Shiruko Kanashimi
Moon Warden
Moon Warden
"God, I need a drink."
Probably not the best thing to say to your twin after your little brother bolted in a minor-to-major freakout, but screw it. Kanashimi felt he'd earned that drink.
Saito opened his mouth, but he overrode it. "You know what, don't even try. I can almost, almost understand keeping it from me. It's not my health we're talking about. And I know you think that keeping it from him was the right thing but no, it wasn't. What if something had happened to him? What if he'd freaked out when it revealed itself? What if he did and that's why he was so angry?"
"He agreed it was for the best," Saito defended, folding his arms in front of him so that Kanashimi could tell his hands were clasped inside the billowing sleeves of his robes. "I don't think that was what he was upset about, at the end."
He pinched the bridge of his nose, abruptly sick of having brothers. "Of course he did. It was perfectly logical. Both of you will always agree with the perfectly logical, him even more readily than you. That doesn't mean it was the right thing to do."
Whether or not Saito ever admitted it, whether or not Makoto ever admitted it--his youngest brother had every right to be mad, and ought to still be mad, at this being kept from him. Something that concerned his mental and potentially physical health, something that could have killed him--not through deliberate malice on the spirit's part, but through any number of side-effects or just plain shock in the wrong situation...
"Forget it," he said dismissively. "If I keep arguing with you right now you'll just talk me out of being angry, and I want to be angry about this. I have to have some time to stew so I can yell at you properly."
Saito's bemused look as he turned on his heel seemed to follow him out and all the way back home.
~
Sleeping did nothing to his anger, and neither did a day of work and training. He was stuck on trainee monitoring duty during the work day unfortunately, which only made his frustration continue to mount.
By the end of it, of course, there was worry to go along with the anger and frustration and he still hadn't figured out how to yell at Saito properly. Nor had he found Makoto, who had vanished...somewhere. There were no ferries that day so it was somewhere still on the island, at least.
Still, by the evening he was enough of a bundle of nerves (internally--externally the most he'd done was snap more harshly at a warden trainee than he usually would for messing up a practice spear form) that he set out to do something he did not, as a rule, prefer to do.
Which was to go get drunk.
There were a lot of reasons why he didn't do this on a regular basis or even under smaller amounts of stress. One of them was that he didn't like losing control, and he was such a tightly wound ball of tamped-down emotions even normally that that was a bad idea even if he hadn't minded. Another was the volume of alcohol it took. He didn't drink much, but he was most definitely not a lightweight.
The third, of course, and perhaps the most relevant, was that bars were social places. He just didn't fit in there, and so didn't go unless he had a very pressing desire to get very, very drunk.
This was one of those rare times.
The bar he picked was one of the few in Moon that was not controlled by the Shrine in some way, and one of even fewer that was not, in return, controlled by his family instead. Of those, it was the nicest, with the best selection of very strong drinks and the least annoying usual patrons.
He managed to get a seat directly at the bar, typically reserved for heavy drinkers. Well, he intended to earn that title. He leaned back on the stool and rapped on the bar for attention and to see what the strongest thing they had was. He wasn't there for something that tasted good; he was in it for the alcohol content.
He was three fair-sized glasses of something with the approximate taste and colour of tar into his drinking and at a level most people would likely describe as 'lightly buzzed' when a familiar short silver-haired form slumped into the stool next to him.
"I had to check half the buildings on this block before I found you and I'm sorry." Makoto leaned forward and rested his head on the bar, eyes shut tight. "I know I worried you. That was wrong. Why are you drinking? You never drink."
"We're in a bar. It's what people come here for." He flagged down the bartender for another glass of the tar-vodka and something less corrosive for his lower-tolerance brother. "I don't 'never' drink. You've just never noticed the few times I have before."
To the apology, he said nothing. There was nothing he could say--he had been worried, would always worry, but Makoto didn't need to know that. Even now he was somewhat worried about how his normally proud sibling was apologizing sincerely more in the space of two days than in the previous decade and a half.
Hell, he definitely needed another drink then.
"I'm always bad at noticing things like that," Makoto said, sounding morose. If his phoenix spirit was still awake and aware and with him, it wasn't doing a very good job cheering him. "I'd like to be better, but I don't know where to start."
He pushed the second glass the bartender dropped off toward his brother. There was something much more pleasant-seeming in there, of a rich, deep amber.
"Philosophy and alcohol mix like fire and dry wood. Drink." Deep thinking could wait. He really wasn't in a mood for that.
Makoto stared at the mug of probably-beer as if it had materialized in front of him entirely on its own, then seized it and drank. Kanashimi raised an eyebrow as he drowned half the rather large glass in one go.
"Forgot I hadn't really eaten or drunk much since I ran off," he muttered after putting it down. He then glanced at the tall glass of tar-vodka. "You're...you're drinking that? Isn't that what they use to clean floors?"
That sounded much more like himself.
"No. A little bit like tar. The bartender said it was their strongest." Noting that Makoto was eyeing the way there was a bit of steam rising from his glass, he added, "I don't get drunk easily. I wanted to get drunk."
"Is it working?" was the cautious reply as his brother continued eyeing both drinks like he really wanted to get drunk himself now that the prospect had been brought up.
Kanashimi judged his own level of drunkenness, and then how much alcohol the bartender had said was in one of these, as well as the man's expression when he'd asked for a second, then third, then fourth glass.
"Not really," he said after a second. "I've yet to find what does quickly enough, actually. Disadvantage of my personal core. Don't try this stuff yourself; you'll pass out within minutes."
Makoto rolled his eyes, which was heartening. "I'm not that much of a lightweight," he sniped, something that was also heartening. Then he hesitated, looking uncertain, which was not. "Why are you getting drunk, or trying to, anyway?"
There was no point being anything but blunt. "Much like you should be, I'm angry at our brother."
Makoto shifted in a way that looked uneasy and fiddled with his glass, tracing a finger down the outside and wiping away a trail of the condensation.
"I'm not anymore," he said. "I'm...he was right. It was the logical choice."
He sighed irritably. Both of his brothers could be infuriating.
"It was not the right thing to do," he said patiently. This was something he had never articulated to Makoto really, having gotten tired of trying and failing with Saito too many times to count. "Something can be the rational thing, but not the right thing."
His brother's expression was incredulous as he turned his head. "Wh--that doesn't even make any sense. The logical, rational thing to do is always the right thing to do--you figure out what the best, most optimal thing to do is based on the facts you have, and you do it. That's...that's just what the right thing to do is."
That wasn't surprising to hear. It was quite similar to Saito's general arguments, too.
"What is right is not always what's logical, and what is logical is not always right," he said, trying to choose his words carefully. He might yet spare Makoto from going down a path that would make him suffer in the long run. "There will be many scenarios in your life you will encounter that you will not have the information to make a logical response. You'll have to act on what's right, then."
Makoto shifted again, his expression shifting too quickly to read. He had his lips pressed together in a thin line for most of it.
"How do I decide what's right, then?" he asked after a second. "No one has ever managed to say...how do I decide?"
"By what you feel," he said simply. He had never had difficulty with that one. He might be dismayed by his own motives at times, and might not like the orders he was given always--but in his own choices, in his own actions? He didn't have remorse.
A scowl. "That's not...that isn't good enough. That's not tangible. I can't build a code of ethics out of feelings."
"You also can't build one by ignoring both your own and others'," he said. "That will only make you into a person of a conflicted nature--like our cousin. You have to reconcile your actions, your thoughts, and your emotions." And you are very good at the first two, but have always neglected the third, he did not add.
Makoto tilted his head slightly, as if he were listening to something no one else could hear. The phoenix?
"I'm not even good at my own feelings," he said after a second. "How can I possibly learn to consider others'? I can't even read them unless they're obvious. Or in combat, I suppose."
He looked and sounded so lost that Kanashimi's heart twisted a bit. It had always been difficult for his youngest brother to empathize with others. He'd had a difficult time of it himself as well, of course--but at least he knew his own feelings.
Makoto had always been so precise, so unfailingly logical, that he tended to overlook emotion in general as a factor. That had caught him out few enough times when he was younger that he hadn't really taken the hint. And maybe it was something his brothers should have tried to help fix, but he was also quite stubborn, and had decided early on he didn't want Saito's help with anything and anyone's help with that. Kanashimi hadn't known how to push on that subject, so the result was in front of him now.
"Are you angry with Saito?" he asked finally, after another few sips of the tar-vodka and some deliberation.
Makoto looked over from his own drink, blinking a few times in surprise. "...I shouldn't be. He did the logical thing."
He resisted the urge to slam his head into something hard, because the uncertainty told him he was onto something. "Never mind whether you should be. Are you?"
Silence for a second, while Makoto apparently deliberated. Kanashimi sighed internally. He was still poking at his own feelings like they were thoughts that had to be turned over.
"Yes. No. I don't know, maybe." His brother rubbed his head. "I thought I was, at first. Then I thought, well, it makes no sense, maybe I'm not angry at him. But I am, a little, I think. He...he hurt my pride." That seemed like it had taken a bit of trouble to say, for how obvious it was externally. "And I'm angry at myself, for running out and acting childish."
"...Childish?" He considered that. Makoto probably had run off for some time to himself to think, yes, but it looked like he had been in the throes of a nervous breakdown. Sometimes, leaving really was the best option. "I suppose. I'm not in your head, so I can only speculate on the motive. But if you had stayed, we both would have ended up yelling at him and making things worse."
Leaving had been the best option for both of them, really.
"I did yell, a bit, after you left," he added. "Then I walked out as well."
"You walked out and went home, I assume," Makoto said in a tone that was just slightly off of petulant. "I ran into the woods and made everyone worry all night."
"You were in enough of a state they would have worried more if you came back home like that," he pointed out. "Not that it seems you were thinking rationally."
Makoto huffed. "Stop trying to excuse me when I've just apologized."
"Am I? Explaining isn't excusing." He shrugged fluidly. "But returning to the point: so, despite the fact that you feel you shouldn't be, you're angry at Saito. And I'm assuming you feel guilty about that as well. You should stop feeling guilty; it's right to be angry at him right now. I'd be more worried if you weren't."
"Yes, yes, I forgot that you were angry at him for keeping my health issues from you." Makoto rolled his eyes again. "Everyone but me deserved to know."
He resisted the urge to roll his eyes. "I wasn't angry at him for not telling me. I was angry at him for not telling you. It wasn't up to him whether or not to tell me, or shouldn't have been. Neither should it have been up to him whether or not you knew."
More fidgeting and playing with the glass. "If I'd let it slip..."
"We'd have dealt with it," he said firmly. "The important part was that it was something about your physical and mental health, and he didn't have the right to keep it from you. He did. You are allowed to be angry over that.
"It could have caused us all a lot of trouble," Makoto insisted, but he didn't look convinced either way. "The Shrine could have tried to take me away on the basis of my having a spirit. I couldn't be trusted with the knowledge."
"Maybe." Quite possibly, even probably if it had gotten back to them. Kanashimi leaned over and ruffled Makoto's hair--the exact shade of his own, but shorter--lightly. "Operative word: tried."
The look of sheer surprise was replaced by one of irritation, then confusion. "But...it looks like your 'right thing to do' in this case would have made things a lot more difficult and dangerous for all of us." Meaning their whole family.
"Yes," he said simply. Because it would have. It might even have exposed their resistance to the Shrine's methods to the open, which would have been damaging and undoubtedly what Saito was trying to prevent. "But doing the right thing is not about doing what will make things safer or easier. It's about doing the right thing because it's the right thing to do."
There was more silence, for a bit, although this time companionable while they both downed their drinks.
"I'm not sure I can do anything with that," Makoto said after a while. He still sounded uncertain, as if he had to think about it more--but at least it was progress. "What I can do is still be angry at Saito, and maybe yell at him a bit when I see him next." He tapped his head. "Even if not all of me agrees on whether I should be angry."
The phoenix? Or just a metaphor? He didn't press it; it wasn't important in the long run.
"That might be because the two of you think in similar patterns," he said. "Don't let that make you think you have to agree with him."
"Similar...him and me?" Now his brother looked almost insulted. "That's not...of course we don't!"
"You do," he said. "You both prize the logical train of thought over other viewpoints. Saito is better at putting emotion into it, but you're quicker to reach conclusions than he is, and he usually only puts emotion into it from a logical standpoint. You still both think with the same set of values."
Saito also frequently got caught up in micro-planning based on what he thought people's emotions would be as he detached himself only in the planning phases, while Makoto's general sin there was thinking that everyone should be acting based on logic and toss away emotion all the time. It still stemmed from basic the same basic train of thought.
Makoto made a disgruntled noise, like he didn't have the words to do so but simply wanted to express his general dissatisfaction with that conclusion. "Whatever."
Noting their drinks were going down, Kanashimi flagged the bartender back over for refills. If there was a way he could end this evening some point past 'slightly buzzed' he wanted to try.
It was not to be, of course, despite the bartender's increasingly shocked expression as he went through several more tall glasses of the black vodka before finally giving it up as a bad job somewhere around 'maybe a little more buzzed.' At that rate, he'd be drinking until morning and only getting to 'mildly tipsy' at best. He left a good tip and tugged his much-less-sober little brother out into the cool night air.
Makoto had only had four glasses, but it was enough to give him difficulty walking a straight line without assistance and make him squint at the lanterns strewn in chains from the storefronts and the fires burning merrily in hearths at the front of restaurant patios.
"I'll have them send you a hangover cure in the morning. And breakfast," he added as an afterthought, recalling that his brother hadn't eaten since the previous day.
"Mmf." He translated that as 'thanks.' "Should've...asked what was in that."
"Beer, I assume. They might have thought you had a similar tolerance to me." Which was certainly not true. "From the price, it was from one of the stronger local breweries."
He was vaguely disappointed that the night air had knocked him back to 'practically sober.' Screw that, then; he wasn't sure why he'd even tried.
"Mm." Makoto wobbled a bit on his feet as they made their way home. "Not in trouble?"
"No." As far as he was concerned, no one needed to know the events of the past two days except the people involved.
"Kay." Another pause. "When...when I yell...at Saito. Can you be there? Yell too?"
It might not, probably wouldn't, help at all. After it there would still have to be talking, and reasoning, and making Saito realize he'd messed up.
But it would be supporting Makoto, and it would be right to do that.
So all he said was, "of course." And that was that.
Getting a drunk sibling home was not something he had too much experience with, but it didn't prove to be that difficult to steer Makoto down the streets back to the complex, down the residential corridors inside, and to his room to pass out. Thereafter, he headed to first the medical lab, and then then kitchens, to alert them for morning before heading off to bed himself.
Maybe the next day wouldn't be the easiest, and maybe it wouldn't resolve all of this--that would take time--but it would be a step in the right direction.
[NPC equivalent to B-Rank; Enter/Leave in 2 hrs]