Here Comes Trouble! [Open/Requesting Entrance]

[Shiri]

It was a beautiful day outside, a bit foggy for some tastes though.

The atmosphere at the gates was one of relative calm; nothing had exploded recently, and although visibility was less-than-ideal the watchtowers were confident that any attempt at sneaking past the gate's checkpoint would be promptly caught and punished. Just another routine day, it would seem (and if any guards had expressed that sentiment aloud, they should have known better, and may be held liable when their day inevitably gets disturbed by some eccentric crackpot traveler looking to have some fun at Kumogakure's expense).

Finally after a rather dull early shift, at around 11 AM something caught the guards attention: a set of ancient, near unused rails sparked to life, a protective coat of chakra clearing them of debris as a shape came into view. A powerful lamp shone through the late morning mist as the figure of a small armored trolley approached the gates. If not instructed to stop the trolley would continue as far as the rail would let it, right up to within a dozen yards of the gate's opening.

The vehicle looked fairly plain, but was obviously well maintained, and large enough to hold several passengers comfortably (or maybe a dozen if they didn't mind feeling like packed meat). As the trolley came to a stop, the guards responsible for this shift would no doubt have to find some way of figuring out what the blazes was going on. Was a visitor expected? Did someone misplace an arrival schedule? Did some merchant just decide to play a prank on Kumogakure (a thousand curses to them if they did)?

Well, the trolley seemed to be going through some sort of post-transit procedure before allowing it's passengers to disembark, so it was up to the professional guardians of the Hidden Cloud to decide whether to wait for their guests to disembark, or approach the train and demand answers.

 

[Takaki Saeko]

"You should blow it up," I say to the skittish ANBU corporal standing next to me. "Those are definitely ayylmaos on that contraption. Illegal ayylmaos."

He fumbles with his binoculars and tries, in vain, to pretend he didn't hear me say anything.

"Nuke it from orbit. It's the only way to be sure," I say through a clenched jaw. If I smoked cigars, I'd definitely have a stogie crunching around between my molars.

"We don't just kill everything we see without asking questions first," the corporal says, his voice full of flinch.

I give him an incredulous glare. "What in Jesus Saito's hairy ballsack are they diddling your brains with in the Sileo these days? You Anboobs are supposed to be stone-cold killers who cream their pants at the thought of gutting fools. Who the hell needs to ask questions?"

"Actually, I'm a pacifist," the ANBU says.

"Right. Next, you'll claim to be a vegan."

"I'm a vegan, too."

I shake my head slowly. This is all Ayumu's fault. Only a derpy idiot-king would fill the village's corps of murderers with vegan pacifists. But to be stuck on guard duty at the gates with one of these tumblr-tier gluten-munchers is a fitting punishment, for sure.

Not long after I reported myself to jail--you know, for endangering national security, kidnapping the Raikage's kid, disgracing my boss, and getting The Donald knocked on his ass--they kicked me out. Jail space, apparently, is a valuable resource only spent on the truly rehab-worthy. The rest of us reprobates get gate duty as our punishment. I'm not even sure what my rank is anymore, or if I'm still the Sennin's Hand, or hell, if I'm allowed to own guns anymore (they'll pry 'em from my cold, dead hands). All I know is that I am gate-bitch again for a while, along with Rainbow Moonbeam, ANBU corporal third class.

"Do you have any cigs?" I ask my hapless companion.

"Cigarette smoking is bad for your health. It causes lung cancer, and also supports the patriarchy."

I can't handle this anymore. I shoot Rainbow Moonbeam a look of disdain and decide to take matters into my own hands. If these people aboard the fancy train think they can waltz into Kumo without a visa and put a taco truck on every corner... Mmm, tacos, I think to myself all of a sudden, and realize that I'm actually super-hungry, now that I can't smell hippy body odor constantly. In front of me, the train's main car starts to open, amid hissing steam that reminds me of so many Star Wars remakes. Well, those and porno films.

"Halt! In the name of the Raikage Yumoomoo and Chancellor Donado of Oranji, identify yourselves!" I announce. "More importantly, do you have any liquids over three ounces to declare?"

 

[Shiri]

Saeko was right to worry, one day the dreaded alien threat would no doubt take over all of Lightning with their tacos and rule with an iron fist ushering in a reign of unprecedented evil (evil and tacos? Never heard that one before).

But today was not that day.

As the rear door of the armored transport deployed into a makeshift ramp for the vehicle's passengers, an all too familiar voice with a subdued Kaminari accent just barely muddled by some telltale Tenouzan vocal quirks came from within:

"It's always the same with you, junior; shoot, shoot, shoot some more, and when everyone's dead try and ask a few questions. I'm telling you, it doesn't work." Pontiff Yamauchi 'Gods-help-us-all' Shuu playfully quipped at Saeko as she casually pranced into the (somewhat underwhelming, given the weather and all) light of day, arm outstretched and holding a bottle of what Saeko might recognize as a rather well-regarded ale brewed exclusively in a small monastery in South Kaminari "Ya' wan't one, Saeko-san?" Shuu asked, most likely not caring as to whether drinking on the job was considered professional for gate duty.

The once-teenage pontiff seemed to have survived the time since their last meeting fairly well, all things considered. Her gaze was as playful as ever, and somehow despite the company she kept she had managed to avoid any easily noticeable permanent scars. The one sign of stress on the young high priestess was a prominent white skunk stripe on the left side of her hair. Her dress was less 'get a funny reaction out of the Kumo-nin' and more 'properly represent the dignity and reverence of the Pontiff's Court' this time, a simple white robe and a crimson hooded cloak with golden runes embroidered on the edges (although how any hood could hope to contain Shuu's hip-length hime cut is a riddle for the ages).

After waiting to gauge Saeko's reaction to her peace offering there was an additional, unintentional silence. As if Shuu was waiting for something that was, annoyingly, not happening on cue. "It is good to see a familiar face." Shuu idly said, trying to fill the gap with some degree of idle chitchat. Eventually even a high priestess' patience wears thin, however. Shuu turned back to the armored trolley, apparently addressing someone still within; "Shiri-tan, mind telling me why I got out of the car first? What if Saeko-san here tried to shoot me? What if we had to deal with that annoying stick again?" Shuu quipped into the trolley, despite a mild tone of annoyance it was obvious that in the absence of real danger Shuu was more teasing than genuinely angry with her cohort.

"Sorry, Shuu-chan! He's resisting!" a firm, yet submissive voice replied.

"Then you have my blessing to KNOCK HIM ON HIS ASS!" Shuu said, not even having to think about it at all.

After a loud thud, some muffled shouting (that sounded an awful lot like cursing) and another loud thud another figure emerged from the trolley; a young woman, in her late teens from the looks of it, with a fair complexion and dressed in a royal blue tuxedo with matching hat and a black cape, at her hip was the scabbard to a long and thin sword and hoisted over her shoulders, amazingly, was what appeared to be a maniacal caricature of a man...

... oh, it's him again.

As the bound and gagged inquisitor was set down in front of Saeko, the tuxedo-clad bodyguard (presumably named Shiri) explained the situation in a professional, calm manner; "As per the orders of Her Excellency Yamauchi Shuu of Tenouza, Inquisitor Kirei is to be delivered to one Takaki Saeko of Kumogakure; at which point Takaki-san is entitled to one unarmed strike to be delivered to the inquisitor, preferably aimed at the groin, with the level of force to be at Takaki-san's discretion. Once the strike is delivered, all hostilities between the Inquisitor and Takaki-san must cease until Her Excellency deems that the inquisitor, quote, 'has misbehaved again'."

It was a good thing that Kirei was restrained right now, he was trying VERY hard to protest his situation in words that would no doubt manage to offend everyone present in one way or another.

 

[Takaki Saeko]

When I hear that voice I get one of those sensations best-described as electricity shooting from my piss-hole to the top of my head, and then back out the pisser again. You typically feel it when first realizing things like: it's your first day of work and you're already several hours late for your shift; you're at the public library enjoying the climactic scene from your favorite eroge but the earbuds aren't actually plugged in like you thought they were; the Pope wants to shake your hand, but a few minutes ago you just took the world's largest dump and thought "I'll just skip washing this time. Not like anyone important's gonna approach me for any reason."

Actually, considering that the Popess in front of me probably gave me some kind of hepatitis, I wouldn't feel terrible about giving her some salmonella in return. My past has an annoying way of always coming to visit me again, and today's no exception. The last time I was this close to Yamauchi Shuu--Bishop of Tenouza, Vicar of the Allfather, Aegis of the Faith, Opener of Jars, episcopus summa dei domina benedictus something something--I was about a pube-hair away from death being filled up with her healing blood. I guess she'd felt bad about sending Chiquita and I on a suicide mission to root out evil within her own organization. Next time, just hire some consultants from Morgan Stanley or something.

"Why couldn't you have just given me beer last time, instead of Hep C?" I say, swiping the bottle from her. "I had to endure a lot of expensive treatments and Pamela Anderson jokes because of that, you know. No one believes you when you say you got it from sucking down the Pope's body fluids..." I undo the wire basket holding the cork on and pop it open, then take a swig of fine Trappist ale. "So, Your Holiness, mind telling me why the Allfather's representative on Earth is visiting Kumo? I'll tell you right now: if you're here to recruit our famous virgin sennin as a nun, you're a little too late: she hooked up with a guy. We were up to our ankles in spaghetti for a week because of that. Even now, we're still dredging semolina out of the plumbing."

From within, I can hear rustling and the sounds of a struggle. The Pontifex Maximus--actually, Maxima--abruptly storms back into the train and starts berating what I presume to be her guard. I mean, she has a point there: usually the rest of the diplomatic entourage disembarks first, just in case there's a hostile reception on the other end. More sounds of struggle, including cursing and thumping. Since I'm so close to the train, I don't want Rainbow Moonbeam to actually call in a strike, so I try my best to be conciliatory. "Okay, just chill everyone! There's no need for ecclesiastical violence. I mean, premarital sex is only a venial sin, not a mortal one--Jesus Saito!"

I immediately skitter back like a crazed woman when I see him. Archbishop Kotomine Kirei, who's tried to kill me no less than twice already, and who famously resists being killed in return. Now, there are plenty of morally suspect immortal abominations walking the earth right now--Kitsune, I'm looking at you--but this one has always given me the willies. "Ew! Ew ew ew ew ew!" I stutter and hold my fingers to make a cross, while Kirei glares at me hatefully.

Holding his leash like some sort of autismo-dominatrix is a young woman who I presume to be Popess Shuu's bodyguard or retainer of some sort. You can tell she lies somewhere far right of "the spectrum" by how her eyes can't seem to make contact with mine, and how she's got her monologue perfectly memorized and without a single note of deviation. Despite it all, however, she's kind of cute. I wonder if she's the type who self-flagellates with a Hello Kitty scourge, or ornaments her hairshirt with lace. It almost takes my mind off the sheer ridiculousness of what she, actually The Popess, is offering.

"Wait, what?" I let out a nervous chuckle. "You're saying I can knee him in the balls for free, right now? And that afterwards we have to shake hands and make up?"

I swear I see a vein engorge and pulsate out the Morse Code for "fuck you" on Kirei's forehead. God, it's tempting. It really is. I let out a ragged breath.

"It's...it's a lovely offer, Your Holiness," I say, finally. "I have to hand it to you, you really know how to make a girl feel special. But...I have to decline. I'm still a representative of Kumo, and probably the Hand of our now-not-virginal Sennin. So if I took a swipe at his nuts, it's like Yuii-sama's doing the same. You see, my boss was the only one who gave me a chance when others wouldn't. I love her, and because of that, I can't bring her yet more trouble. So you can unbind him, provided he doesn't try anything while he's here. I hope that you didn't come all this way just to give me this chance. Tell me that's not actually why you're here?"

Kirei either chews through or loosens his gag right about now. "Blasphemous mother harlot of the seventh layer of Hell! I swear on the Holy Fukuin that I shall spike thee from arse to mouth with mine blazing iron till thine womb explodes with damnable filth and--"

My foot crashes between his legs and his monologue of damnation turns into a high-pitched whine as he crumples over into a drooling mess. I guess abominations still "feel" like us.

"Jesus Saito nailed to a stick!" I blaspheme. "I really wanted to avoid shaming Yuii-sama, but...argh! My hips moved on their own!"

The day's already starting well.

 

[Shiri]

Shiri was never the type for flagellation; she found the practice rather distasteful and all too often centered in spiritual hubris rather than proper piety...

... although, if instructed to do it anyway, she would most certainly use a scourge decorated with a pink fluffy unicorn, and do it with as straight a face as possible.

The tuxedo-clad knightess let out a small smirk as Kirei received his just desserts, serves him right for not knowing when to keep his mouth shut. Despite having been friends with Shuu for some time now Shiri still couldn't understand why Reverend Kirei was allowed to hold his position; sure, he was a great asset and could fight like a demon of war, but did he really have to be Archbishop of the Inquisition to do that? His manners (or lack thereof) were definitely less than desirable for a leader, and quite frankly some days he was just as monstrous as the beings they fought... actually, that might be it- having a half insane beast of a man as leader of the Inquisition might scare Inquisitors straight, lest they become the unfortunate targets of their deranged leader. As past events during Pontiff Nakahara and Pontiff Kiyoshi's reigns could attest, the Inquisition had an unfortunate tendency to stray into extremism when not closely monitored.

"I guess that takes care of that..." Shiri mused over Kirei's now broken and sobbing form, while also making a mental note that nut shots actually worked surprisingly well despite how divorced Kirei was from his original humanity.

"Well, you know what they say, Saeko-san; the hips don't lie." Shuu teased playfully before setting herself into a more serious tone, giving all present a short chance to prepare for the impending wall of purple text.

"As amusing as it would have been to come all this way to see your reaction to getting a free shot at the Archbishop of the Inquisition, I'm afraid it's politics." Shuu began to explain with a heavy sigh, "As you no doubt are painfully aware, Tenouza isn't what is was back when my... back when my father was still alive. The people as a whole are still loyal to their ideals, but there has been a growing faction that's been taking a rather dark and bloody path- using the message of love and salvation to justify barbaric behavior. Human nature being what it is, I'm more disappointed than surprised." Shuu took a deep breath before continuing, "One group in particular, the Ordo Malleus, witch hunters, has started actively working to subvert my authority in the Church. At first I thought I could reason with them, but that ended up working about as well as you'd expect. While many of the Tenouza's Knights and the Nemoto clan itself would side with me if a civil war broke out, the Ordo Malleus has gained control of several key positions in the Tenouzan Senate, and has even convinced some of my Cardinals to turn traitor. As you know, the situation outside Tenouza is even worse; the witch hunters practically run the cathedrals in the empire." Shuu's gaze dropped to the floor, despite her relatively composed and controlled posture and tone, it was obvious that she was not taking the stresses of her office well. "And even though there is still a strong loyalist presence in Tenouza, the political influence of my enemies means I still have reason to be wary; I could very well be assassinated before my allies could react, which would give the Ordo exactly the opportunity they need to replace me with some incompetent or insane crackpot that would let them go completely unopposed."

... wait, that's it? Well, that wasn't so bad. Not the worst exposition. Didn't even take up a whole page.
"So, in summary, and a bit of a tee-el-dee-arr; Tenouza isn't safe for me anymore. And I'd like to request asylum in Kumogakure." Shuu explained "Of course, I'm not asking for a handout. I'll buy a house or rent an apartment just like any other Jo who wants a livelihood. As for my bodyguard, we can discuss the specifics with one of your leaders... she is a C-Rating on the International Standard Chakra User Scale, and has a rather proficient familiarity with wea-"

Shuu was interrupted by a quiet, but still noticeable fwip as well as some growled swearing from Kirei: no one was quite sure when she had drawn it, but Shiri was holding a silenced wind-bolter in her hands, and Kirei now had a distinctly silver bullet shaped hole in his right shoulder. "He disrespected a representative of an allied military. I felt the punishment appropriate. Forgot to ask. My bad." Shiri said, somewhat defensively.


"Isn't she just a sweetie?" Shuu practically giggled out.

[793 WC]
[Marked]

 

[Takaki Saeko]

Hold the phone. I mean, hold the headset! My jaw drops a few inches. Is Yamauchi Shuu--Pontifex Domina Maxima, Daughter of Isamu, Finder of Lost Keys, Premium Unleaded Only, and Bearer of a Gorillion Titles--seriously asking us for asylum like any other grungy commie-bloc exile washing up on Miami Beach on a shit-barge made of duct-taped soda bottles?

"A-a-a-asylum?" I blather. "You mean you're, like, a ref-you-gee now?" My hands flap and I start to do a bit of a panic dance. Our protocol on refugees is simple: an immediate nuclear (jutsu) strike on all asylum-seekers at the border. It's the only way to be sure. Archbishop Kirei, after all, is emblematic of the sort of criminal scum we wish to keep out of our great nation.

But on the other hand, the Popess and I have a bit of a history together. In fact, she might have even saved my life once (that, and maybe given me an embarrassing disease). I can't just kick her to the curb when she's allegedly at her most vulnerable and needs my help. What's the ethical thing to do here? I weigh my options carefully.

"Ah...in that case, Your Holiness, I need to ask you to, uh, stay right here while I contact the appropriate customs officials within the Deathwatch, and then of course you'll need to be medically screened, and then be subject to a financial assets test, and then..."

Yep. That's my solution. Instead of personally bearing the guilt for telling her to fuck off and die, I'll shift the blame to "the system!" If I could pat myself on the back, I would, but I don't have the right bloodline for that.

The sound of a silenced bolter-shot whips me out of my low-grade-evil reverie. "Yow!" I complain and clap my hands over my ears. "You know, this isn't a movie! Silencers don't actually make guns silent! Wait..." I glace over at Kirei, whose rotator cuff lies in bloody little pieces on the dirt behind his exit wound. "Why'd you shoot him, anyway?"

As Dame Monotone gives her explanation, I feel an unwelcome tingling in my chest. It's not the signal for an early heart attack, but something more ominous: I think I'm starting to like this busty autist. It's not an easy feat to try and cow Archbishop Kirei in the first place, and doubly difficult when you have to live and work in close proximity to him. So if this bodyguard's willing to plug him on my behalf, that means she's either a complete wack-job, or she's a serious sweetheart. Or both.

"She....she is," I reply to Shuu, kind of breathless. I cast my gaze downwards and swallow. I don't want to look either of them in the eyes when I say this. "Hey, look, Your Holiness, I'm sorry. I have to come clean with you. Um, the truth is that getting asylum in Kumo is impossible. We're supposed to either drive you off with the 'Big Fifty' mounted on the walls, or break you through endless meaningless paperwork and meetings that are always delayed or put off, while bleeding you for money until your wallet is as empty as your will to live. You kind of have to be a celebrity to really get in good with the...wait. Holy shit! You're the Popess of Tenouza! You are a celebrity! Even if you're on the B- or C-list! That changes everything!"

I turn and shout out to Corporal Rainbow Moonshine. "Open the gates! Get me on the line with Sennin Yuii! We've got a celebrity and her entourage here!"

With a smile on my face, I turn to Shuu. "Jesus Saito, that was a close one. Come in, all of you! Even fuckin' Kirei, since I have to be 'nice' to him now. We'll get you set up with meeting my boss, and process your temp visas at once. I'll start the paperwork right now, and..." I realize that I never asked for my new crush's name. I poke her in the arm. "I know these two well enough, but I don't think we've met. Call me Saeko-ane, since I'm older than you, probably. What's your name?"

[Entry granted, history made]

 

[Shiri]

Kirei was most likely about to voice his objections to the current situation, but Shuu decided to cut that diversion off before it could run away with anything. "I get the feeling that it'll be a while before Archbishop Kirei is fully comfortable with this place. Maybe it would be best if he returned to his duties in Tenouza." and with that, Kirei crawled back into the dark corner he came from; he seemed grateful to be rid of this company, if his willingness to throw the travel bags containing Shuu and Shiri's belongings out of the transport without so much as a request from them was any indication... or maybe they were just taking up his favorite brooding and planning-to-kill-heretics space.

"Only a B-lister at most, eh? I know humility is supposed to be my thing and all, but I almost feel like being offended." Shuu quipped in a somewhat joking manner.

When Saeko addressed Shiri directly, there was something of an awkward pause; as if Shiri's mind needed time to adjust from the previous encounter to being directly talked to. But after a few awkward-yet-endearingly-innocent blinks, Shiri finally built up the nerve to be a proper decent human being and introduce herself; "Takaki-ani..." her voice seemed more natural and expressive than before, but it was still painfully obvious that she wasn't very confident when it came to social matters- "I'm Knight-Ensign Shiri, uhm, from the Makana clan. It's a pleasure to meet you, Takaki-ani. I hope we can work together." impressively enough, despite stumbling on her words every so often Shiri managed the entire greeting without either staring off into space, or glaring into Saeko's eyes like an animal challenging a competitor. Oh yes, this was certainly the beginning of a beautiful, mentally whacked relationship.

As the party headed for the gates, the transport closed it's door and started to make it's way back to Tenouza, as the trolley cautiously coasted out of sight, a certain switch finally triggered in Her Holiness' ever-so-derpy mind:

"Wait... you... did you say hepatitis? Were you being serious?" Shuu said, the Chuunin and Knightess could clearly see what color there was in Shuu's skin was quickly fading as a mentally-induced shill ran down her spine. "We're really going to need to get me looked at, and I might want to lay off the blood magic until further notice." Shuu blurted out, her tone suggested she was trying to play it off casually, but her body language made it painfully obvious that she was not taking the realization well.

[Village Entered, will head directly to Torre Celeste or Aesculapium based on Saeko's discretion or lack thereof]

 

[Takaki Saeko]

"Whoa. Kirei's not gonna stay?" My grin stretches from ear to ear. I probably look like a Cheshire Cat right now as I wave at the man. "Bye, you shitty bum! Don't come back any time now!"

"And Takaki is my father," I admonish Shiri. "My name is Saeko. Like 'psycho' but pronounced with more class." I don't want to tell her how cute she's being right now since I'm pretty sure girls liking girl is a sin in her religion. Then again, if I show her I'm a total reprobate, then maybe she'll want to come over to my place to try'n show me the light or something, and then I'll have her where I want her. That is, cooking together in the kitchen. We're gonna make all sorts of jams and pickles together, and vats and vats of vinegar.

The Popess, however, looks like she's just come down with indigestion. "What's wrong, Your Holiness? You have to crap?" After I hear what she has to say, however, things become clearer. "Oh, right! Well, if it's any consolation, you have many years before things really start to go south and you wake up one day with your eyes glowing neon yellow. If I were you, I'd get your immigration status fixed first. That'll allow you to go see a real specialist in Raiden's Eye." I whisper the rest in her ear: "I mean, don't tell her I told you this, but I'd avoid going to Shinrya Kitsune. She insisted I have like ten pelvic exams first before we talked about my liver, and I think she just did that to drive the bill higher."