A Letter From a Bear Named Yogi [Letter]

[Oishi Shichimenchou]

The following letter was delivered to the Hidden Cloud Village by courier turkey.

To the relevant authorities of the Village Hidden in the Sand,

My name is Yogi and I wish to officially inquire on the following:

• Who is the present Kazekage?
• Who was the Kazekage before that?
• Can I just get a list of Kazekages arranged chronologically? The present year is the eight. A year is the amount of time it takes for our planet to rotate the hot ball of gas in the sky. Year zero, or our epoch, marks the date when we all woke up and went, "I should get a calendar".
• Why is the sky blue?
• Why does a village need a Kage?
• Why does the plot thicken? Is it a soup metaphor?
  
  Please reply to the below address. Attached is, if the turkey did not eat it, adequate postage and a chocolate bar.
  
  Thank you for your time,
  Yogi
  
  Postmarked September, Year Eight​
  
  908 Precipitation Street
  Hidden Leaf Village

The chocolate bar was still attached and uneaten.

 

[Takaki Saeko]

Dear Yogi:

I'm answering this letter in the capacity of my station as Tax Assessor of the Kumogakure Deathwatch. "We Crush Young Dreams" is our motto and we intend to stick by it. Actually, our real motto is more like: "Reading is for Fa**ots" because no one else wanted to handle this and I get all the correspondence crap dumped on my desk on a regular basis. About the courier himself... I made an excellent seasonal turkey pai-tan ramen recently and I hope you enjoy the following recipe. This assumes you have a turkey carcass available that's been mostly stripped of meat because of "Kill The Natives Day."

Start by blackening onions, garlic, and ginger in the bottom of a big pot. And when I say blacken, I mean godrotting Shinbatsu-colored on all sides before adding my turkey bones and drumsticks (briefly blanched and rinsed to rid them of excess minerals and blood that can darken the broth), and some carefully chosen aromatics: scallions and leeks (because you can beat people with leeks), and mushrooms to bring out the meatiness of the turkey.

Fish the drumsticks out of the pot after a few hours when they're tender enough to shred.

The absolute key to a good pai-tan broth is the Surrender-Monkey style, which is a low, slow simmer as opposed to a high short boil. Do this for 6-8 hours. Do something else during this time: shitpost on the interwebs, do some dishes, fap, whatever.

You end up with a rich, dark brown turkey stock that's loaded with turkey flavor and as creamy and rich as Akira Saito's chocolate salty balls. If it's too much for you, you can temper the richness with some sesame paste (use affluent white people tahini, not chinese tahini marked as "salad dressing") and miso paste. Don't boil the broth while adding miso or I will shit down your neck.

Add browned turkey meat, scallions, and premade ramen noodles available at any asian foods store. You can also add a soft-boiled egg marinated in miso if you're a pervert like me. Ra-yu chili oil and char-siu pork prepared with a motherfucking blowtorch are tasty additions.

The courier and I both agreed, the soup was delicious and would definitely have again.

In response to your questions:

1. We have no Kazekage. That's for the sand people. They have curved swords. CURVED. SWORDS. Instead, we have a Raikage, who happens to be Hayata "Lobster Crusher" Shin, impregnator of a million men and women, glory to his name, Khagan of the East and etc etc. You get the idea.
2. Kagetsu Kiyo, ie "JFK"
3. I'll forward you a copy of our historical guidebook, "Raikages of Kumogakure" for your references, but you may already have a copy.
4. Because of Rayleigh Scattering. Slaine din' do nuffin'.
5. Good question. Mainly we need someone in charge so we can blame him for affordable healthcare and social programs.
6. I think something gets lost these days with all of the emphasis on the hyper-propulsive narrative that most YA fiction seems to demand. Are we really saying that young readers cannot handle in-depth character studies like the ones presented by Dostoevsky or just enjoy a series of interesting events in history like the entirety of War and Peace? I mean, in W&P they talk about Hussars trying a cop to a fuckin' BEAR.

That goddamn turkey, I knew he ate the chocolate. Asshole claimed up and down that it "wasn't company policy" to deliver food.

Fondest regards,

Takaki Saeko, Year 8

Kumogakure Revenue Service
Dragon Tooth Pass, Eye of Krom, Balls of Seth
Hidden Cloud

 

[Oishi Shichimenchou]

The turkey licked her lips. That had sure been a swell meal that she had been treated to! She made a mental note to volunteer to make all future trips to the Hidden Cloud Village. She was curious why her owner had sent her to Cloud instead of, well, Sand but it ended up being for the best. As the turkey became to make its way out of the village and towards home her head was filled with questions.

Why would someone 'shitpost' on the interwebs? What was the interwebs? Was it a community of spiders? Why were readers unwilling to read character-driven stories? Why didn't the plot ever thin? Did this bow make me look fat? Do things ever get better? Can a duck and a turkey ever fall in love? If a turkey and a duck fall in a love and have children, should they elect the species of their children or should they be progressive and allow them to decide the matter for themselves?

Whether these questions would ever be answered was up in the air.

B Rank. 2 Hours for Travel.

 

[Oishi Shichimenchou]

The following letter was delivered via courier turkey.

Dear Takaki Saeko,

Would you believe me that I was Hayata Shin in my past life? Tell me. What sort of person was I in my past life? I fear I don't remember much of the details. When you die and reapply for admission to the world of the living they erase most of your memories. Something something about it being unfair for you to remember your past lives because you might want to get revenge on who killed you. Or worse.

I think that is what happens at least. I don't remember. It probably isn't a good idea for you to erase someone's memory of why they got their memory erased. It just causes them to want to regain their memories, unaware of why they willingly lost them to begin with. When they do regain their memories they go - "OH I SEE WHY I LOST MY MEMORIES." And then they either try to erase their memories again, go on a killing spree, or go to a buffet.

But yeah. Can you send a photo of my past life? I want to see if I was handsome. I totally was, wasn't I? I bet I was drop dead gorgeous.

Oh, and don't tell myself that I'm asking for a photo of my past life. I'm sure I'd only freak out and go like, "But I'm not dead yet! How can I be someone's past life?" And it just gets confusing trying to explain things at that point you know?

With the utmost respect,
Oishi Yogi of the Leaf Village
Formerly Raikage Hayata Shin

Postmarked September, Year Eight​

908 Precipitation Street
Hidden Leaf Village

 

[Takaki Saeko]

Dear Yogi:

As crazy as it may sound, I completely believe your account of being the Raikage Hayata Shin in your past life. While His Lobsterness the Khan of Subprime Loans is still ticking (or so I've been told by the powers that be), recent advances in Karmatron Dynamics have shown that it is entirely possible to have been Hayata Shin in the past. Do you have a taste for flan? If so, then you may be one of the millions affected. If this has caused you to experience symptoms such as acne, tinnitus, lumbago, or a propensity to compulsively argue with family members on your cell in a crowded area with no escape for others, then I invite you to join a class-action lawsuit against His Holiness Siddhartha Gautama who is responsible for the whole thing. If this suit is successful we anticipate you will receive a check in the mail for the sum of: $12.57 after lawyer and processing fees.

That being said, the whole "losing my memory" thing is so overdone from literature to erotic fanfic that it's gone from a mere cliche to taking on a satirical life of its own as a plot device. What I want to see on my manuscript wish list is a story where the main characters lose their memories and decide "fuckit, let's go to Applebees," only to learn critical lessons about nihilism. There's also this often-pasted greentext that goes around in response to a "write an anime plot" where the male protagonist likes the female protagonist in high school. One day, the guy receives a phone call from the girl in which she essentially confesses to him, but when he elatedly tries to discuss this with her the next day, she has no idea what he's talking about. It turns out that the call he received as from the female protag in an alternate dimension who likes her dimension's male counterpart who has little interest in her. Somehow they come to realize this and form a cross-dimensional pact with each other to get their dimension's love interest to fall in love based on secret intel about each other from the alternate dimension. This starts to work to great effect, but soon our prime dimension male protag starts to fall for the alternate dimension female protag and vice versa, leading them to question the nature of LOVE.

I mean, this pasta has been around for a while, but I actually kind of want to see it made or written. One can only dream. I realize the latter pitch had little to do with memory loss, but hey, long discussions like this while under the influence of psychadelics are how college maggots grow up to be beautiful bloatflies in later life.

As far as a picture of your past life:

Spoiler

You were a classy motherfucker, Yogi, and far ahead of your time. You were the hero we needed, and not the one we deserved.

Sincerely,

Takaki Saeko,
Kumogakure Death Wish
Piano Movers Extraordinaire!

Formerly President Obama. Thanks, Obama.

 

[Oishi Shichimenchou]

The turkey read over the mail. He had been hoping to read juicy gossip and oh boy did he read some juicy gossip. Apparently his owner Yogi had been one handsome devil in his past life. An especially awesome and radical dude, if the turkey were honest to itself. It was a shame that he was a naked ape instead of a turkey. The things the turkey would do if that were the case. After satisfying himself the turkey repackaged the letter and began its journey to the village hidden in the leaves. He would have to share the news with everyone else.

B Rank. 2 Hours. Heading home yo.