If Osu is Ross and Kouin is Joey, then is Komora Chandler? [Osu, Kou, Komoraaaa]

[Takaki Saeko]

~So no one told you life was gonna be this way,
Your job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's D.O.A.
It's like you're always stuck in second gear
When it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year, but
I'll be there for you~

I half-assedly aim the remote and mash on random buttons to turn the TV off, mainly because I don't know any better since the president of Lightning National University said women are bad at math and shit. The station switches from the cheesy lyrics of Kaminari no Kuni's most popular sitcom opening, to a commercial for spray-on hair, to that Billy Mays AV (amazing what they can do with CGI these days), to Sharia Street (muppets teaching kids how to read and write, only with beheadings), to finally, blessed silence. Unlike most people, I can't actually do work with someone selling me hair in the background or the sounds of someone getting stoned for apostasy while cheery jingles play on. I actually need more or less complete silence, or I get too distracted and end up doing badly at math and shit.

You see, I've gotten myself into a dilemma that I need to think through. I may have secured that position as Sennin's Hand and gotten that sweet pay raise, but with the promotion came a whole host of new problems. The first and foremost of which is that I can't afford the rent for my new apartment. Upon getting my raise, I may or may not have immediately packed up all my meager possessions and moved Kouin and I to the trendy West End of the Seki District. You know, the place with the multi-million-yen-per-month apartments that only rich Chinese investors can actually afford. But the problem is that the West End is also the coolest motherfucking place to be when you're young and cooler than Jesus Saito. I mean, it's got art communes and coffee shops and ethnic food and nightly poetry slams! One can live the dream, which is to be a vacuous hipster engaged in the most hardcore of slacktivism.

So if I want to continue to pretend to be a young Bohemian (and not move back to the actual ghetto), I've got to make concessions. Concessions like interviewing and hiring roommates. That's right--finding roommates isn't just a simple "oh, you're cool, come live with me" affair. It's actually serious godrotting business. It's not enough to just make rent every month. With the wrong types of roommates, one's life can quickly fall apart, not to mention what happens when some of them stop chipping in for rent, as well. So Kouin and I have got to make a series of careful decisions, where one wrong move could spell doom.

I've plastered the neighborhood with want-ads and posted in Shinobi's List. I've screened out the obvious crazies (gave Isaki Kushin a firm "no") and answered a few inquiries, and now I'm ready to conduct interviews. Today, I'm going to try to keep an open mind and not pre-judge based on appearances. As I said before, selecting the right roommate goes far beyond simple ability to pay the rent every month.

 

[Osuteno]

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On the grounds of the Chigokai Clan a door was slammed Osu's face. All his medical books and other possessions, mostly clothes far too small for him now, were packed in trunks and were on the doorstep with him. Osu looked over to the old butler standing beside the trunks.

"It seems... That you are no longer considered a member of the clan's fourth house young master Osuteno."

Osu sighed, "That honestly went better than I expected. I wasn't physically thrown off the clan grounds and I did get my stuff after all."

The butler shook his head, "You are such a good lad too. I would try bringing this up with the clan head but..."

"No. This is probably for the best. As a male member of a main house I am expected to participate in a political marriage and not do anything that dishonors the clan. Going missing for a few years and bringing home a pregnant wife should have probably ended up much worse."

The butler nodded.

There was silence between them for a minute before the butler spoke up. "Still, there is no reason to send you off so rudely after all you have been through. If it is alright with you I will keep your possessions in my quarters until you find a new residence. I will deliver them with haste when you send me an address. Also... Congratulations. I wish you a happy life with your wife."

Osu departed from the grounds and headed to a nearby cafe where Chiai was finishing her piece of cake. She smiled and waved him over which stung a bit as Osu strained a smile. Chiai's smile drooped when she saw Osu's expression.

"It didn't go well?"

Osu smirked a bit more honestly, "Oh goodness no. It was quite terrible in fact. But far better than I expected."

Chiai relaxed with a heavy breath, "You had me worried there for a second. So you got your old clothes?"

Osu nodded, "Almost every last kimono, dress, and party outfit by the number of chests, not even mentioning some of the accessories. The cloth in a single chest is worth more than a year's wages and there are four. Some articles we won't be able to sell at all or at least not easily because they bear the Chigokai mark or I had modifications for combat made, but I know quite a few of the tailors around here who would be willing to take most off our hands. At selling prices... I can safely support our little family for two years even without my former position."

Osu paid for the cake and the two began walking through the Seki District. Osu began thinking of places they could afford to live which were nowhere around here.

"Say Osu, how safe is this neighborhood?"

"Practically the safest place in Kumogakure not counting inside the Torre Celeste's emergency shelters. A child could run through in the middle of the night alone safely and should even expect a member of the shinobi police to stop them and escort them home before their third step. But we can't afford to live anywhere around here. The market district..."

But Chiai cut him off, "What if we shared a place with other people?"

"It depends on the place but for one of the cheaper ones maybe splitting the rent.. two... three ways would be better... we could afford it if we knew I still had my job. But we are having a child and we would have to find people who not only don't mind that but we wouldn't mind raising a child around."

"Yes but isn't it also true that kids raised in this area are not only safer but are more likely to be successful?"

"Well yes statistically that is true but the correlation isn't taking into account that the... wait how do you know that?"

"I read this Seki Life magazine I found while waiting on you. Anyway look I found a flier!"

"You can't just expect to find a place that easily..." As Osu looked at the flier you could tell that if he wore glasses he would be adjusting them right now. The flier didn't name exactly who it was looking for a roommate but there was something about the narcissistic and sarcastic tone of the page filled with unreasonable expectations that made him sure he knew who made it. He checked the address on it.

"Follow me," Osu said suddenly and began marching off in the direction the address listed, though at a pace he knew Chiai was used to.

"Ohh! You look so reliable right now! It's a good change. So Mr. Take Charge, you have an idea?" Chiai skipped up to his side and marched proudly with him and taking the opportunity to take her wrapped up halberd back from him without Osu really noticing.

"Mrs. Take Charge wants to raise a kid here and the heavens have shown me a path!"

"Yay Praise Jashin!"

Osu stopped suddenly and looked around at the people who were starting to look before quickly took Chiai by the arm and lead her away from sight while explaining yet again to try not to yell Jashin in public.
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Osu and Chiai marched confidently through the halls of a very nice building and came to the advertised room. Osu walked right past a few people who had already shown up and went straight to the door.

"Hey! You need to wait your tur-" The man was silenced when Chiai's halberd, though still wrapped in cloth, was swung and stopped millimeters from the speaker's face and a shock wave knocked down a few paintings and people in the hallway. There were even a few screams.

"Be quiet, he is really hot right now," Chiai said as she watched Osu entered the apartment without knocking and followed after him. It didn't take more than a moment for Osu to find and recognize exactly who he was expecting.

He called out to her as he strode quickly to the seat in front of her. "Saeko! Long time no see, it is good to see you after all this time. Yes it is me, Osu. Yes, I know I was pronounced dead at sea, there were cultists. This is my wife Chiai and sorry for not scheduling an appointment but we want the room." He punctuated his rather quick explanation by seating Chiai like a motherfucking gentleman and placing his hands on her shoulders.

Chiai was more than enjoying this crazy burst of confidence Osu was displaying. She really, REALLY wanted to just grab him and... but no he said they weren't going to spar again until after the baby was born. But Jashin above she just wanted to have a bloody and beautiful fight with him right now. She would just have to settle for mounting him later, she decided as she looked up at him while biting into the cloth covering the blade of her massive halberd.

Osu was mostly relieved that it really was Saeko or this would have been incredibly embarrassing.

 

[Takaki Saeko]

"And, what do you currently do for a living, Hanma Yuujiro-san?" I ask the mountain of pristinely-chiseled flesh sitting in front of me. He's just under two-hundred centimeters tall, weighs more than 300 pounds, and every muscle rippling on his body is hypertrophied to the point of parody--in other words, even his face has abs.

"I wander the earth seeking out the strongest of beasts and martial artists in order to fight and murder them. I am the only individual to have a peace treaty with the nation of Murrikania, and made their president, Jorge W Bush, work as my personal chauffeur as part of the bargain. I also faced off against a reanimated cannibal caveman named 'Pickle,' who molested Tyrannosaurs for fun. That was a good fight, though I'm still not satisfied."

I don't even blink. After about ten interviews today, I've pretty much heard it all. "Ah, so why do you want to share an apartment in Kumogakure, then?"

"I have heard that a certain mutated sentient Kiwi-bird named 'Karl' lives nearby. It is my utmost wish to fight him or die trying."

"Oh! And when are you planning to fight Saito-san?"

"Tomorrow."

I shake my head. "I'm very sorry, Hanma-san, We're looking for someone who can commit to at least a year, so I don't think it'll work out."

"Well, thanks for the chance," he says, tips his hat (I think it's made of the flesh of one of the kings of Hell or something), and leaves.

I wave cheerfully to his mountainous back, though in reality I'm not feeling so cheery. Of the applicants I've talked with today, no one fits the bill. Most are broke or crushed by mountains of debt and can't even cover the security deposit. Some are literal registered supervillains, which breaks the terms of my lease (The one named Harley was really, really nice and pretty, too--maybe I'll call her and we can hang out, later). There was a princess who wanted to bring her dire wolf along, and the apartment doesn't allow pets over a certain size. One of them was a nice young man who'd gotten in one little fight, when his mom got scared, and told him that he was moving in with his auntie and uncle in Kumogakure. The problem was that he'd gotten the wrong address and his folks picked him up soon after we'd started talking. More concerning, I'm reaching the end of the pile of interviewees.

As I look up to grab the next folder from the stack of applications, I hear a commotion outside. Screams, even. That hasn't been unusual for today. I yawn and prepare to be underwhelmed by the next face to walk through the door, when all of a sudden my life gets flipped-turned upside down.

"Holy shit! The Vampire Lestat?" I bolt from my seat in surprise. "I'm like your biggest fan! Thank you, Baby Jashin! Dude, please take me now!" I say, and claw my collar open in a frenzy. After all, I am a child of the nineties, when Anne Rice was still (sort of) sane and her vampire chronicles gave all the boys and girls guilty boners. I'm about to break out the knives (for sweet, sweet loving), when I realize that the young man in front of me isn't actually my favorite necrophage-turned-musician, but rather, Osuteno.

I stop dead in my tracks. "Wait a sec... You're...you're...Osu? Chigokai Osuteno? Is that really you?" I turn a deep red and hastily button up my blouse. "Oh crap! Sorry... Sorry about that. I mean, I should've known it was you, but you've grown so tall and your intro picture is three-hundred-percent gothic edgelord, so... What the hell am I saying? I haven't seen you in years! How have you been? Where the fuck have you been? We all thought you were deader than Mariah Carey's career after New Years! I thought you'd never give me your V-card, you little bastard!"

Only now do I notice the cute goth-loli archetype standing next to him, halberd in hand and with a copy of 'Real Shinobi' magazine in the other. "Easy Dinner for two, plus Foetus!" reads the cover story. I look at her, then look at Osuteno, then look back at her. As a woman, I can tell things that men can't. Like who's bumping uglies with who. I turn back to Osu and my face goes pale. "Uh...you wanna introduce me to your waifu or what?"

 

[Osuteno]

The proud feeling Chiai was feeling for her husband's rare outburst of confidence went cold in the same breath that the confidence fled Osu's body and the blood drained from his face which is impressive since he was mostly blood these days.

Osu's eyes seemed to plead with Saeko as she started rushing forward with a string of suggestive actions but thankfully she realized who he was and started buttoning her blouse again. Oh thank goodness he might be able to recover from this he began to think as Saeko began apologizing, though he was keenly aware the cloth that had covered Chiai's halberd was now tossed a bit across the room. Saeko rambled on a bit which was fine, and he was about to begin answering her questions when she said, "I thought you'd never give me your V-card, you little bastard!" Jesus Saito's sweaty jock strap.

It was at this time that Osu saw Saeko notice Chiai. Yes, now you notice you fool! She looked at Osu, then back to Chiai. He could see the gears turning in Saeko's mind. Though he couldn't see her face he noticed a distinct change in Chiai's blood pressure. Saeko's face had lost its own color as she returned her gaze to Osu, only fractionally aware of the danger she had unleashed. Osu was starting to break out into a minor sweat as his fingers slightly loosened their grip on Chiai's shoulders, but didn't dare let go. He stared with fearful eyes straight in Saeko's. Why in Raiden's name did he think this was a good idea?

Chiai was having a bit of a conundrum. Things had been going so well you see. Osu asked her to marry him, she was carrying his child, he started wearing the clothes she made for him so people would stop mistaking them for a lesbian couple when they went places, he brought her back to his village where they were planning on raising a beautiful family together with plenty of space for brawls and agreeable weapon laws, he was doing his best to support them and she could tell he really cared about her and all of a sudden he seemed to have a plan to raise their child in the best part of town based off a random flier she picked up.

He had suddenly become so confident it had been fantastic to see but now... Oh when did she use the blade of her halberd to pull Osu's head closer to her own. "Now I am rather curious as to why you were so sure you could get into this apartment, darling. You didn't mention you knew who lived here." She looked Saeko in the eyes before continuing the blade of her halberd drawing a sliver of blood from Osu's neck as she pulled him closer into her back while her free hand was placed on top of one of his in a loving gesture. She had a lovely smile as she stared down Saeko. "But please allow me to introduce myself since I seem to be the odd one out. My name is Chiai, Chigokai Chiai I suppose it would be these days since Osu and I got married a couple months ago. Still not quite used to having a family name. Speaking of family Osu and I are expecting a child here in around seven months, and we were excited to learn there was someone looking for a roommate in such a nice and safe part of town."

The fear Osu felt drowned out the pain which was probably very evident on his face as he began to speak. "That is right we..." Suddenly the blade began entering Osu's neck far more than would be comfortable for a normal person before stopping a bit in, silencing Osu again and his hands began shaking fiercely. Well one of them did. The other was slowly being crushed in Chiai's loving grip giving the appearance of fingers being broken. Thank goodness he didn't have bones anymore.

"Sorry what my husband means to say is that it would be ideal to raise a child in this area, though even with his pay it would be improbable to rent an apartment entirely on our own, it is such a nice area you know. How lucky is it that an... associate of his is seeking roommates! You will have to tell me more about how well you and the father of my child know each other sometime. You seem... intimate?" Though Osu more than aware Chiai didn't know how to use ninjutsu he couldn't help but wonder if she had perhaps used something of the ice element. She sounded warm and cheerful enough and she was smiling so brightly. So why did it feel so cold and dark?

 

[Takaki Saeko]

Osu's picked himself a winner, and for once, I'm not being facetious. Chigokai Chiai comes from a bad background: that much is obvious. She's an unregulated bush mage who by a multitude of indicators was probably raised and trained by an outlawed cult or terrorist group. Her docket's probably got multiple warrants issued by everyone from the local magistrate of Bumfuck, Tennessee, to the director of the Bakufuu Security Agency himself. If she ever sees the inside of a tribunal, I give the judge about ten seconds before he sentences her to death by drawing, quartering, and burning. She's also got no education, no useful skills, no reputable connections, and on top of it all she's pregnant. But at the same time, it's obvious that she's got her head screwed on straight when it comes to dealing with Osuteno. When your man's spilling spaghetti all over the place, as a woman you have two choices: let him fail, or step in and cut him. The former leads to a messy divorce in five years. The latter leads to your kid being accepted to Lightning National on a full scholarship before being thrown out for alcoholism. Chiai is gonna raise her little boozehound well.

"Chiai, is it?" I say with a smile. "I'm Takaki Saeko. Call me Saeko, though. And congratulations! Holy shit! Can I see the ring? He did get you a ring, right?"

I shoot a glare at Osuteno. "Osu...you'd better not have gotten her a cubic zirconium, or proposed to her with some shitty thing made of braided clovers, or I swear to Jesus Saito..."

"Anyway, Chiai--can I call you by the first name?--I've known your husband since he was, like, a first-year resident. We did a mission together where we got in a bit of trouble--oh, nothing serious, just involved being fugitives and bathing together in a whorehouse and breaking into federal supermax--and since then we've kept in touch. Except for those years where he was apparently dead, but if he's back and married and stuff, then I take it he didn't just have a silly boating accident!"

I look at Osu again. "Hah, if I didn't know any better, I'd say you got...kidnapped by cultists, found out your dad was actually Satan, got AIDS--and by that I mean Acquired Intravascular Demonic Symbiosis--and then had to escape from your crazy mother's clutches! But that would be too insane, so I'm guessing you found a nice girl and decided to take an unregulated sabbatical."

As much as I'd like to keep on pressing Osuteno and his new wife for details, however, time is a wasting, and this apartment's not getting any more affordable. "Anyway! I take it you're interested in the apartment? I'd love to have you as roommates. Here's the deets: we've got four rooms total with two bathrooms, and rent is twenty-thousand yen a month including utilities. I hold the lease, and there's another occupant, Kouin--who's late, by the way, but he's the ANBU Sennin because he killed the last dude who occupied the position. The way it stands, I can comfortably contribute about five thousand a month. Kouin keeps the gravity on, which I understand is super expensive, so he just chips in for groceries instead of paying a regular amount. Have you ever experienced what it's like to get your gravity cut off? It's a shitshow. If you two sign up, then I think with one more roomie, we'll be financially set. So, uh, what do you think? Can I show you around?"

I whisper in Osu's ear: "You do still work as a doctor, right?"

 

[Osuteno]

Chiai regarded Saeko for a mintue as she explained a bit about how they knew each other. The mention of a whorehouse began to set her wrist to twist which Osu could feel every movement of from her halberd but then she stopped. First-year resident? When she met him wasn't he already..?

"Osu how old were you again when this occurred?"

"Nine, Chiai." Simple answers fast. He knew what she wanted. Finally Chiai began to relax and her halberd began to remove itself from Osu's neck... that was until Saeko continued.

At the mention of kidnapping by cultists Chiai's outward smile broke in nervousness for a brief moment. Osu was having a string of disbelieving facial expressions through it all, but he honestly wasn't important right now. Not when the adults were speaking. What Osu also happened to notice though if that the blade was entering his neck again but this time his head being removed was only an unfortunate necessity in Chiai's heart and the blade was actually being positioned to strike at Saeko's neck. If this woman in front of them somehow knew she were a former Jashinist sect member that could endanger... but then Saeko mentioned how ridiculous that story would be and left Chiai not too sure about the woman. Osu mostly just wished Chiai would stop digging around in his neck and remove the blade one way or another so he could start piecing himself back together. He could remove his head sure, but being cut was still as painful as it was supposed to be.

Chiai judged Saeko and the situation for a moment more before deciding that Saeko understood Chiai's territory at least. She removed the halberd from Osu's neck which finally could work on fixing the damage and brought the weapon in front of her as if she were an old fashioned housewife holding a broom.

"Well no he didn't get me a ring actually, we talked about it but those things break all too easily when you punch something. Actually..." Chiai blushed a bit. "Did you know that Osuteno is in the habit of collecting blood after battle and turning it into a stone? He does it because he is a bit of a neat freak about all the blood he throws everywhere but it turns out..." Chiai pulled a dark red stone cut fashionably on the end of a chain set in silver. "Well this goof kept the blood from the first time we met as children back when he was ten and I had just turned eleven. It was a beautiful snowy mountainside forest and we clashed for several minutes creating quite the scene. I won that little spar, and we shared our first kiss at the time." Chiai looked a strange mixture of smug and embarrassed as if the story were a whole lot more sweet than it was to Osu in her mind. He had been stopping her from killing the locals after all, before she proceeded to beat the lightsout of him and took that kiss she mentioned as a prize. He had originally kept the blood separate as a reminder of that humiliation. "Plus I have learned that as long as you have something like someone's blood you can find ninjutsu users capable of tracking them down with it." Chiai did appreciate the sentimental side of the item immensely but she really wanted it for its practicality as well.

"But yes we are very interested in the apartment. We can safely budget ten-thousand a month towards rent but if there are any size differences in the rooms we will need the largest as we will both be in there with a baby before long and I need uninterrupted access to one of the bathrooms. Osu will share it with me of course, he doesn't need to lock the door with me. Oh sweetie you got a bit of blood on our future carpet a bit ago, you should clean it up." Chiai then turned her back towards them to take a good look at the apartment imagining a tiny Osu of her own crawling through the space. "Yes i want to see more..." Suddenly with her back still turned towards them Chiai's halberd swung back over her shoulder placing itself as a firm border between Saeko's lips and Osu's ear (just because she was fairly sure that Saeko understood who Osu belonged to didn't mean a few more subtle hints would hurt)... meaning the blade now occupied a space previously possessed by Osu's shoulder and his arm was now on the floor squirming around. A noise of sorts came from Osu though it was mostly at a pitch that would only bother Inuzuka much. "... of the apartment. Osu make sure you clean up that blood as well. You can be so absent minded at times my dear husband, letting your arm fall off."

Osu was in more than a little pain as he bent down to reconnect his arm and pull out a scroll to store the blood, but he somehow understood that for what he felt was no fault of his own he was walking on thin ice. Placing what he assumed was the necessary space Chiai wished for him to establish between himself and Saeko, Osu answered her in a clear voice so Chiai would be privy to their conversation. "While my employment at the hospital hasn't been cleared up we have already established with Ayumu-Sama the details of my absence so there are no worries of me being considered a missing, and even if there are some issues with my employment I have more than enough savings to keep us secure for a couple years and reestablish myself." Chiai nodded at the answer, giving it perfect marks. The more actions like that that became habitual the less she had to worry about some bitch forcing herself on Osu while Chiai wasn't watching. He was far too much of a pushover and pretty to boot. Goodness he was really pretty, especially since she got him into something aside from yukata. She may not have learned much useful as a housewife in her sect but goodness she could get black and leather around that boy. If they were going to look like a lesbian couple when they went places at the very least other women could still feel jealous of her, Jashin damn them. She felt a bit smug at how quickly this Saeko was throwing herself at her husband before even realizing who he was. Goodness she was feeling...

"Let's look at the kitchen first. I am a bit parched and I am wanting to expand on my cooking skills so I want to know what I am working with. I want to hear your opinions about the neighbors and neighborhood itself. You can also tell me a bit about this Kouin while we move on to check the bedroom and bathroom. Do you know him as well dear?" Osu very much indeed knew him as well but their last meeting had not been a pleasant one. He looked at Saeko and almost whispered the question but immediately thought better of it, choosing rather to ask the question in a low key fashion.

"Yes I know him rather well. He is a good man. How has he been since Suna, Saeko? I remember he wasn't feeling very well at the time." Understatements abound he remembered that he had been particularly upset with Saeko herself so the living situation was curious to say the least.

 

[Takaki Saeko]

One, two! One, two! And through and through the vorpal blade went snicker-snack!

"Osu, dude! Sign the lease before you splash your AIDSy blood all over the carpet!" I exclaim with a chuckle, and give the young man a friendly slap on the back. If you're surprised at my lack of abject terror at Osuteno's dismemberment, remember that my roommate is the same guy who I saw tear a woman to pieces back in Suna. Among the people I hang out with on the regular, losing body parts is like a blowjob or a handshake: doesn't mean much.

The important thing here is that Chiai is convinced that she and her husband (who'd have thought Osuteno, of all people, would get hitched before I did?) can foot at least half the current monthly rent. That's a hell of a lot better than I expected anyone to do, and thus her demands for constant use of at least one of the bathrooms are pretty reasonable. After all, who wants to deal with pregnant woman farts? So, as long as Kouin keeps paying for the gravity, we might even be able to nix the need for another roommate, with some creative accounting. Hah! I can't believe I got Kouin to actually foot that bill! It must be in the tens of thousands of yen a month! What a sucker!

~I am so smart! I am so smart!
S! M! R! T!
I mean, S! M! A! R! T!~

I realize, with a quick blush, that I'm hopping and humming audibly. Jesus Saito, I hope neither of them noticed my little greedy celebration. "Ah! Yes, where was I. Sure, let's go to the kitchen..." I quickly sidle up to Chiai and take her through. One of the benefits of having a nicer apartment is that using the kitchen doesn't feel like trying to worm your way around a submarine. "Well, it's no Maison Shinrya, but the place has a decent amount of cabinet space, and I have a bunch of equipment for baking! Also, as a new mom, you'll need extra wiggle room for the baby bulge, I hear."

Next, I take her to the larger bedroom, which has already been furnished with a basic bed-and-dresser set, and a small television which is busy showing reruns of Sharia Street. Right now, the Caliph is teaching kids how to count. "Vun Infidel killed! Two infidels killed! Three infidels killed! Praise Jashin! That's three infidels killed!" he says as he beheads orange-jumpsuited, blindfolded prisoners with his glinting saber. Blood spurts from their sundered carotids and splashes the cheering children in the audience.

"Oh man, this brings back memories," I remark to Chiai. "Little me learned most of the Alphabet from Burqa Bird and Mr. Jihadilupagus. I wonder if those characters are still around," I say with a shrug. "But anyway, this is the largest room. Good for two plus a little tyke, huh?"

While Chiai pokes around, I stop to chat more with Osu. "Yeah, Kouin's been kind of scarce since we saw him in Suna. I mean, I feel bad about what happened to him, but we've never really gotten to talk much about it. I suppose he's busy being ANBU Sennin and stuff. I just hope a huge rift hasn't formed between us two. We're family, after all. Hell, he was supposed to join this thread, but if he doesn't, then...well, I'm the primary leaseholder, and I can decide who to recruit or not. Anyway, regardless of what you guys decide, I'm happy to see you back, at least! Actually, I'm a bit relieved you've tied the knot, since I have a boyfriend now and honestly, neither of us are into the whole cucking thing. Now I can be your kids' alcoholic auntie whacked out on Quaaludes! Sounds hella fun, right?"

The TV reminds us that this episode is sponsored by the Number "3." Blood for the blood god!

 

[Osuteno]

Osu began doing the math in his head for expenses down the road while Chiai looked excitedly around what would be their new bedroom. They would be fine for a good year at least but he definitely needed his job to hope beyond that with the baby. Raiden above this was really happening... to be comfortable he would either need to get a raise or work more hours than he really wanted to... He needed to go back and further specialize in cardiology. Not only was it something he was very suited for, the pay was much better... The more civilian operations he did...

Chiai was examining the show on the screen and smiled warmly when she thought about a Chibi-Osu sitting in her lap and counting along with the killings on the screen. That warm feeling continued down into her stomach... wait a damn... Chiai suddenly burst out of the room at full ninja speed and was inside the nearest restroom retching in a moment.

Well that doesn't sound good Osu thought to himself as he followed after Chiai. "We will take this bathroom Saeko, I will sign in a bit." Osu closed the door behind him and began helping Chiai along and using strategically medical chakra to sooth her stomach just a bit. There were lots of studies on the use of medical jutsu on pregnant women and honestly while alright in small doses few doctors would recommend heavy interference unless it were an emergency. The thing that concerned Osu was that Chiai's morning sickness was hitting much harder than it should have, and this wasn't the first time. Aside from simply checking about his job he really wanted to get Chiai checked up though until they straightend out her citizenship he would have to go under the... Wait a second.

While his body continued to gently calm his wife's stomach his head and his arm made their way out of the bathroom. While the arm went to the kitchen to find some saltines or pretzels (Chiai typically asked for some) Osu's head went back to ask Saeko a quick question. "Saeko, you wouldn't happen to have any dry salty things would you? I'm currently searching from the left cab... oh nevermind I found some crackers, I hope you don't mind... You've worked in administration right? Do you think you could help me... speed up Chiai's citizenship... like through her background check... and get her attached to my benefits and help me re-register for my benefits since I'm not dead?" He wasn't absolutely sure there were any, but perhaps Saeko might be able to help him get certain records of Chiai's past overlooked. Osu had a few seconds before a faint cry of "Ossssuuuu" weakly came from the bathroom and he had to go back and help her sit down somewhere. Goodness it was his first day back and so much was happening. Was he always this productive? Regardless there was still plenty more to do... Maybe... he would be able to just sneak in a few tests on Chiai if he took her with him to the hospital... Just to be safe.

[Topic ending either here or with the next Saeko post][Edit added a bit to make what Osu was asking a bit more clear lel]

 

[Takaki Saeko]

There's an old saying: if you puke or poop in a place, you've bought it. Of course, that doesn't really apply in real life--I'd own more than a handful of bars and restaurants, a few apartments and houses, Kitsune's manor, and Ayumu's office if that were the case. But I still can't help but feel elated when Chiai bolts to the can, followed by her dutiful husbando who sees that he has no choice but to subsidize our grand hipster adventure called trendy city living. Besides, maybe I want to see if it's actually as horrible as they say to raise a newborn, because my biological clock is starting to tick. Babies aren't looking so much like foul, bile-spewing creatures from Jashin anymore, and that worries me deeply.

"Delighted to help out!" I say, while he rummages through the kitchen and plunders the Wheatabix. "Hell, you two can just move in right now as far as I'm concerned."

Before he has to go to her side again, I give him my most loving of headpats. "Osu, you've kind of a dumbass, but you made a smart choice just this once. I'm proud of you, bwah."

Yes, bwah.

[TL]