We Really Need to Have a Chat [Yuii]

[Osuteno]

Osu opened his fridge one morning to make his wife breakfast and what he saw in there was the straw that broke the camel's back. Despite it being his day off Osu soon set out from the house, wearing his favorite yukata since his wife wasn't awake enough to have him wear that embarrassingly flashy leather suit, carrying a folder and a tired expression on his face. It had been a while since he had last been to the Torre Celeste, several years in fact, but it seemed every time he came here it was because of some issue or another. Or some strange visitor had arrived to the gates... Why had he been on gate duty in the first place again? He was in the medical bran... Biru and Tedo. Never mind he remembered. Come to think of it almost every time he had been here it involved the main branch. Or was it every time? Never really got the chance to just come here to enjoy himself or anything. Perhaps he would make time one day to just come and look around... he was getting distracted.

Before long he was waiting in line to speak with the Main Branch Sennin, whoever that was these days, he really needed to catch up on current events. He was actually surprised he was able to get in for an appointment today but when he mentioned that he was there about Saeko he received a 2TC form (which apparently stands for 2nd Takaki Complaint Form) and directed to the higher priority cases. Apparently it was an older formality in the branch that was revived during Ayumu's tenure.

Most of the form didn't apply to him since it concerned sexual harassment... Actually did that part of the form concern him?... Wait he was getting distracted again. But eventually he finally came to the only thing that really applied to his case and checked other which happened to be followed by the words "Unless it is too emotionally distressing or confidential please describe your alternative complaint here." HE looked at the folder in his hand and wasn't sure how confidential this was so he simply left it blank, filled out his personal information and handed the form back to the secretary.

"...Excuse me young miss but this address you listed, do you happen to... live with..."

Ignoring the fact that once again someone somehow mistook him for a girl Osu replied, "Uh yes, I live with Saeko, we share an apartment."

"May Raiden bless your poor soul."

And so he found himself placed at the front of the line oddly enough. Goodness he was going to get his appointment much sooner than expected, he had expected he would need to come back another day. It was certainly a good thing he brought one of the folders along.

When it came time for him to go into the office Osu entered the room and greeted the Main Sennin, "Greeting Sennin-Sama. My name is Chigokai (Koji) Osuteno Medical Shinobi. I happen to have a couple concerns regarding... well... my roommate Takaki Saeko and the Main Branch. Of a particular note is that our apartment has quite the stash of apparently highly confidential documents, folders and paperwork like the one here in my hands... Actually this one in particular causes me a bit more concern since on the front of it in marker she wrote 'Soon Mistress Y and I shall bring down that Waifu thief!' and the folder seems to contain Ayumu-Sama's scheduled vacation days for the coming year. I happened to find it in our fridge this morning between her light beer and a salad that she got a while back."

Osu rubbed the back of his head as he stood in front of the desk, "Has Saeko had that much work recently? She seems to not be getting enough rest and is apparently not very stable currently. Not even sure what a waifu is to be honest, sounds like she meant wife and she has never had a wife. I honestly think she could use some vacation time to recollect herself."

 

[Kagetsu Yuii]

Yuii had been having a rough day, an ongoing theme for the week. It began with Monday, as it always does. Yuii had barely finished her sixth doughnut before the accusations that she had an agenda against pro-nature rallies. A request for shinobi aid from a group trying to stop oil drilling in protected were-rabbit territory had mysteriously vanished, replaced by a similar but much higher paying request by the company they were picketing against. The second request form, damningly, had her signature on it, though Yuii could not remember having ever read either the lost or present forms. Apparently claiming ignorance and asking 'what the problems was' had been the wrong choice. Had her secretary Megumi not expertly deflected further questioning she was certain the entire matter might have gone public. Lucky for her, they were placated by 25% off coupons for one of those expensive organic grocery stores and a promised donation to their cause.

The following day, as her staff was still struggling to work out what had happened with the environmental debacle, her office was stormed by an angry swarm of the academy's teachers, all waving their pay slips threateningly. 'How dare she cut their pay?' they yelled, peppering her with erasers and unmarked homework, 'Yuii had BEEN a teacher. How could she under-value the education of their future shinobi? How were they meant to make sure Jo-shinobi could do more than punch rocks and take orders in simple words without their funding!? A fifty percent cut was unacceptable! What was this? Sarunishi's time?' Once again, stating she was ignorant to the change was NOT the correct choice, but her promise to investigate the change and reinstate all finding with a five percent increase was. She would even add an extra two 'professional days' and include an open bar.

Megumi added this new mysterious development to the task force already trying to untangle the events from the day before.

Wednesday was unexpectedly quiet, and barring the ongoing investigation Yuii could almost call it normal. She was able to down two dozen cupcakes in relative peace and even managed to fit a nap in between meetings. It was almost normal, until the last hour of the day when one Yuii's Cousins arrived looking deeply disturbed.

Her Aunt, it seemed, was on a rampage. One of the clans main allies had cut ties that afternoon with the complaint that Yuii had ignored three pleas for shinobi help during harvest season in their lands while sending shinobi to their competitors. Yuii was the clan's puppet and her failure was their failure. Once again, Yuii could not explain what had happened, but she was starting to believe, with growing certainty, someone was out to get her. She promised to put all her energy into fixing the problem then spent that night in her office, too terrified of her Aunt's retribution to make the walk home. She needed an explanation for all of this before facing the old stone, one that didn't end up with her at the bottom of a river.

She awoke Thursday, in her office, motivated to get to the bottom of her crumbling public image. If she could get a handle on what was happening, maybe she could stop whoever was trying to destroy her? Oh, but it was bad, so very, very bad. Deposits into her account from unknown sources, clear bias on mission assignments, complete changes to pay structure, skimming off the tops of completed missions, donations in her name to weird cults and something called man bear pig awareness. Yuii was horrified. If she had been reading about someone else she would have petitioned for their immediate arrest! Even the teddy bear she had thought was her first, and only, token of appreciation was a bribe. Not you too, Chi bear! It was a wonder her own administration hadn't tried to oust her yet; a testament either to her own charisma or the raw political power of her Aunt and clan. Either way, she would never survive it if one of the council members got ahold of all this. Someone really was out to get her and she'd almost been caught completely unaware!

But who could be doing this? How had so much access to her personal information? She needed to stop this before it got any worse or she was blackmailed into slavery!

By mid-morning she knew, at very least they needed to do some damage control, "Megumi, I need you to reverse all these transactions. I don't know how, but it needs to be done. Better if you can blame them all on a clerical error or computers, everyone always believes a fault in technology,"

Her green haired secretary nodded, pushed her glasses up, and nodded some more as she took notes on her clipboard. Yuii suspected her capable assistant had already begun damage control but Megumi seemed happy to let Yuii play at leadership. Feeling like she was in control made her feel a bit better at least. "That includes the amounts put into my accounts. In fact, fr...fr... take out enough for me to eat this month and freeze everything until we figure out what's going on." she continued, mourning the loss of her money. It had been tempting to keep the bribes "As for the missing mission requests and biased requests,"

"We'll deflect and distract anyone asking questions, Ma'am. The loss of paperwork reflects poorly on all of us," Megumi reassured, tucking her pen away, "On that matter, I've rearranged your schedule to meet with on... hm... Chigokai Osuteno? He has a folder with him that looks to have come from our branch and lives with Saeko. I'll send him in?" She didn't wait for Yuii's answer, but hurried off to beckon Osu inside then make her leave.

Chigokai? Chigokai! This was it! The Chigokai were upset they hadn't weaselled in their own representative into the shinobi leadership and were trying to take her down. Yuii would almost have been happy, except there was no way this situation ended with her not becoming someone else's lapdog. At least Kagetsu Ishiyo was a predictable evil, who knew what the blood clan would want.

Except that the young Osu who walked into her office wasn't oozing that cool aura of one about to lay a trump card at a rival clan's feet. Her fears were dampened immediately. The folder he was carrying didn't look like one of the missing Dossiers or the untampered expense sheets either. She was safe.

That was if one could call finding out one of her staff was taking home sensitive documents home safe.

"C-curious," Yuii could feel herself sweating as she tried to maintain her cheerful smile. She ground her teeth as Osu continued, producing the oddly named folder. Waifu? Me and Miss Y? Oh, golden god, she was going to die of embarrassment. And there were more documents in their apartment? Could it be, could THEY be the missing paperwork?

Breathe Yuii, breathe!

"She must mean bring down to fire country for his vacation! Our Raikage mentioned he would like to vacation somewhere warmer. Sadly, have no idea what waifu means either! People can not be property in Kumogakure, so I CERTAINLY don't know how Kogam- our Raikage could have stolen a wife!" she tried to laugh, but it came out as a weak warble. This is what she got for making a stranger her second in command! No, wait, this was all Ayumu's fault! If he didn't walk around like a doe-eyed cow with target-shaped spots she wouldn't have ended up with yet another disaster. Saeko made sense and they HAD checked her out but Osu's claim of many more sensitive documents being in their apartment explained why whatever poor intern that had checked Saeko's office had found nothing.

Whatever the outcome, Ayumu totally owed her another raise and a mini fridge full of cakes for her office after all this stress.

'Need to bury the evidence before this gets added to the mess I'm already in,' she thought, reaching for her headset, 'I'll send someone to get- no wait! If it gets out my minion has been keeping sensitive documents it's still going to reflect poorly on me!' She let her hand fall to her desk and drummed on it nervously. That was it, she would have to go and see for herself what Saeko had stolen.

"If you're concerned about her, as a medical professional, then I'm concerned. Would you mind escorting me to your apartment so I can gather this paperwork and then we can see about confronting Takaki-san about taking a vacation." Wait, this address? What. the. hell. Even Yuii couldn't afford an apartment there!! What was Yuii even paying her!?

 

[Osuteno]

Curious, the sennin's heart rate seemed to be going up. Well she did have a rather stressful job after all. "Wait so you believe waifu thief is referring to Ayumu? I thought she just confusedly wrote a strange sentence onto a random folder since she left it in the fridge..." Goodness she seemed worried. It was actually rather nice to see the sennin so concerned for her subordinate.

After patiently watching her think for a bit, the sennin requested that Osu take her to the apartment. He honestly was surprised that she wanted to rush on over there considering there were other people in line to see her. "You don't have to come personally to get the paperwork, you seem terribly busy, I can bring it myself with some people I know. Who knows, maybe Kouin will be home for the first time in months from his ANBU work and he can help me carry it over. Still, if you are wanting to check on Saeko as soon as possible I believe she should be home today anyway, might not even be awake yet since it isn't time for dinner. Or perhaps not asleep yet since it isn't lunch time." He really needed to do something about that, her sleep schedule was terrible. Probably a contributing factor to her mental state.

And so Osu led the Main Sennin back to his apartment, though even by traveling on rooftops if he didn't say anything it would be an awkward few minutes of silence. "Village leadership really changed around a lot while I was gone. When I left Akira-Sama was still Raikage. I hope you haven't had too hard a time, a few of my aunts at least seemed pretty upset about there not being a Chigokai holding a sennin position and a couple seemed to hold it against me," Osu said with a nervous laugh. Ahhh yup they were certainly upset about that too, more than they were about him bringing home a pregnant wife rather than being ready to marry into whatever clan they wanted to make a deal with... Honestly just learning who his mother was was enough to get him kicked off the estate. Maybe if he had gotten an audience with Ookami he could have gotten some sort of additional support if he could manage to catch her interest, but the branch heads were not about to allow him the chance. He was lucky just to get his personal possessions.

"Needless to say it was fortuitous for my wife and I that Saeko was looking for another roommate. I met her years ago when I was nine and we were both on a mission to investigate the murder of Marquess Natsu's chamberlain. Was quite the mess but we got to know each other pretty well, though apparently it took her weeks to figure out I am male." It was probably for the best that he leave out the fact she learned that when they had a bath together in a whore house. Why did so many people think he was a girl anyway? He thought about that for the millionth time not realizing it was due to his appearance, voice, manner of dress, and mannerisms.

As they entered the Seki District Osu nodded, "It is a really nice neighborhood as well, that was rather important to my wife. We have twins on the way you see. Makes the cost of the rent sting a bit less when I think about it." Osu said with a bit of a tired laugh. He had been working rather a lot lately both on the clock and when preparing to become certified in fields with a bit more pay... or danger pay even, not that he would tell Chiai that. She would kill him if she learned he was planning on taking on ANBU missions as a Sentou Henkan.

When they arrived at his apartment building, one of the nicest buildings in the district, Osu hopped back down to street level. It wasn't polite to hop rooftops in residential areas after all. HE swiped his card to enter the building and then again to take the elevator up to the floor he lived on... Odd. He heard more heartbeats than normal inside the apartment. "Do we have guests over? I wonder if we have enough groceries." Osu then opened the door to let Yuii in.

"Chiai! I brought home a guest!"

 

[Takaki Saeko]

The moment the door opens, I slap a sweaty palm right over Osuteno's flapping gums to shut him up. My momentum bowls us over and we tumble into the hallway outside the apartment, but I maintain enough coordination to kick the door shut again with my foot before we hit the ground. We've fallen in classic anime style: I'm straddling Osu's hips and somehow one of my hands has found its way under his shirt and right over a (nonexistent) tit. Fortunately, no one inside seems to have noticed our little re-enaction of John-Wick-meets-Oreimo, otherwise there'd be raised voices and probably death-by-halberd. "Phew" is an understatement.

The fact that my direct superior, the second most powerful person in the village by rank, is standing over us is still secondary in importance to avoiding death by halberd, or worse. Normally, I'd love for Yuii to drop by so I can fawn on her and we can discuss our plans for glorious revolution (I'll call it the "Women's March on Kumo" and we'll all wear pink cat-hats), but right now I'd rather she be anywhere but here.

"Everyone shut the hell up and listen to me!" I growl so only they can hear me. I keep my hands where they are, since Osu is prone to outbursts of squeal. "Both of you need to turn around right now and leave! It's super fuckin' diddly dangerous in there right now! And I wasn't even being ironic with that Flanders reference!"

As if things couldn't get any worse, I hear Chiai fiddling with the door, her muffle voice from inside asking after me. I stick a leg out and jam it shut, holding out against her with all my strength. "Dammit, go already! I don't know why it happened, but all these assholes just let themselves in a little while ago and are using my beautiful apartment as some kind of secret evil headquarters! There's heads of the Chigokai and Kagetsu clans in there having tea and crumpets with Donado of Oranji! They've pressed Chiai and myself into service as their maids! I have no idea why Chiai's going along with it, either! She probably wants to make herself look good to Osuteno's horrible family! Don't look at me like that! I wasn't the one who let 'em in the village!"

Chiai thumps on the door with increasing force. At this point, I consider using Osuteno as a doorjamb. After all, when she cuts it all down with her Satanblade, he probably won't die. Right?

 

[Kagetsu Yuii]

With more important things to think about, the normally talkative Sennin would have been fine with an awkward silence. Yuii half listened and barely registered as Osu chattered to fill the conversation void, managing a bare, "I'm sorry to hear that," at the mention of their families' irritation over having missed their opportunity to snag a Sennin position. You snooze, you lose. That was practically her clan's motto.

But, what the hell was she going to do about Saeko? The first priority was getting her paperwork back and rug sweeping this mess so she had one less problem to deal with but after that? Yuii had no idea. In the best case scenario, Saeko was taking home sensitive documents to turn into furniture or using them to cook her dinners. Worst case, she was the root of all the evil in Yuii's life. Hamster or Evil Lord, Yuii had no idea what the standard of punishment for something like this was! Like he;l was she going to ask Ayumu. He would help, but she would rather be shot or spend eighty years polishing her Aunts shoes rather than hear one "I told you so," from his target shaped mouth.

Wait, what had Osu just said?

Wife. Doctor. Male. Twins? The blue haired woman did a double take as they entered the way too posh for her, upper-middle-class apartment building. (They had keycards AND elevators!!?) Somehow, Yuii felt like she had missed some important piece of information from the young woman leading her, she just couldn't piece together what little she had heard in a way that made sense.

The kicks kept coming. Even their door was fancy. Yuii's door had flaking paint she had managed to chip away into a heart and a lock that a blind Academy student with arthritis could pick. The previous tenant had coloured over the eyehole, there was a scary stain a few feet down on the gaudy hallway carpeting and she was pretty sure the whole building had been insulated with mothballs. By comparison, Osu and Saeko were kings and queens of the urban jungle. They probably didn't even need to prop a chair against it at night just to be sure.

Rubbing the super smooth, glossy doorframe, Yuii waited for Osu to let her in. "Guests?" she groaned in response to his musing, not at all pleased to have an audience for their confrontation with Saeko. But before Yuii could steel herself to being the stern boss, Saeko appeared and demanded they leave.

Dangerous? In this neighbourhood? Yuii had a hard time believing anything happened around here that she couldn't handle. The paperwork thief probably just wanted them to leave so she could stuff all the stolen folders under her bed or something equally ridiculous."What? No way," she whisper-shouted back, compelled to match the frantic woman's volume, "we just got here and you're in loads of trouble, Takaki. Ayumu's -vacation- days??"

Someone starts to leave the apartment but Saeko blocks the door. Was that another concerned roommate trying to bring the Main branch Hand to justice? How was this being better than Enishi!? Yuii's face fell as Saeko started to rant about Ishiyo, Donaldo and the Chigokai clan head being inside her apartment. "You really expect me to believe that. There's no way she wo-"

And then she heard it. If evil had a sound, it was surely the laugh of Kagetsu, Ishiyo and it was coming from inside the apartment. Whatever argument Yuii was about to make died in a whimper as she turned white with horror. Why was she here, and why now? The old hag already wanted Yuii's blood in payment for Wednesday's screw up, and she had been frothing mad when Yuii had made Saeko Hand without consultation or permission. If she had somehow found out about all the hoarded work in that apartment, Yuii was doomed. She had to get the hell out of there before Ishiyo was alerted she was anywhere but her safe, well-monitored office!

Reflexively she dove to help keep the proverbial gate of hell shut. "Just a moment ma'am! I'm just moving some furniture past the door! For your safety, please stay inside." the petite woman called out in her best 'male furniture mover' voice while leaning against the door to physically add to the barrier. She didn't know the woman stuck on the other side but Raiden save her, because Yuii sure as anything wasn't going to. "The lady that just came out of there just dragged off some chick in a Yukata. She said they were getting more cake, tea and electric orange tanning spray!" she added, hoping that would distract the occupant enough for them to make an escape which she gestured wildly for them to do already. If the lies weren't enough to stop her, Yuii would just use a Genjutsu to disguise herself as a mover and the awkward duo into a very convincing and very tacky couch on a trolley.

 

[Osuteno]

Osuteno blanched when he heard that it was clan heads inside his apartment. He gave back a terrified whisper, "The clan heads? How many? Which ones? Is Ookami with them?" The worst case scenario was that multiple branch heads were in his apartment without Ookami. The next worst case scenario was that only the clan leader Ookami was in the apartment. Best case scenario was that there were enough clan heads to balance out Ookami. The majority of his aunts were... extremely serious and clan focused individuals who really couldn't be talked into changing their minds. Ookmai was sort of a wild card who typically could be handled easily enough since she was lazy and liked to be entertained, but was more dangerous than the rest of them when bored.

Quite honestly the only thing preventing him from running away as soon as hearing they were here was the fact his wife was in there with them. Goodness what if Aunt Manane was in there? She was the one who kicked him off of the estate to begin with since he ruined whatever political marriage plan she had by bringing his pregnant wife Chiai home with him.

Then Chiai began knocking on the door and Osu wasn't sure what to do. Should he tell her to come on out and then just pick her up and run off with her, and hope that none of his clan inside notices? ... Yeah that wouldn't work. Quite possibly if she was in there Ookami could already hear his very unique blood stream. Was running even an option at this point? "If Ookami is in there... she probably has already heard our heartbeats. Mine... is a bit distinct these days and she was likely told about that." Come to think of it the decision to remove him from the estate had only required his Aunt Manane's approval since she was technically his guardian. Ookami had never been involved. Maybe...

Wait... why were the Kagetsu here as well? And who in the world was Donaldo? OSu was mostly too dumbfounded and afraid to reason properly.

 

[Takaki Saeko]

Right now I'm playing a pretty popular game that children of my generation used to play, back in the good old days. No, I'm not talking about joining the Pen15 club, nor am I talking about diagnosing cancer by seeing if your buddy's hand was bigger than her face. No, what I'm doing right now is seeing if I can actually die from holding my breath for too long. Whenever I did this as a kid, I always lost, but perhaps as an adult, it'll be different this time. Death would be preferable to the alternative, which is to get dragged back in there with Osu and my boss in tow. You see, aristocrats are always evil: I'm pretty sure that they intend to visit all sorts of horrific, mind-bending tortures on our sensitive places and locations, because that's what happened in Starless and Discipline, No, neither of those are safe to google at work.

And yet. And YET, somehow, Yuii's idiotic brilliant plan actually succeeds. "Mc maw maw maw mc maw," Chiai says from behind the door, and the pounding stops. You see, because Chiai isn't my waifu, but Osu's, I can't really put words in her mouth, so suffice it to say everything she says sounds like when the teachers would talk in those Peanuts holiday specials. Yes, that one's quite safe to google at work, and if your boss sees that you enjoy such wholesome entertainment you might even get a raise or something. I think what she might've said in plain Kaminarijin was something like: "Oh, thanks! If he's not left yet, tell my Osu we need extra crackers and as many buckets of sea urchin semen as he can carry. None of us can get enough of that gooey goodness!"

Just as my vision goes white and my muscles seize up, we all let out a collective, ragged breath. I limply roll off Osu and splay my limbs across the floor. "Jesus Saito... Well, those undies are ruined, but I think I finally understand David Carradine." I pant and blush and turn my head to look at Osu. "Hey, uh, I don't think it'll be good for anyone if either Chiai or Tomo hear about this, so...let's just pretend nothing happened here, mmkay?"

I get to all fours and shake the afterglow away. There are more important things afoot here! "Sennin-sama, you saved our asses," I say, as I kowtow to her. "Now do you believe me? Anyway, we have to get out here right now. There's a bunch of assholes in there shitting up my beautiful crib, and furthermore, they intend great harm to Yumers!"

Of course, I realize how incongruous that probably sounds to Yuii. "You heard me right! And yes, yes, normally I'd be taking an active committee role in any plot to destroy the Raikage, but this isn't the way I want it to go down! You see, first of all, they've got no plans to make you his replacement, and and and furthermore, their scheme involves doing dastardly shit to Yumer's kid! I mean, hell, the gloves come off when it comes to Yumers himself--I've already farted a couple times on his chair, you know--but I refuse to be part of any plot that endangers the fruit of Kahako's virginal loins! So we have to go and plan how we're going to foil these villains! Osu! We're going to crash at your place for now!"

Oh...right.

"Okay, so that's not an option. Sennin-sama!" I point at Yuii. "We're going to play at your house! Call for a pizza! I don't care what your parents say!"

 

[Kagetsu Yuii]

Viciously ignoring Saeko's comment about underwear and that anyone would ask for sea urchin semen, Yuii breathed her own sign of relief. They hadn't been caught yet, so maybe there was hope. If she was fast, Yuii could get away before she was connected with Osu, Saeko and whatever rituals of evil were going on inside their apartment. Screw the incriminating paperwork! Yuii had to flee the village before Ishiyo caught on that she knew about their evil plans. As the tiger ran, she could probably be in un-named lands within the week. Sure she would be abandoning the village and everyone in it to a fate worse than death, but what else was Yuii going to do? She was just a Yuii!

But first, she needed to actually get away! The kowtowing woman seemed to have missed the part where Osu said the Chigokai clan head had probably heard him. She wasn't going to question the molested mednin(though some would question his sanity for living with Saeko) so that meant their get away had a very limited window of time. "This isn't the time for that submissive crap! Yukata-chan says they probably heard him. I told whoever that was that you have left so get up and get moving before she comes to double check!" she ordered, herding them both down the hall, "One foot in front of the other Takaki! Down the stairs! Walk and talk! Walk and talk!" No way was she standing in a small box with Saeko when she smelled like the back corner of an erotica store!

Surprised was an understatement. Saeko being worried about Ayumu was probably one of the signs of a coming apocalypse. That it was actually Ayumu's son that was in danger made a lot more sense, though. Who wouldn't be horrified to know someone wanted to harm even one hair on mini-Ayumu's head? "Susumu? But that is..." exceedingly sinister? And so were the people making the plan.

Yuii gasped as the gravity of the situation struck her and pressed her fingers to her forehead as she felt the worst headache begin to form. "Gold plated god, we are so doomed. Kidnapping Susumu is such a bold move there is no way Ishiyo would be in on it if she didn't think she could win! He's as good as taken!" The stairs ended and Yuii took a moment to rest her head against a wall and recover from her terrible sense of panic and dread. "I told Ayumu this would happen, but does he listen? Oh no, he goes and does his stupid Bishounen cool-guy 'I've got this' speech and makes me out to be one of those over worrying sidekicks. Idiot! And now his sons going to get taken, he's going to be forced to abdicate, they'll put some awful puppet in the Raikage position and we'll all have a merry time going backwards four generations in values because he can't take the best advice he's ever heard to heart! I bet they choose someone really vile that will do everything those fun-sucking demons want too. If Ishiyo gets her way there will be deportation, marriage laws, prohibition, censorship- everything! if it sounds fun, she'll ban it!" as she spoke, Yuii crouched and held her head then, remembering the earlier scene in the hallway she shot back to her feet and pointed at Saeko and Osu."Say goodbye to your forbidden girl-love extramarital affair you have going on because it will definitely be banned!"

The worst part was, she couldn't run off and leave mini-Ayumu in danger! If she left now she would go down in history as the worst Sennin ever! They would say she had left the cutest child ever recorded to a fate worse than death and people would spit at the mention of her name. Yuii's would become synonymous with devils like Sarunishi and Haruka! If she was going to die, which was becoming more and more likely, she might as well do it trying to be a hero. 'This is all Ayumu's fault! Who even leaves their son available for kidnapping!' she screamed mentally, kicking their aggravatingly posh exit door open and leading the way outside.

"You're right, we need a plan of action," she agreed begrudgingly, but quickly baulked at the suggestion of using her 'house' as a hideout. That was a horrible place to go! Sunuke and Haru always left it a mess, Ishiyo would check there for her first and It was just a feeling but she was pretty certain Saeko shouldn't be allowed within thirty meters of her personal items. There was one house in the entire village Ishiyo wouldn't dare to go, though, and it was much closer too.

"I know a better place," she groaned, kicking herself for staying involved, "But you're buying your own pizza. She probably has tea or something, though..."

With that, the blue haired sennin turned and with all of the enthusiasm of a cavity plagued child headed for the dentist led them across the Seki district. Her route took them from the stacked, opulent apartment complexes and cute little shops(which they could totally stop to get food from) to an area filled with old but immaculately cared for one and two story Japanese houses that sat back from the roadway, hidden behind tall fences in equally well cared for winter dormant gardens. It was all very stepford. There was even the obligatory old man shovelling snow to wave to as they passed.

"This one," she sighed, stopping in front of a house that looked just like the rest beyond an extra thick coating of dead vines on its wall. She swung open the gate for Osu and Saeko then hurried forward to retrieve the house key from under one of those cheap conspicuous plastic rocks."Just, don't touch anything, alright?" She ordered, struggling to get the door unlocked, "Also, no shouting, slouching, putting your feet on the furniture, don't shout, take off your shoes and for Raiden's sake, keep your hands off each other!" She didn't know either of them well enough to gauge their manners, but she wasn't about to weather a long lecture on their behalfs!

Inside was much more opulent, but was muted in colours and had been designed with tactile detail in mind. Potted plants had been added to every free space, making the warm air humid even for winter.

Yuii rubbed absently at her nose as it began to run and pulled her off shoes off because the mud would ruin the tatami and she didn't want to hear about it and tossed them to the side. "Auntie, I brought guests! We're going to borrow your house if you don't..." from the back room there was the sound of glass smashing and the pounding of footsteps retreating to the second floor. Yuii winced as one of the screen doors was slammed shut, and rubbed at her neck awkwardly, "... mind. Sorry about the intrusion... Well, I guess she won't be joining us." She led them to the main sitting room that was covered on three sides by shelves filled with old books when the other two were ready and made herself comfortable stretched on the only small couch. There was a kotatsu, they could sit at the kotatsu like old ladies, that only seemed right after all the trouble she was being put through.

"There, safe. Wake me up when this nightmare ends!"

 

[Osuteno]

Wait, what? What was Saeko... That expression looked terribly familiar... Oh Raiden she was...

Osu responded in a completely normal and not at all traitorous physiological response to the realization that his fairly attractive friend was having a rather particular event on top of him. A complete normal genetic response that in no way expressed any sort of intent on his part to engage in any activities but merely signaled that his body was very much prepared to take part in such sorts of activity due to a recently developed conditioned response ingrained in him by his wife. The reaction was as innocent as a past psychological study which caused a family of Inuzuka to salivate every time a bell was rung. Yes despite the fact his reaction, in large part to to his wife's training, created a majestic outline in his yukata reminiscent to the majestic profile of the Rock of Gibraltar, in no fashion did it signal any sort of wrongdoing on the part of Chigokai (Koji) Osuteno.

... That said if his wife had opened that door to discover him in such a state with a very much glowing in the moment Saeko laying beside him and a particular smell about there was no doubt in his mind that the amount of time he would have to explain the very misunderstandable situation would be grossly insufficient to prevent his wife from severing the perceived device of disloyalty in one of her moments of great passion before dismembering the rest of him and then probably Saeko.

Considering the fact his wife had apparently had developed yet another extremely unusual craving that may or may not have actually been a disguised complaint in regard to his less than willing nature to participate in certain acts with her as of late due to the increasingly imminent date of delivery. Honestly when he had tried to ask another medical professional about the issue they had somehow came to the conclusion he was bragging and didn't take his concern seriously. It didn't seem like a normal response to his research but apparently it seemed there was some odd culture among other men to grossly exaggerate such events leading to a sort of boy who cried wolf situation when a real concern arises.

Osu realized that he had been thinking far too long when Saeko was already beginning to recover while he was still displaying a rather grand example of his body's unusually adjustable nature and his rigid and firm control over his blood due to the inherited nature of the Chigokai bloodline which even after he forced back down to a size that fit more with the style of clothing he wore, did not prevent his embarrassment from flushing across his face while staring at the foreign biological material that now partially soaked the front of his yukata.

In an understandably quite but firmly terrified whisper Osu replied to the brazenly dismissive statement Saeko gave in response to her unwanted inclusion of him in her act of pleasure while following the other two on the retreat himself, "Pretend nothing...? No! Something did just... I mean you just... Why did... What in the name of the 273rd section of hell was that?"

But Osu did not get an answer as they retreated. No Osu was very much comparable to a mushroom in the grand scheme of things, as in he was largely kept in the dark and was fed shit. Wait a minute! "There is no affair!" Osu retorted quite justly but admittedly just as convincing to an outsider as any other man claiming the same. "Wait? Girl love? What does that even mean?" Osu did not ask the last question out of some societal prejudice against a particular branch of sexual relations but rather due to the fact in his fifteen years of life his knowledge concerning sex was limited to what he had read in medical textbooks and personal experience with his wife who somehow had managed to learn more about the various applications of said practice than Osu despite actually having less total experience with her opposite sex than him.

What he was suddenly more concerned with however was the fact that Kahako-Senpai's child was apparently about to become involved in political maneuvering? That... was very odd to him. Yes his Aunt's were a bit upset still over the lack of Chigokai representation in the village leadership, and yes a number of them did like to micromanage a bit, but Ookami the clan leader herself was far too lazy an individual to become part of any conspiracy to take control of the village. Her pure devotion to her own hedonistic pleasures would never allow her to risk any more responsibility than being the Clan Head of the Main Chigokai branch already demanded of her, much less banning the very pleasures she herself took part in. There had to be more to this story.

Grimacing at the thought of eating anything as greasy as one of those pizzah items that had become popular as of the last few years Osu followed the Main Branch Sennin to a neighborhood that very much agreed with his personal tastes but it would have been practically impossible to dream of living unless he actually inherited either one of the homes or came into an obscene amount of money with which to purchase one on the rare occasion that one of the homes was put up for sale which was extremely unlikely for a male Chigokai lacking his clan's support on even a doctor's salary due to the inherently selective nature of the neighborhood concerning the pedigree of its inhabitants. Who knows, if he saved up and lived long enough he and Chiai may be able to purchase one of the less historical homes should he make it to retirement in a few decades. Taking a moment to give a polite bow to a friendly old man who greeted them he thought a bit wistfully that he wouldn't mind quietly maintaining a garden of his own in his twilight years, perhaps building a greenhouse and breeding his own tea leaves.

Of course part of the established illusion of this particular neighborhood was shattered upon the sight of one home that was greatly set apart from its neighbors in regard to its overall care and condition. The great lack of care in yard maintenance caused Osuteno to unconsciously recoil in what could only be considered a pale imitation of the horror of the local neighborhood association upon viewing the residence. Perhaps if one of the neighboring homes ever went up for sale, they could very well be in the reach of a medical shinobi with little backing.

Osuteno received the unnecessary reminder of common etiquette without complaint despite having been thoroughly groomed to not be an embarrassment to the clan in any realm of society. Well without complaint up to a certain point, at which he once more adopted a stern but firmly controlled and acceptable volume for indoor discussion. "I am very happily married, there is no sort of affair between Saeko and I! Saeko explain to her that we are firmly established as platonic friendship and that that scene back at the apartment was the closest interaction we have had physically since I was 9 and is in no way a normal occurrence!" He was briefly distracted by the sound of someone making a hasty retreat, presumably the resident of this home. And then once more he found himself being left behind in the grand scheme of things as the importance of his opinions was largely diminished in respect to the two older and more established shinobi.

 

[Takaki Saeko]

Life is hard for poor Osuteno. His wife's pregnant with twins, his family's probably involved in a plot to usurp the Raikage, and Yuii can't decide what pronoun to use. Why, if I were capable of empathy I'd probably be feeling real sorry for Osu right now. But in the meantime all I can do is smile and nod at the beautiful sight of a man slowly freaking the fuck out.

I gently put my arm around his shoulders in my best effort to be a supportive friend. "Osu, you shouldn't just dismiss the sennin's concerns outright like that. I mean, just because you're not committing sexual infidelity doesn't mean you're being entirely faithful. You need to look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself: 'do I have a work spouse?' For healthcare providers, it's often a colleague. How many times have you, instead of going home to your wife, shared a beer with that special person after a hard day on call, because zhe--I don't wanna assume gender here--is the only one who understands what you go through?" Then, I boop him gently on the nose. Because that's what true friends do!

Satisfied that I've been a perfect buddy and pet-owner, I move on to more important and pertinent things. Like whose house we've just entered! This is only the second retired Raikage's pen that I've been to in my life! "Anyway! Osu, dude, do you know where we are? This is Kagetsu Kiyo's house! She's the latest--okay, and only--winner of the 'Most Improved Raikage' award! Man, it's too bad she became a NEET after the whole thing with Enishi. Then again, so would I, if my classical music listening partner suddenly went all yandere and shit..." I twirl around and marvel at the surroundings. "Sennin-sama! Do you think you could introduce me?"

The sound of breaking glass and hasty NEET footsteps serve as my answer. I'm disappointed, because based on what I've heard of Kagetsu Kiyo, she's like, the perfect work spouse. One day, however, I'll get my chance.

Now, Yuii told me not to touch anything, disrespect the furniture, speak loudly, put my feet on anything, or play grabass with Osu. So I immediately grab the nearest phone, dial in the number to Pizza Pagoda, and flop on the armrest of Yuii's chosen couch with my feet propped up on the kotatsu. "Yeah, I'd like a large meat-lover's with extra mystery chunks, on the stuffed crust. Delivery address is...mhm, that's right. What? You need a credit deposit? When did that start? But I took care of the damn Trashkage! Someone else is ripping your guys off! Jesus Saito, okay, hold on..." I flail over at Osuteno and slip a hand under his yukata. "Osu-chan, where's your wallet? I need it for...research purposes. Shit, how deep do they make these things, anyway? Why are you hiding a sticky kielbasa in there? You know you have to refrigerate those things! You're a freakin' doctor, so you should be the master of food safety n' shit..."

With payment settled, I hang up the phone and give Yuii my smuggest smile. "You should praise your faithful Hand, Sennin-sama! I took care of lunch for us, out of the goodness of my own heart. Anyway, I've got dibs on the can."

I rise from my seat and stomp off the the restroom, which is tastefully appointed and without a single stray short-and-curly adorning the seat. On a nearby laundry hamper, I see what looks like a fresh change of clothing, complete with underwear. It's probably what the former Raikage intends to wear after her evening bath. I almost have second thoughts about appropriating her property, but I reason that she'll definitely forgive me as a true patriot with the interests of the village at heart. Besides, an immortal's boxers are much more comfy than the lacy number I've been wearing. They smell fresher, too!

On the way out, my path is temporarily blocked by a white-haired, battle-scarred man wielding a sword of immeasurable power. He looks like someone in the history books, but I can't quite place him. Instead of lopping my head off, he gives me a toothy smile and thumbs two Mentos into my palm, then vanishes. Fresh goes better, indeed!

With that supernatural business settled, I slide under the kotatsu on the opposite side of where Osuteno sits. "Oh man, this is the greatest thing ever. I kinda wanna abandon the whole plan to save the village or whatever, and just chill here and eat pizza and peel oranges all winter long. Which in Cloud, is forever... but, ugh...if we do, then what'll happen to poor Kahako?" I let out a groan. "I hate being the village's only hope! I don't even have a build! I have like, a pathetic number of ASP points because I don't train! Wah!" I slam a fist down as I continue my monologue. "No, no...this isn't the time to be selfish. After all, I'm the faithful Hand of the Sennin and my job is to make sure she becomes the next student council president--I mean, Raikage. And how does one become the Raikage? You punch suckers in the mouth and straight up tell girls you like 'em! That's the Yuii I know! And that's why we've gotta save the kid!"

Man, it's almost like Kiyo's soul is flowing into me through the wrong end!

"Okay, so you two are probably wondering what exactly their evil plan is, huh? I can't say I know all of the details, since I was running back and forth all afternoon getting Donado of Oranji refills of taco bowls and diet coke, but what I picked up from the exchange is this: You know the ancient definition of kidnapping, right? As the great sage Ormul Lozenge put it, 'a kidnap is when a new man becomes your father.' I think Donado of Oranji is trying to take Susumu as his own, and raise him to be the heir to House Oranji. The Chigokai and Kagetsu are in on it too, although they're not going to help with the actual kidnapping. It's like they're setting up some idiotic patsies to do their job for them. When the patsies have the kid, the clans will step in, stomp out the fall guys, and then look really good in the process. Donado has a plan to subsequently 'offer' Yumers a chance to put Susumu on 'The Apprentice' as its youngest contestant, and since Yumers is kind of a dumbass, he'll go for it, thinking it'll protect Susumu from further harm. Because as much as we all worship her, Kahako still can't participate in modded battle, and thus can't protect her son directly.

"So... I think what we should do is go to where Susumu is, take the kid before the clan hired goons do it, and shelter him until the heat blows over and Donado has no choice but to leave. I mean, he has golf every Friday in Mar-a-lago, and he can't miss that for anything! We've got the early start, and they don't know I'm with you guys, so I say we head over there right away. I mean, the kid's still small, so it'll be fun! Osu, it'll be like parenting practice! The only thing is...well, hell, she barely posts anyway. Shashu won't be an issue. I don't think, at least..."

 

[Kagetsu Yuii]

Yuii peered under the crook of her arm and watched, with increasing annoyance, the other two interacting. Osu looked really uncomfortable while Saeko went on a treasure hunt in their Yukata in a blatant disregard for Yuii's rules of entry disguised as a wallet search. Nobody kept their money front and centre. Personal prejudices aside, it was disrespectful and dangerous for Saeko to dismiss Yuii's warnings like this. "Could you not?" she growled, punctuated by an ireful thud on the floor above. Saeko knew where they were, she had some understanding of the homeowner's history, but she didn't know the person hiding above them listening to every sound, watching every movement, seething with repressed malice and hatred. One did not get cockblocked for thirty years along with a fundamentally life-changing betrayal without having a few quirks. She was still safer to be around than Ishiyo.

"I don't even like pizza," Yuii muttered, pushing herself up to sitting when Saeko left the room in search for 'the can'. The house layout wasn't complicated, so the energetic woman was bound to find her way without any trouble. Yet, once again there was that nagging feeling that Saeko shouldn't be left alone to wander around the house, hers or Kiyo's, but Yuii wasn't going follow her to the toilet. That was all kinds of inappropriate and the very last thing Yuii wanted or needed was a sexual harassment case as a cherry on top of the worst week ever. And speaking of sexual harassment cases.

Saeko took her aura of lunacy with her and left was a bubble of sanity that allowed Yuii to focus on Osu for the first time. The Sennin had been too occupied with her own troubles to pay him any attention beyond getting annoyed he was perpetually being molested. This was a guy? She remembered now he had said something about being one, but it was really difficult to believe. He was disturbingly young looking too, maybe even half Yuii's age young! She wasn't sure kids his age were even allowed to get married! Also, wasn't Saeko like, a real adult? How was any of what had happened up until now okay? How did underage kids afford swanky apartments and get married before her!? Yuii paled, turned green then bowed her blue mopped head as a wave of depression hit her. She was a Christmas cake. Raiden help her.

"Yukata-chan!" she gasped, lunging forward to grab Osu's shoulders, "Are you..." Yuii froze. Was she really going to ask Osu if he was actually a guy, or married, or under aged? She barely knew him, and as much as she wanted to shake him until all his anti spinster secrets came loose, Yuii was pretty sure the monster upstairs would have a fit if she overheard her being a bad hostess or implying there was an under aged child being assaulted under her roof. That was the trouble with Hashigakis, they were always listening. The Kunoichi shook her head violently, making a greater mess of her hair, and grasped for something else to say, "thirsty? Are you thirsty? You look like a tea drinker." "There's lots in the kitchen. You can pick whatever you like. I'll show you"

Making tea had been what Kiyo was doing when they arrived by the look of the smashed cup glittering on the well-polished wood floor and already heated water in its expensive copper kettle. With a guilty hum, Yuii knelt and picked up the scattered chunks of pottery, "there are more cups in the right cupboard but none for me. She doesn't label anything so you will have to smell."

Yuii glanced at the stairs that ended in the hall they had taken to the kitchen and thought she saw a flash of red hair. "Not exactly the reaction you'd expect from a retired Raikage, right? I bet Saito doesn't run off and cower in his bedroom when he has guests. Could you imagine someone like Takao cowering? It's sad." The Hashigaki would have heard her, but Yuii had never held back when it came to her disappointment with her aunt.

While Osu made tea(or didn't because what did she care), Yuii fished a toddler sized bag of chocolate chip cookies from a back cupboard and a mostly-full litre of milk from the fridge. Unless otherwise asked to help she would retreat back to the living room area and start in on her snacks.

By the magic of wobbly time, they would be back to the living room when Saeko finished her mischief.

Staying there did sound nice, but Yuii knew it was just an illusion of peace. Eventually, Kiyo was going to get fed up with playing absentee host to a bunch of touchy weirdos. She would force them to listen to boring classical music or read poetry at them until their brains melted then, or worse.

"Who would be stupid enough to kidnap Little Ayumu?" she grumbled, straight up ignoring Saeko's talk about her becoming Raikage, "If we get him first, they shouldn't be a problem. I wouldn't know where to find the kid, though. Isn't his Mom kind of crazy? Who else would be watching him?" She unsurprisingly knew very little about Ayumu's child or the weird family dynamic they seemed to have. She couldn't even think of who to ask.

Yuii hummed and stared at the ceiling with a mouth full of cookies and tried to puzzle out a way to work out Susumu's whereabouts when she remembered with a jolt why she was even there in the first place. "There is another problem Takaki. Yukata-chan came to tell me you've been taking paperwork home and leaving it strewn across your apartment. Very IMPORTANT paperwork like Ayumu's vacation schedule. What else is sitting out in the open just waiting to be read by the unsupervised doom squad and how much of it is tied to the ongoing investigations? We need to get whatever is in your apartment before they realise their plan isn't going to work, get bored, and fuck my life over worse than it already is. On that note, why are they in YOUR apartment? Did you invite them there or something?"

 

[Osuteno]

“A- a what? Work spouse? Of course I don’t! I… don’t really have colleagues anyway… I mean… people at work are nice to me but I have never really spent time with them and I am too young to order alcohol so I never had any before and I haven’t joined others for things after work and… *mumble mumble mumble mumble…*”

Osu was so caught up in admitting he didn’t really have any other friends aside from Saeko herself currently since he fell out of touch with those he did have years ago, that he took a bit to realize who Saeko said owned the house. “She is still alive!?” Osu exclaimed a bit more than he meant to. Oh that was terribly rude but… well it was rather surprising. Osu looked up towards where the other heartbeat in the house was and realized that a really really old kage was right there and apparently just as immortal as people claimed her to be… Which meant he was terribly torn now.

Good manners said he should greet the owner of the home, that was common sense. But the owner retreated and was currently hiding, so it seemed rude to pry. At the same time though as a former Raikage she was due great respect and he should convey that… But should they really stay here at all if they were making her uncomforta-...

“Saeko!?!” Osu’s voice suddenly raised in pitch as he stumbled backwards blushing madly from… from… What the hell was she doing?!?

Osu’s wallet fell from his sleeve as he scrambled away from Saeko along with a signal flare, a small pouch of minor explosives, medical kit containing scalpel, syringes with both poison and antidotes (which was which really depended on the situation), and other odd items which scattered about upon the container hitting the floor from his sleeve. Osu retreated backwards from Saeko and hid behind Yuii while readjusting his yukata to where everything was where it was supposed to be.

… Did she just give them his information to pay for a pizzah? Osu didn’t even like pizzah.

In an alternate universe the mysterious entity driving Osu’s destiny may have gotten a bit drunk while guiding the poor lad at this point. In another time, another place, this would have been the point where Osu had enough, the straw that broke the camel’s back. In this alternate history in a fitting and poetic rage this would have been the moment that Osu took advantage of his detachable anatomy to give Saeko exactly what she wanted and beat her around with an extendable bludgeon, and maybe might have involved using said bludgeon as a garrote. Unfortunately this force slept and sobered up and was plainly confused why he thought such a thing would be in character whatsoever, and struck it from this timeline. It is only mentioned here to appease the other mysterious entities that drive fate.

A small spark of anger lit in Osu directed towards Saeko but nothing ignited. Instead Osu continued being a spineless pansy as usual and accepted his lot in life.

It was rather unfortunate that the Main Branch sennin didn’t ask a few of her questions at least, so Osu could explain to her a bit about the outside world considering that people in Kumogakure largely forgot that most of their country was still a very agricultural society so people getting married and starting families at around 15 wasn’t that weird at all. Only inside the village and other urban areas had society advanced the idea that more time needed to be spent on education before life progressed into adulthood. Hell he would have even explained that if he hadn’t already been married when he came back to the village his Aunt was apparently planning to marry him to some sort of… Kuristsumasu Cake?? he believed the expression they used was, that the Kagetsu clan couldn’t manage to marry off as a favor. Maybe even someone she knew.

“Why yes I would love some tea,” Osu replied. Osu felt a little shy about digging around in someone else’s tea but he found a lovely thai blend with hints of cinnamon and set about preparing the pot to steep. Osu found himself looking towards the heartbeat of the former Raikage as the Main Branch Sennin… Yuii-San gave a rather harsh commentary. It was very awkward to say the least.

When they made their way back into the living area Osu felt the situation was becoming oddly ridiculous again and for some reason he was the only one thinking so.

“Wait what? The Apprentice? Who is Donado or Donaldo or Donatello? Who even came up with this plan? That can’t be the entirety of it, it sounds ridiculous. What do you mean about Kahako-Senpai? No one at the hospital will really talk about why she isn’t around. Why don’t we find Susumu and take him to Ayumu-Sama and explain to him that something odd is happening because I am not entirely sure who is even involved from my clan at this point since you won’t say and I can’t imagine Ookami finding this entertaining enough to have a hand in it herself and most of the other members of the clan leadership while… dedicated to protecting the village wouldn’t do anything big without her permission as much as they dislike doing so. Maybe a couple of them? I can’t imagine the second or third branches going with a plan with so many holes in it… maybe the fifth?... The fourth branch… Actually she might help if the Kagetsu are involved… Saeko was the Chigokai that was there a redheaded woman in a rather revealing western… was there a Chigokai woman who looked like she might be related to Kitsune-Sensei? Or perhaps a pink-haired woman in more traditional clothing long sleeves and all?” The fourth and fifth branch heads, respectively, would be the most likely out of any of them to think of something this ridiculous could work well. Also the others didn’t work well at all with outsiders. The fourth branch head Manane happened to be the one who was forced to take Osu in by the clan head so he really hoped it wasn’t she who was in the apartment with his wife considering that arranged marriage that was ruined. The fifth branch head Mizuki… well she was a strong, wealthy and connected woman but… she was rather… dense. No dense was a bit mean… gullible? She wasn't dumb just... She was... Let's go with gullible.

 

[Takaki Saeko]

In a parallel universe, Osu's beating me silly with his detachable kielbasa. I imagine the scene goes something like this:

Osu, as he swings his thing: "Silence, you below-average-intelligence bitch! I've had enough of your constant crap! All the horrible shit that's ever happened to me is your fault and your fault alone! Who was responsible for putting that goddamned library in my head in the first place? I was only nine years old! You could've stepped up and said something but instead you were like 'yay, let those shady bastards implant Osu with illegal nanobots or whatever and cause him lifelong mental trauma!' Now I have to share headspace with my little sister, and unlike in my hentai animes she just makes fun of me and laughs when I wank it! No man should ever have to put up with that! And now that I'm beating you raw with my detachable member you're also making me cheat on my wife! I hate you! I hate you so much!"

Saeko, as she's being pelted by said thing: "What's your problem, dude? I was just trying to help! It's not my fault your head-librarian turned out to be your little sister! I didn't even write that in as canon when we had that crappy adventure together! You made that part up because deep down you're a pervert who loves the idea of boning blood relatives but can't bring yourself to admit it! Oh please! If it came down to picking which hole Jashin's gonna guide your cock into, it'd totally be Uso, then Uso, then Uso, and then maybe me and lastly Chiai! You need to get on all fours and apologize to your wife! Do it right now! Why are you shooting that sticky stuff at me? That's her property!"

I wonder if Yuii's holding me down in that scene, too. Probably is. But in another parallel universe, I'm actively strangling Osu for revealing to Yuii that there's Very Important Papers (VIP) strewn all around the apartment.

"Ah! Those!" My voice cracks involuntarily, like I've become a teenage boy. "Y-y-you've got it all wrong, Sennin-sama! See, I knew from the start that the election of Donado of Oranji was bad for the nation! I mean, in all seriousness, we can't let this guy get the nuclear codes, right? Well, see, I knew that one day he'd come storming into our village with his army of four-thousand-pound alt-right NEETS, all looking into getting our secrets and stuff for nefarious purposes, so I've been working extra hard behind the scenes to make it super hard for him to do that! Where do you think they're going to look first for all our Very Important Papers? You know, the ones with our Netflix passwords and the location of all those stashes of hentai? They're gonna look in our protected places, like that part of the library with that old woman who looks like she's got a million hernias! So I'm using the ancient ninja principle of hiding treasure in plain sight! They're not gonna look at the Torre Celeste access codes in the bathroom reading bin, because they're going to immediately think those are all fake! Disinformation! Alternative Facts! Russian Hackers! The Deep State! The Bogdanoffs!"

I look up from my unconscious efforts to crush Osuteno's sensitive places and locations. Somehow I've got him in a Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu hold on the floor and his pelvis is about to snap in half. Fortunately, Yuii doesn't seem to care. She probably just assumes this is what all those fertile Chads and Stacys do with each other on a friendly basis. I let Osu out of my leglock out of deference to my Christmas Cake of a boss. It's probably emotionally distressing for her to be reminded that the younger people in the village are trading chlamydia like Pokemon.

"Ah! Anyway, the point is, Sennin-sama, that you have greater concerns! This all goes back to the original problem, and that is Kogami Ayumu. Anytime you find yourself thinking something like: 'that Saeko is a threat to national security' or 'maybe I should kill her for my own sanity and the good of the village,' just remind yourself that that one day, we'll all be free of Yumers's oppression and you might even find yourself a boyfriend or husband to boot."

I help Osu up and tousle his hair like a good buddy. "Oh, um, for both of your information I didn't invite any of those people over. You know, ever since Chiai moved in, it's like our apartment's become a demonic nexus that draws in evil weirdos from all over! At first it was the usual crowd, you know, Scientologists and meat-from-the-back-of-a-truck scammers, but then we've been getting all these strange gifts and packages addressed to the 'Granddaughters of Jashin' and 'The Twin Princesses of Hell' and a lot of visits from raggedly-looking priests that want to rub Chiai's belly and kowtow to her. One of them was very rude, Osu. He called you a failure but said your girls were the true inheritors of your father's power. I had no idea what he was talking about. Isn't your dad like, some layabout mangaka who's had his characters stuck on a boat for a decade? Anyway, so like, The Donado and the other clanspeople were drawn there like in a trance and stuff. They even bowed to Chiai and chanted a bit before their secret meeting."

I sigh and throw up my hands. "Of course, they totally excluded me, other than to tell me to get them drinks and stuff. Rude! I even donated to Donado's campaign, and he didn't even remember my name. I might as well have given all my shit to Bernie for all the recognition it got me! But it's fine. You see, Osu, I really like your wife. Chiai's a sweet, lovable girl who watches out for her own, which is why you should feel extra bad for neglecting her needs like that. Do you not like her anymore, or is videogaming and shitposting just that compelling? Jeez, Osu, talk about taking good things for granted! Anyway, she was trying her best to get along with your creepy family. Including that redhead you mentioned. You know, she does look like Kitsune, now that you think about it."

I glance at the clock and lose my train of thought. "Oh, crap! Why am I trying to solve both your relationship problems, anyway? We need to focus here! Yumers's kid is in danger! We need to get to him first! But we don't know where he is..." I pick up the phone again and dial a number. Then, it picks up with silence. "Shashu? Saeko-desu. Look, you didn't hear it from me, but Yumers is in the baths right now and you can totally see his ass. Don't worry, I'll watch the kid for a bit--you guys at the park? What's the little guy into these days? What the fuck is 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Tanuki?' Some kind of furry version of NC? We'll figure it out, no worries. Go have fun!"

I hang up. "Crap...crap crap crap. Um, we've got to leave to get the kid right now!" I shout to the upstairs: "Raikage-sama! The pizza guy will be here soon! It's all paid for, don't worry! You can have some if you want! We'll be back in a few!"

* * *​

With Yuii and Osu reluctantly in tow, we make our way to the little park where my ANBU contact stalks watches Susumu play. It's been a long time since I've seen the kid, ever since my idol Kahako decided to cast off all worldly desires and become a shut-in. Last time, I could've sworn he was an infant, but what I see now is a little boy at the height of his childhood. If all goes according to plan, he'll join the academy next year and exchange his wiffle sword for one made of steel. In the process, he'll forever part with his innocence. As slaves of this village, we're all destined to be killers in the end. The only thing we can do is to enjoy what peace we can before it's inevitably smothered by the weight of our sins.

That being said, the kid actually looks pretty hardcore already. He's already mercilessly slaughtered several cardboard cutouts of villains from TMNT, and is clearly looking for more action. Along the way, I did some research on the show. It's typical shounen battle trash that appeals to eight-year-olds, and features a team of four pizza-addicted tanuki who fight crime by beating immigrants and poor people to a bloody pulp. I think the recent season finale was about the squad breaking up a strike by mine workers protesting for basic safety measures to be taken by their company. The most talked about scene was when Osutello literally jammed his quarterstaff up some migrant worker's ass until it popped out of the guy's mouth. Anyway, the tanuki themselves have characteristic weapons and colors, and their most prominent feature is the...uh...sack that they all wear draped over their backs like a cloak.

Susumu's got the outfit down pat, with a yellow headband and tanuki ears, pair of nunchaku (Jesus Saito, I just realized they're fuckin' real) and a burlap sack as a cloak. If I know anything about little boys, it's that they love a good, imaginary romp that involves killing things, and pizza. I clear my throat and approach him.

"Uh, hey fella! Um, you're just the tanuki we're looking for! You see, we're just normal Cloud citizens and we need your help! That villain, Shreddernuke, has taken up residence in my boss's house and won't leave!" I point to Yuii. "He just sits there day after day, eating her food, drinking her milk, and laying on her couch while she goes and works her hands to the bone! He won't even clean or do dishes, or even perform his minimum duty as a man and service her! So we need your help to get rid of him! You can totally kill him, just like in the show! Will you come with us? We'll give you pizza as a reward! I know the TMNT love pizza!"

 

[Kogami Ayumu]

Susumu, Age 8

Susumu had worked up quite a sweat fighting crime as a Teenage Mutant Ninja Tanuki. He slung the nunchaku around the back of his neck to let his hang freely as he took a seat on a bench where his lunchbox was waiting for him. Placing it on his lap he admired the four ninja tanuki on the front of it before opening it. He'd already polished off his snacks, but a pristine juice box still remained and beating up cardboard was thirsty work. He pried the bendy straw from the adhesive on the carton and removed it from its packaging. He then set to work at the impossible task of guiding it through the little hole, finally managing after a few tries. As the refreshing sugary goodness hit his taste buds, he noticed a deranged looking woman walking toward him. Instinctively, Susumu began looking around for an adult he could run to, but unfortunately the only people around seemed to be the ones following behind her. There was little choice but to listen to her plea.

From the sounds of it, the woman and her companions were in need of his help. A villain had taken over someone's house and was refusing to return it to it's rightful owner. Susumu looked briefly at the woman in question and realized that he'd seen her before. Susumu had a hobby of sneaking into the Legation, and now the Torre Celeste to spy on his father and see what kinds of things the Raikage got up to. She and his dad often ate sweets together- in fact, it seemed like every time he'd seen her she had some kind of dessert. These were the most trying times for Susumu as he had to watch them eat delicious cookies or cakes and couldn't say a word. 'Being a Raikage must be like the COOLEST job ever!' Susumu thought with envy. His dad clearly trusted her, so he guessed he could too.

The crazy lady went on, explaining the horrors that this villain was putting Yuii through, though he didn't quite understand what the man's duty to service her was. Maybe she meant he wasn't paying rent? For whatever reason, they were coming to him, an 8 year old child, to seek help. They didn't actually think he was a TMNTanuki right? Sure, he had put together a pretty sweet costume, but everybody knew it was just a TV show (a damn cool one though it was). He couldn't possibly...

'Wait, did she say pizza?'

"I do like pizza," Susumu said before even realizing what he was saying. They had appealed to one of his vices. Frustrated by his weakness, he went back to sipping at his juice box until he had reached the bottom so it made that horrid sound they make when they're sucking mostly air. 'This blue haired lady is dad's friend, I should try to help her if I can. That's what dad would do, right? I dunno what they want from me though, I haven't even started at the Academy yet,' he thought. He wasn't going to say that out loud, though. They might not give him the pizza if they didn't think he could help.

"What kind of pizza are we talking about here?" he asked. This was very important. If it was some of that weak veggie pizza crap, he was SO out.

 

[Takaki Saeko]

The minute I see the sides of the kid's juice box start to cave in, I know we're all in for something awful. Everyone knows what happens when you try to suck up the dregs and the box doesn't have any more to give! Kid! Stop! Don't do it don't do it don't do it don'tdoitdon'tdoitdon'tdoitdundoitdundoduh...

Oh, Jesus Saito! He's doing it!

I slap my hands over my ears in a futile attempt to protect my soft, squishy brain, but it's to no avail. The muffs! They do nothing! I fall to my knees and pray for a quick death by aneurysm. Unfortunately, sweet release never comes, because little kids don't really have that much lung capacity.

I look up at Yumers's devil-spawn with tears in my eyes. Are all children like this all the time? If so, then I need to ask Osu to gouge my uterus out with a rusty spoon right now so I can never breed. I mean, I'm sure Osu has considered performing an elective hysterectomy without anesthesia on me many times already, but now I'm ready to consent to it. "Please, no more! I'll confess everything! It's...it's a meat-lover's pizza! With extra mystery chunks! I...I said that Kiyo-sama could have some, but if you want, we'll order another one on top of that! We'll even get cheesy breadsticks and churros! I'll spend everyone else's money if I have to!"

To my disbelief, the kid looks like he's about to go for another deep draw. What the flying fuck, Yumers? Why couldn't you at least outfit your spawn with Capri Sun?

"Wait! Wait! If...if you toss that box right now, we'll...we'll make the game more enjoyable! TMNT works in a team, right? I mean, I know there aren't any girls in the show, but this guy looks a lot like Osutello, right?" I point at Osu, obviously. "He's even named Osuteno, and he carries a big stick! How'd you like to kick some minority hindquarters with a partner, hmm?"

I glare at Osu with the fury of a thousand angry juiceboxes. "Play along, dude! Don't look at me all stupefied! Like, shrink down and get into TMNT cosplay! I think Osutello is the purple one! And they all wear a gigantic nutsack draped over their backs!"

 

[Osuteno]

Osu felt somewhere on the path of his life his role was switched from peaceful background character to comic relief as Saeko seemed to be trying to break bones of his that weren't even there. Rather he was the butt of the jokes rather than the instigator. This thought stayed with him as any attempt to try to bring what he thought was reason to this situation seemed to have as much impact as a fly hitting a locomotive. Maybe he just wasn't seeing something everyone else was? Was he the odd one? This thought continued as he felt the situation begin to snowball. It was right? It couldn't only be him that thought there were parts of this that were not a good idea? Was he just being paranoid? Were his doubts logical only to himself?

Osu's existential crisis only seemed to grow more intense as he was drug out the door and saw what the hell the Raikage's son was wearing. Really?! This isn't strange to anyone else? He is the only person around who has a problem with this? He couldn't help but think the entirety of Saeko's offer was extremely suspicious. Way too Suspicious there was no way Kahako-Senpai's son would go along with such a suspicious adult.

Osu felt his face take on a blank expression when he heard, "I do like pizza."

HAVE SOME SENSE OF SELF PRESERVATION!

Why? How in the world was KAhako-Senpai's son so oblivious to the danger this woman was signaling. Why was he himself not stopping this? Should he... What should he do? The Main Branch Sennin was apparently going on with this madness. Did she find all this normal?

Before he could continue his internal rant Saeko suddenly brought him back into the fold of this. "I look like a who now?" This... this had to be getting more ridiculous. "You want me to wear a what on my back?"

He looked back at Susumu who was wearing that nonsensical outfit without a single care then looked up to the sky as if the giant boulder which could save him from this situation might appear.

No such luck. He looked at Saeko, then Yuii, then Susumu, then sighed. He was an accomplice in this bizarre mockery of everyday life. Resigning himself to go along with this... whatever it was, Osu began thinking back to his height measurements over time. He had always been a smaller kid so to end up about the same height as Susumu, perhaps a bit shorter... He nodded as he thought of the appropriate age.

But before he transformed he decided that as a kid there was something else he could do as well that Susumu might like. It went well in pediatrics at least. He reached into the chest area of his yukuta where it could hide the hole that was creepily opening up in his chest and pulled out three of his hearts. Of course before they were visible to the others they did a change of their own. There was a poof of smoke as Osu transformed and when it cleared a young Osu wearing tanuki ears and three chibi Osu appeared.
[col][spoilername="Little Osu About 10 YO"]

[/spoilername]|[spoilername="Chibi Osus"]

[/spoilername][/col]

Hopefully the little excitable balls of life energy would distract the others from the fact his cosplay was lacking that ridiculous back gear.

As for the little excitable balls of life energy they were already beginning to wander up to the others with excitement as they wanted to play... They uh... were lacking a bit in the... That is to say he was only able to give the chibi Osus so many of his blood cells that were dedicated to brain power. The three little hims mimed at each other for a few seconds before they apparently came to some sort of agreement and each went to bounce around in front of one of the others. That isn't what he intended when he instructed them to... You know what this will be a good learning experience to see how specific he had to be with his orders.

The odd tanuki ears twitching on top of his transformed head, Osu created a staff about his own height from his blood and spun it around a bit just to make sure it was properly solidified and had a good balance to it. Perfectly solid and good distribution of weight. "Is this about right?" he said with the voice of a young girl that he had as a child.

 

[Kagetsu Yuii]

Yuii wasn't really in the head-space to defend Osu, a well trained and capable shinobi, from the bullying of a woman his own rank that didn't even have a proper build. It was a shame he had no spine to speak of, because they could have used a few objections to the increasingly ridiculous plan, starting with the terrible costumes and ending with the entire premise. The blue haired Sennin herself would have appreciated someone pointing out the sheer insanity of the 'hide it in plain sight' explanation too, but complete strangers could only expect so much from each other.

In fact, that lack of knowledge about one another was starting to lead Yuii's mind down dangerous avenues as she backtracked over the events of the day and tried to work out how all of this had started. No matter how she looked at it, everything had started and revolved around Osu. He had lured Yuii to his apartment out of 'concern' for Saeko just as the Donaldo just HAPPENED to be visiting that same place. He had done nothing to distract or help them from getting caught by his residence's guests. He had allowed himself to continue getting molested despite her very reasonable warning to keep the weird not-girl-love out of Kiyo's home. He was going along with Saeko's weird plan like it was a great idea to kidnap the Raikage's son. Accounting for the Chigokai's involvement, which WAS odd, could it be Osu was manipulating them into being, as Saeko had called them 'idiotic patsies'? It made to much sense and, horrifyingly, it meant Ishiyo knew Yuii was involved in this mess. The only out from being quietly disposed of by her clan head had been pretending she had no involvement with undermining their awful plan to hurt the mini Ayumu, but if that was gone Yuii was screwed sideways and not in a Christmas cake fixing sort of way.

So there she was, standing awkwardly in her awful costume as the pair of Chuunin-level shinobi made passes at Ayumu's son like a card carrying child abductors. They couldn't have been more obvious if they had rocked up with Pedostaches and free candy signs. The tiger mums hovering over their own children were eyeing them up with that 'I'm about to call the ANBU' stare, and Yuii had a feeling she would be under another investigation come morning. It was hard to shake the sense that they were making a horrible mistake, a feeling that solidified her suspicions of Osu.

Was Saeko in on it, or was she the fall-girl? She had no connection with a clan that Yuii knew of and SOMEONE had sent her after Ayumu not to long ago in a suicidal attempt to take the Raikage down. That same someone could be setting her up to take all the blame for Ayumu-chibi's kidnapping! She was well known for having daddy issues and a raging hate-on for Ayumu after all. Maybe Osu was doing that too! There was no way to know.

On the surface is seemed as if Saeko bullied Osu into turning into a child playmate for Susumu, but no one had said anything about chibis. "Oh my good god Raiden! You multiplied." Yuii felt the unmistakable flutter of her ovaries as those adorable round eyes looked up at her with kitten tier charm. With an involuntary squeal, she picked up the little Osu and cradled it close. She wanted to snuggle it, she wanted to feed it, she wanted to dress it up in little costumes and parade it around town like a trophy! How could anything be this cute? "Aren't you just the sweetest little baby," she cooed, wiggling her fingers at it.

Then, like the kool aid man, twins dread and realisation came crashing back through the wall of Osu's cute little diversion. No! He was just distracting her! This was another ploy! He would distract them and steal the mini-Ayumu then turn him into the trio for the full reward! Her aunt would be furious if Yuii allowed another clan to show them up!

Golden god help her. Yuii's only hope was to turn the kid in and please her aunt and pissing off the lesser of two evils. Surely they wouldn't hurt Ayumu's child, just ransom him or that weird TV show thing or something! Ayumu would be pretty pissed off and might fire her for kidnapping his kid, but he was a pretty nice guy. With enough reason and sucking up, he MIGHT forgive her enough to not throw her in prison forever. That was much more preferable to the poisoned cup that would come from Ishiyo

"I swear, you two don't even make sense. Here, I've taught like, a dozen classes? I speak child." she groaned, waving her hands frantically at the Osu chibi to shoo it off- in the most carefree 'I'm not suspicious of you,' way she could manage. A+ acting casual, she was the definition of an awkward potato.

Yuii's turn to make a pass at Ayumu's progeny then. With that same forced casual approach, she threw her arm around Susumu's ballsack ladened shoulders tried for the usual kid speak greeting, "Ayumu kid, Whats, uh.... up?" She'd nod at anything he had to say. Then, without warning, she threw her half eaten, giant bag of cookies at Saeko and the chibi squad, bark "Run, they're kidnappers!" and try to pull Susumu off in the direction of Osu and Saeko's apartment.

Kidnapping from kidnappers trying to kidnap a kid from imaginary kidnappers.

 

[Kogami Ayumu]

Susumu made a mental note of the effect that his juice box was having on Saeko as she begged him to stop. He didn't find the noise that annoying, but apparently to some it was akin to torture. He had just developed his first special move. He'd have to hold on to the juice box for later, just in case. There was promise of a pizza laden in the most unhealthy of toppings, cheesy breadsticks, and even churros. Susumu was totally on board now with the promise of food. For a moment, he began daydreaming about the pizza and absentmindedly went to sip more of his juice box. Only Saeko's desperate cries jostled him from his thoughts and brought him back to the present. She aimed to sweeten the deal even more by giving Susumu a partner, pointing at Osuteno and claiming that he looked like one of the tanuki from the show. Which he totally didn't.

"Uhh... I mean, I guess he does," Susumu uttered awkwardly as Saeko began whispering to Osu. He didn't want to hurt the guy's feelings, but he looked nothing like Osutello. Then again, it was pretty hard to look like a tanuki, so Susumu couldn't really blame him. Susumu's eyes widened in surprise as the puff of smoke briefly obscured his vision of Osu. When the smoke cleared, he had shrunk slightly in size and was now sporting two real ears as well as a top notch TMNT cosplay. Now Susumu was impressed.

"Whooooah," he exclaimed with enthusiasm, running up to Osu. He hadn't even noticed the chibis at first and almost tripped over one of them as he noticed it a moment before stepping on it. This quickly stole his short little attention span away from the bigger Osu as Susmu dropped down on his knees to look at one of them. "Wow, they're so small! Since when can shinobi shrink?" he said, watching with amusement as the little thing in front of him jumped up and down. Thinking little about whether or not the chibi-Osu would want to be picked up, Susumu lifted the nearest one up by the back of its little yukata while Yuii was busy smothering one of her own in affection.

Susumu didn't have much time to inspect the dangling chibi before Yuii had decided to toss an arm around his shoulders in the most stranger danger move he had experienced yet. Somehow, she was presently giving off the most suspicious vibe of any of them as she referred to him as Ayumu's kid and casually asked him what was up. Susumu was now effectively skeeved out, and for good reason. Without warning, Yuii had grasped his arm tightly and began pulling him along while yelling something about kidnappers. All at once, as he was being dragged along, the realization that he might be getting kidnapped at that very moment hit him as he lost his grip on the tiny Osu and dropped it in the grass behind him.

But who was he being kidnapped by? Yes, Yuii was currently dragging him along without his permission, but she was his dad's friend and seemed to be trying to warn him about the other two. And what of the pizza? The realization struck him. "WHAT ABOUT THE PIZZA?!" Susumu yelled in a panic as he worked out that the promise of pizza might be slipping from his grasp. No, that wasn't the most important thing now was it? He knew better than that. "Where are you taking me? Are we going to see my dad?!" Susumu asked, trying to keep up with Yuii with his short legs. That seemed like the logical solution, if somebody was trying to kidnap him.

Meanwhile, somebody had definitely already called for ANBU by this point.

 

[Osuteno]

Osu felt this was simply getting out of hand. Why in the world was the Main Branch Sennin running straight to the apartment with Senpai's child while knowing perfectly well who was there? He had three guesses in mind. The first was that she had been playing them this whole time. That felt extremely unlikely since she wouldn't have been here if he didn't go meet with her. Second she had somehow come to the conclusion that they had been playing her and... wait that wouldn't explain why she was taking them back to... That only left the third option.

Osu grabbed Saeko by the shoulders and looked her right in the eyes. "Saeko, I need you to silence whatever agent of chaos that swirls around in that head of yours and listen seriously to what I am about to say. The three of us are idiots. Complete idiots. And very likely the same idiotic patsies expected to run around in circles and kidnap Susumu. Unless you are in on their ridiculous plan and playing me for a fool, we have fallen right into the most idiotic plan I have ever heard of with our own even greater idiocy. You call Ayumu and try to explain to him how we are enormous morons and that we need him to come to our apartment immediately to help handle this dumbass of oranges person and prevent me from causing a civil war when I punch him out of frustration."

Osu then looked in the direction of their apartment and stretched out bloody tentacles at angles to the side and a few straight behind him and started pulling himself backwards. "Also I would suggest hopping on my back so you will have me to absorb the impact when we hit the building. I'm mostly goop to start with anyway... Hey you lot get over here before I forget you." The chibis, one still trying to climb Saeko and the other two pouting, waddled over and climbed back into Osu.

"Saeko, it is difficult to aim, adjust tension and release the proper veins fast enough not to disrupt where we will impact. Get your ass over here, climb on, and cut the vessels behind me." If any more stress piled on Osu he swore he was going to scream at someone.

Meanwhile Chiai for the umpteenth time that day broke whatever her hands was on, this time unfortunately part of the bathroom sink. Son of a bitch that hurt! Goodness that weird ass piss she had earlier, these aches that were becoming more common and stronger each damn time, and trying to act "normal" or whatever in front of these people. Where the hell was Osu at anyway? He would know what these damn aches would be. Not even 15 minutes between them anymore. Jashin damn it all she needed to sit down or she was going to break something or someone else. She might need to call a doctor even if he didn't get home soon. That was a weird thought to her. The cult never did have anything to do with doctors, if you died you were simply weak. Even if her husband was one and kept telling her things and having her listen to other doctors it really went in one ear and out the other because to her all this healthy life and symptom stuff sounded like nonsense to her. Goodness the girls felt like they were acting up as well. She was probably going to scream if anything else piled on this heap of nonsense.

 

[Takaki Saeko]

It's working out. Against all logic, hope, and good sense, it's all working out. Somehow, Osu and I have managed to convince lil' Susumu that we're not just a pack of creepy chomos trucking along in a windowless white van. He'll come along quietly, we'll hide out for a while playing Teenage Mutant Ninja Fascists. At the end of the day, Donado of Oranji's just going to have to fuck right back off to his resort and sulk. I bet he'll even shoot ten over par, he'll be so mad! I smile dreamily while imagining the accolades coming my way. "Saeko, you're so cunning!" "Wow, have this giant bag of money for your efforts!" and "Gee, Saeko, you're much better at this ninja thingamajig than I am! I'll just give you the Raikage hat now and run out of here with my pants around my ankles!"

Wait. Why is Yuii being so touchy and creepy around Susumu all of a sudden? Is that literal spaghetti, meatballs, and marinara spilling out of her pockets and sloshing on the ground? What a waste of food! I tear myself away from being mesmerized by chibi Osus and extend a hand at her. "Sennin-sama, we should really get a move on! Let's not turn this kidnapping into a hentai--"

Then, everything breaks apart. My house of cards doesn't just fall apart, it spontaneously combusts. Yuii's sudden movements don't even register in my brainpan before I'm knocked onto my ass by the force of her giant bag of half-eaten cookies right in my face. My senses explode into a frenetic storm of half-melted milk chocolate and expertly-coated sprinkles. "--kidnappers!" batters my ears as I flail about, powerless to do anything.

Now I'm in major trouble, and not just because my sennin's gone batshit and made off with our target. Yuii's infamous bag of sweets is possibly one of the most devastating weapons in existence. For starters, take the average cookie recipe: the ratio of butter and sugar to actual flour is literally one to one. Therefore, each individual serving of gooey goodness packs enough caloric energy to feed a family of four for an entire year in the third world, is how the math works out. A single swipe of Yuii's bag can deliver at least thirty cookies straight to your gullet before you can raise a single finger in protest: that's enough fat and sugar to feed a hundred and twenty starving children in one go, and I've just taken a megadose. (Historian's note: It's heavily implied that Saeko simply went and gorged herself on the sweets that were flung at her by Kagetsu Yuii during this critical juncture)

I painfully bring myself to my hands and knees. The world's still a blur. "Osu!" I croak. "Osu! She...I'm injured bad! I have to...initiate an emergency purge! If I don't...I'll gain like four dress sizes and nothing else will matter..." I ready my fingers and shakily aim them. I'm about to perform the world's most disgusting Hail Mary, but it's my only option. I close my eyes. "B-bulimia no jutsu!" I shout, and jam the fingers down my own throat.

The response is swift, brutal, and effective. It also sears my throat with my own stomach acids and fills my eyes with tears. "Yuii..." I clench my jaw in realization. "No! Osu, I know what's going on! Dammit, I thought I'd dealt with the bastard, but it's clear that Yuii-sama's been taken over by the Trashkage! She let down her guard for one moment because of a cute kid, and she got plugged with a demonic meme virus! The elite hacker known as 4chan is up to his old tricks again! Damn you, Sonzai X!"

As I roll around in despair that would make Psyduck blush, Osu finally mans up and shakes some sense into me. Even though he is a wordy motherfucker. My shaking and blubbering come to a (temporary) halt. "Osu, you're...you're right. I'm sorry I lost my cool. I'll tell Lord Kek to quiet down for a moment." Shakily, I pull out my mobile (shinobi headsets are kind of a thing you do when you're twelve--adults have smartphones) and push the speed dial entry for "Dingdong Douchenozzle III."

"Yumers, it's me. Look, uh...I have a confession to make. And that is..." I grip the phone and my hands start to shake. "...that everything's totally fine! We're doing ay-okay and making Kumo great again! Shinbatsu Bless This Mess!" I shout, and hang up. I hop on Osu's back and dig my heels into his sides like he's my little pony. I mean, he really could be a pony, after all, since all of our adventures are apparently fueled by a combination of the power of friendship and methamphetamine.

"Giddyap, lil' Osu! There's no way we're throwing in the towel right now! I'll destroy all our dreams before I bend the knee to that man! We're gonna ride this thing to victory, or death! But mainly death!" I cry, and slice the tiny veins that hold Osu and I back from our meeting with destiny. We're about to launch ourselves into the history books from a slingshot made of viscera, and I'm fine with it.

Cue the heroic music, you bastards!