Pacing his room of his office he would find himself looking around paperwork, trying to fixate himself on a chance to reconsider his wrongs. So much had happened in his life, and here another lonely night would be all he could show for it. He fell back into a position of Sennin... but a position that seemed to be more for show than anything. He was respected, but what did it matter if he couldnt make any real changes. Tamashii sat down under the light of a candle pondering everything, he didnt know where to go or where to turn. And he couldnt reach out for help, because for so long he had to be the strong one, he couldnt shake the emotion of being strong in the light of everything. Since Umashi had come back, everything changed... Tamashii knew the fairy tale of his life wouldnt end in happiness. Everyone he loved died or left him. Even his sister to an extent, but he forgave her. He, however, did not forgive himself... and at every turn his life seemed to shove the fact that he was alone in his face. Akumi had her work and her youth, she would find someone... Yomi had Umashi... Takeshi was married to the wonderful Yuki. The Sun had the Moon. The Stars had Each other paired off in constellations for the galaxies to see them glimmering in happiness as they shined down upon this world. How small they all were, how feeble the mind seemed to be to believe that they would be alone in this world...
Tamashii couldnt take it... the thoughts of everything running rampant through his mind. In the enclosed space of his brain he became claustrophobic, suffocating in his own mind and drowning in his loneliness. To which he turned to the bottle to escape it. And poisons mixed to forget the world he was in, to be happy again. To feel the emotions of euphoria again... To feel love as he did when Hakuren was still here with him. He could still feel her breath on his neck as they would grow closer to one another, even living with one another, but never being truly intimate. How he loved how simple she looked but beautiful all the same. It was like something out of a picture book he read about beautiful damsels... but he had failed his damsel. And she was no longer with him.
Taking another drink, Tamashii scribbled down as the tears seemed endlessly streaming from his face. 'Leave it all for Akumi... she will never want for anything.' nodding he would continue writing as he took another pill from the bottle given to him by Mikasa, she knew he was beaten down emotionally, and the medicine made it bearable, but Umashi's presence hurt him more and more as he saw him happy with his children. Wife by his side. And he had no chance of achieving the one thing that fleeted many shinobi. Something that seemed so close within Tamashii's grasp. So close, so near... he could taste it.
Holding unto everything, Tamashii continued to write, everything pouring out of him into the world around him, the heat of his chakra enveloping the room, but cooling down as he breathed. He couldnt keep this world that he loved so much, but hated all the same. He hated the time that he spent helping, but loved that the time he spent helping people led to growth. He loved that he was able to shake Jashin's will, but he was haunted by the demons that remained. Taunting him. He had to shut it all off, and as he continued taking the antidepressants, 'Who cares if one more shinobi dies... In a village of so many...', his hands grew shaky, and his heart continued to pump causing beads of sweat to drip from his head down below. The shaking couldnt stop, it prevented him from finishing his paper... no one would be here for the remainder of the night... but it didnt matter. Stardust laced in the bottle, alcohol itself was too much to take, but everything together stopped him...
Attempting to move himself, to get up, to prevent his body from shutting itself down, he fell to the floor as more sweat and tears fell to the floor. 'I dont want to die... I dont... I just want the pain to stop... p-..pl..plea-...' and his mind would slowly slip away from him. Rampant thoughts of anguish and detriment, but the whites of his eyes stirred. He wanted to be freed... and now he would be'd be free. Not in a way or manner that he wanted but... this was his last light.
Finally, it was done... and in his mind he would drift away as a smile would be the last expression left by Tama... finally free.
[spoilername="Dream Sequence"]And with his mind slowly drifting to the other side, Tamashii would be seen walking through a field of flowers. Daisies, roses, violets galore, and at the end of it all was a small picnic site with a woman standing there facing away, but she seemed to be wearing a shrine maiden's cloth and with short obsidian hair Tamashii's eyes would smile as his lips curled up.
"What took you so long?
"I'm sorry for making you wait... I held on for so long... but I missed you so much..."
"You did? It didnt seem like it... It seemed like you never loved me at all..."
"Wha-..What do you mean? I loved you from the m-"
Looking down now Tamashii would see the flowers were dried up... weeds of their former glory, and now... looking back up to Hakuren...
"I'm sorry for making you wait... I held on for so long... but I missed you so much..."
"You did? It didnt seem like it... It seemed like you never loved me at all..."
"Wha-..What do you mean? I loved you from the m-"
Looking down now Tamashii would see the flowers were dried up... weeds of their former glory, and now... looking back up to Hakuren...
Alas... the story of a man who could have been fabled had ended, and not every story can have a glorious ending.... can they?
[/spoilername][Tamashii Dead]
[Two and half a Letters Left behind will post those as requested]