The Pre-Owned Colossus [open]

[Takaki Saeko]

Not like the brazen giant of Greek fame,
With conquering limbs astride from land to land;
Here at our sea-washed, sunset gates shall stand
A mighty woman with a torch, whose flame
Is the imprisoned lightning, and her name
Mother of Exiles. From her beacon-hand
Glows world-wide welcome; her mild eyes command
The air-bridged harbor that twin cities frame...

--Emma Lazarus, 1883​

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And so it is; The bloodless revolution has finally come to pass, and, for the first time in many years, a proud female king sits atop the gilded throne of Kumogakure. I, Takaki Saeko, am now in command of the village. At my disposal is a collective shinobi force strong enough to obliterate the entire world on a whim, and unlike a certain pair of fools on Twitter, my "destroy everything" button is larger, and actually works.

Okay, okay. That was an exaggeration. In reality, I'm still just Yuii's Hand--Ayumu is still the raikage, and I'm not allowed into his office anymore when he's not there (look, I really, really needed to vomit that one time and his potted plants were right there). But, what I said earlier isn't entirely untrue! Ayumu, Yuii, Junko, and Kaji, the people ostensibly in charge of this tirefire-of-a-village, aren't here right now. In fact, they're not even in this country. They, plus a boatload of students, genin, and other slack-jawed locals, are in Tea Country. They're watching sweaty men and women beat each other up for fun and profit. So when the raikage and sennin are all away, leadership falls to me. That's kind of like if Trump and Pence both got horrible diarrhea and left Paul Ryan in charge. I...that wasn't actually funny, and I apologize for everything.

As I've discovered though, in my short tenure so far as grand poobah, is that being in charge isn't all it's cracked up to be. For example, I'm not allowed into Ayumu's office. So, I've had to set my desk and equipment up literally right outside his locked door in the hallway, and finding long enough extension cords to power everything is a real chore. My "space heater" is basically a trash can filled with rags that I keep at a low flame, and my "computer" is a cardboard pizza box that I had some staff layer with clear tape so it looks sort of like a screen and stuff. No one notices my badge of rank, so in order to make my place in the hierarchy very clear, I decided to fashion my own tiara out of foil. I've since glued costume-jewelry diamonds and googly-eyes to it because nothing says "authority" like googly eyes.

If you every listen to how much Yuii complains about her job, you'd think that the interim raikage (me) would be bogged down by paperwork and endless requests for petty bullshit, but so far it's been rather cushy--even boring! Few if any people have come trying to ask me for things, and I haven't had any paperwork requests since I've started. If someone comes to the end of the hallway looking for the interim raikage, I make sure to wave them over, but then they just avert their eyes and back away. I guess I just need to find that balance between "dickless pushover" and "unapproachable despot!"

Of course, being interim kage has perks, too. For instance, I have my own personal raikage's guard now! His name is Hameru Ren, and apparently he was assigned by Yumers to protect me with his life and stuff. Actually, the setup kind of reminds me of Kagetsu Kiyo and Yukimura Enishi, for some reason. Ren also gives me the vibe of a straight-edge guy looking to be corrupted, for example. Also, I have the inimitable Do Natsu who has found his niche in my government as my personal pastry-deliverer. Every morning I get a nice frosty donut and coffee for breakfast, and chicken tenders for lunch. Apparently, this is what Yumers likes. I mean, Jesus Saito--chicken tenders? They're tasty, though...

I set down the last of my tenders on its plate, put my feet up on my desk, and lean back to stare at nothing. Actually, this new position is pretty boring. Who am I kidding? I haven't spoken to anyone but Ren and Donuts for a week! No one wants me to do stuff! I'm going stir-crazy here!

I let out a horrible sigh. They say that you're alone at the top, but...this is almost enough to make me miss being at the bottom.

 

[Suzuki Setsu]

A grumpy kunoichi led Setsu into the Torre Celeste, she had been complaining about how difficult it was to administer a few experimental mutagenic substances to a ten year old child. Setsu didn’t really understand why she was upset, but had gathered that it was apparently his fault so he had been relatively quiet on the way over. The task that Setsu was being dragged along for was to get some paperwork approved for the use of some recently developed pharmaceuticals to support the development of Setsu’s chakra system. He had been falling behind compared to the other children, and some of the trainers at the academy had been frustrated by his lack of progress. This particular kunoichi got saddled with the job of bringing Setsu there and back again, and had only agreed because she would at least “get to see Raikage-sama’s hot bod.” Setsu didn’t see the point of him going along, but didn’t want to be punished with more, ‘if you can dodge X, you can dodge Y’ training.

Anxiety crept back into Setsu’s mind as the elevator took the pair higher and higher up the tower. He was not necessarily afraid of heights, but the glass bottomed elevator and the speed of their ascent gave him a slight sense of vertigo. Not to mention the morbid thought of what would happen if, for whatever reason, the bottom were to just not exist anymore. Though falling to my death might be preferable to what the Raikage might do to me if I anger him.

The scent of grease and sugar were the first things Setsu noticed as the elevator doors opened. Down the hallway someone sat at a desk that seemingly had been dragged from another office, if the scuff marks all over the floor were anything to go by. The contrast between this floor and the rest of the immaculate tower was stark indeed. Sitting, or rather, lounging at the desk was an extremely bored looking woman wearing a tin foil crown. Empty pizza boxes and styrofoam containers were stacked on the desk in various patterns to resemble, office equipment? Setsu wasn't sure. The nameless kunoichi escorting Setsu seemed to recognize the fast food kingpin situated in front of the office. “Ah crap, Raikage-sama is still in Tea,” she muttered under her breath.

There was a slight pause, and then the kunoichi slammed a few packets of paper into Setsu's chest and pushed him off the elevator, “Just get her to sign the papers, I got better things to do then babysit two people.” Then the doors slid shut leaving Setsu alone with the mystery woman. Ironically, Setsu was more relaxed now. The Raikage wasn't here, and this person couldn't be a shinobi. Every other proper ninja took great pride in their appearance and all wore the village headband, so therefore this tin-foiled woman surrounded in pizza boxes and half eaten chicken tenders must simply be a civilian trying her best to live in a realm of superhumans.

He approached the desk and held out the packets to the woman, a look of pity and understanding in his eyes, “Here you go, Secretary-san. I won't tell anyone about the junk food, honest. Actually, um, I think it's a good thing normal people like you exist,” because I can talk to you without worrying about being roasted alive, “so don't worry, I'm sure people will take you seriously soon enough.” Every word was meant sincerely, but also showcased the boy's ignorance of Cloud’s political infrastructure and leadership.

 

[Takaki Saeko]

Right now, my face looks like I've just sucked on the world's sourest lemon. Just a few moments ago I wallowed in my own pleasant ennui amidst the trappings of grand power--not just basic power, but grand power--only to have some brat barge in call me "Secretary-san." The worst part of it is that being a pure boy, he obviously thinks he's being genuinely...kind. If I'd held a cigarette in my fingers I'd have leaned over and put it out on his forehead, but instead all I have is this chicken tender. So I do the natural thing, which is to lean over and smush the bitten end on his forehead.

"Hey, Bumpkin Boy. You see this thing on my head? Do you know what it is?" As I tap on one of the tiara spikes, a googly eye detaches and falls to the floor. "This is the mark of office for the Acting Raikage of Cloud. In case you didn't know, Ayumu the Awkward is currently in Tea Country watching grown men in silk tights fighting over a purse. So are the three Sennin, so I've been put in charge of this...this..."

"Shithole!" bellows the Chancellor of Lightning Country, Donado of Oranji, as he strides down the hallway in his golden loincloth.

"Dammit, put some clothes on and go back to your room!" I shout at him as I bolt up from my chair. "I'll tell you when Yumers arrives!"

The chancellor harrumphs, turns around, and stomps off, leaving us all with a great view of his lardy, pudgy behind.

I slap my palm against my forehead, dislodging more fake precious stones from my tiara. Super glue really isn't as effective as they say. "Now, where was I? Oh yes, I was chastising you, Bumpkin Boy, for not realizing who you were talking to. I'll have you know that I am the most important and powerful person in this village right now, and I am definitely not normal! I alone prevent you plebians from being mooned every day by the Orange Catacylsm, who for some reason likes to spend most of his time in the village playing golf instead of doing his actual job. In other words," I slam my hand on the desk. "Respect. Mah. Authoritah."

With that out of my system, I sit back in my chair and lean forward, resting my chin on my interlaced fingers to give the little Bumpkin my best Gendo impression. "Now, state your business."

 

[Suzuki Setsu]

Setsu felt an odd sensation on his forehead, something warm yet soft and greasy. It took a moment to register what it was, A chicken...tender? Before the young boy could respond to the absurd treatment, the secretary began to berate Setsu. First the crown on her head was the symbol of her office, the Acting Raikage of Cloud. A-Acting Raikage? Setsu was confused, and the woman, clad in the trappings of her office began to explain her duties. While the village leadership was away, she was the one in charge. Setsu froze up, She’s that important?! I’m going to get incinerated for sure this time! But then a much larger target for the acting Raikage’s wrath appeared in the room.

It was an image that would give Setsu nightmares for weeks, an overweight man, well past his prime and girded in naught but a golden loincloth. His bluster and rage were great, but the Acting Raikage was able to turn him away with a single sharply-worded sentence. Setsu had found himself instinctively hiding behind the woman’s chair until the storm had passed. He hadn’t noticed with all the ruckus, but a few of the googly-eyes had affixed themselves to his hair as they fell from the Acting Raikage’s tin tiara. The was a pause as she refocused her sights on the student and let off another salvo of chastising remarks. If she was the sole bulwark between the village and that ostentatious orange, she was not only to be respected but feared. This fact was drilled into the boy with the emphasis placed on the last three words of her tirade.

Silence fell as the woman composed herself, placing both elbows on the desk and interlacing her fingers together before peering over them as if staring into Setsu's soul. “Now, state your business.” The cold, calculating manner in which the Acting Raikage spoke starkly contrasted with her earlier demeanor. Setsu truly understood his mistake, this person was definitely not normal. His eyes were watering heavily, but he couldn't cry here. He felt like that would be the tipping point in this situation, if he broke down here the woman would probably kill him.

“S-sorry for the disrespect, ma’am!” Setsu stuttered while stifling sobs, “I-I was told to get the Raikage’s approval for the disbensation of chakra coil acceler-, a-acceler-,” he fumbled the words and stumbled on the more difficult phrases. “I need medicine to be better, they said.” Setsu again held out the myriad packets of forms to the Acting Raikage. Upon perusal she would find release forms to allow the use of experimental medicinal compounds, reactants, and mutagens in an effort to jumpstart the development of Setsu’s flagging chakra system, as recommended by some of the more impatient Academy staff.

[WC: 462]
[MFT}

 

[Takaki Saeko]

I don't care if Ayumu's blue, Yuii's gray and Kaji too; Junko I don't care about you, but Setsu I'm in love...

Seeing the trembling boy cower before me is the most rewarding sensation I've felt all day. It beats morning coffee with a sour-glazed donut. It even beats reading the paper on the can while enjoying a relaxing--and above all, regular--elimination. Is this what true power feels like? What a real autocrat enjoys each and every single day? If this has all been squandered on the likes of Kogami Ayumu, then by God, I've got to kill the living shit out of him and take over as soon as humanly possible!

At this point I realize I'm inadvertently making bedroom eyes at the kid, so I immediately compose myself and take the papers he offers. In truth, I wasn't actually listening to him while writhing around and enjoying being groveled at--something about needing medicine to be better is all I understood. As I review the forms, though, the message becomes clearer. It's the typical Academy approach to a difficult-to-train boy who probably can't sit still and concentrate in the classroom: medicate him into compliance or death. Civilian kids get Ritalin and Adderall, but shinobi students get horrible shit like Greater Landshark Gonad Extract and Distillate of Elder Phoenix Sharts. Half the time they make you go crazy, and the other half of the time, you kind of die on the spot. I know it's probably necessary in many cases, but it's also part of why the Academy has such a high mortality rate.

I set the papers down and stare at the kid, tapping my fingers on the desk. He kind of looks like he's about to shart, himself. "So, what's the matter, Bumpkin Boy? Can't shoot laser beams from your orifices like the other children can? Always on the losing team for dodgeball? I remember when it was dodgewrench, and not dodgeball. If you can dodge a...nevermind." I let out a sigh. "Look. Ordinarily I'd just sign whatever they told me to so that they could stuff your face with Manticore Anal Gland Powder and Giant Glowing Gummy Bears That Scream And Beg For Mercy When You Bite Them. And ninety percent of the time you'd end up as a charred husk, by the way. But since you've shown me the proper respect, I'll be nice to you and let you in on a little secret: you don't need that crap. Mutagens are just a crutch. They can't replace things like good old fashioned hard work, introspection, and yes, even prayer. If you want to be a shinobi, you have to dream big, but you also have to look honestly at yourself in a mirror and admit that you have flaws, too. Then, you have to work on those flaws until your eyes bleed. Until you can do that each and every day, I won't sign these papers, because I, Takaki Saeko, Acting Raikage of Cloud, believe in you...whatever your name is."

I reach over and gently flick one of the googly eyes out of his hair. "That's the truth, kid. There are no shortcuts. Except one, but like, I shouldn't talk about it..."

Actually, I really hope he takes the bait, because another evil idea just popped into my head.

 

[Suzuki Setsu]

The young student cowered as he waited for the end to come. What was it going to be, he wondered, death by electrocution, drained of blood, sliced to ribbons. But in the end none of these things happened. He was just stared at for a hot minute. The expression on the woman’s face was inscrutable, yet somehow made Setsu feel very uncomfortable until she started looking through the forms. A few terribly silent moments passed while she read them. Will she decide I’m not even worth this much? I’ve got to show results or who knows what the Academy will do to me. The woman sighed as she began a lecture on the value of hard work. A lot of it went over the boy’s head, he didn’t know the exact names of every substance his instructors had wanted to test on him, but he did understand that these methods were definitely not safe. If they were, then a statistic like a ninety percent fatality rate wouldn’t exist. But hearing that even if he was one of the lucky ten percent to not die outright, that this method still wouldn’t do anything to boost his abilities was extremely depressing. Find my flaws, and then work on them? I hope I can do that before I’m killed. I need to be showing results now if the Academy is going to keep me around. It was nice that the Acting Raikage voiced her personal belief in him, but that alone wouldn’t help him display the talents that the teachers clearly wanted to see.

But then, this Takaki Saeko dangled an irresistible carrot. There was a quick way to power, or so the Acting Raikage hinted. It was an opportunity the desperate student couldn’t afford to refuse. He needed to start fulfilling expectations if he wanted to get his instructors off his case, or if he wanted to earn the right to leave the village. “There is a shortcut? Please tell me!” he begged Saeko, “I need to be useful if I want to stay alive and maybe see my parents again, and I don’t like being yelled at by all the teachers and I’m scared the other kids might bully me if I don’t show any powers. I’ll do whatever you ask, please help me.”

 

[Takaki Saeko]

“Whoawhoawhoa!” I recoil. The kid’s practically kowtowing on top of my desk right now. “Calm down, Bumpkin Boy! I just told you that there were no shortcuts in life! Except for… Oh yeah, I guess I did say that…”

I swivel around in my chair to face away from him, pretending to be consternated. In reality, it’s so I can break out into a stereotypical evil grin. If you want to be an effective leader, it’s important to give yourself an outlet for your emotions, even if you can’t show them in the boardroom! Only a few days in and I’ve already taken these sorts of parables to heart. No wonder I’m the one in charge now. I swivel back around before realizing my grin’s just gotten wider and more evil-looking.

“Oh! Whoops,” I say, quickly regaining my composure. “I had something in my teeth, you see! Chicken tenders are so stringy these days. I think it’s because of all the antibiotics and soy they put in everything. A vast conspiracy to feminize our boys and replace us with immigrants from Murrikania! You...you’re not a vegetarian, are you? I’ll have you know that Yukimura Enishi was a vegetarian, and look where that got him. How can you have any pudding if you don’t eat your meat?”

I pick up the folder of papers the boy’s brought me and unceremoniously drop them into my trash fire. I mean, space heater. Rather than feeding the flames, the sudden weight of it all just serves to extinguish everything and the hallway starts to fill with smoke. I stand, coughing, and offer the boy my hand. “Come with me if you want to live. I mean, literally, because we might die if we stay here any longer.”

Hand in hand, we traipse along to the elevator. Not the raikage’s personal elevator, but rather the service elevator, which smells of fry grease and pee. I’m really not sure where the pee smell comes from, but I have my suspicions. The car lurches downward at the push of a button, and we spend the next few minutes descending in awkward silence while listening to a sanitized, upbeat version of “Fuck the Police” (1988, Priority Records, Inc.) Finally, the car comes to a stop with a cheerful ping and we exit the Torre Celeste just in time to avoid scrutiny by the fire department.

I take the kid on a long, winding path from the government section to the residential section and then finally to the “scary abandoned mansion” section of town. There’s only one property there that has a legitimate deed logged in the records repository of Kumogakure, and that’s where we’ve ended up.

In front of a wrought iron gate, I stop and again regard the kid with a cocked eyebrow. Just how desperate is this idiot, anyway? Any sane, smart student would have long since gotten bored, scared, or distracted and would’ve run away by now. No one willingly accompanies a crazy lady in a foil tiara halfway across town to a scary mansion. Is he really as bad off as the papers made him look? If that’s the case, then chances are he’d have been dead a long time ago. So what’s his actual deal?

“Well, there’s someone we’re going to meet inside. I’ll warn you straight up that he’s kind of a bastard. In fact, he’s actually evil incarnate and likes to play games for people’s souls. No one’s ever beaten him at his game, either. If you want to turn back, now’s the time. Your onee-chan won’t even think badly of you,” I say, making a cute face.

 

[Suzuki Setsu]

Looking back at the situation, Setsu would later come to realize that the appropriate and sensible thing to have done was to run away. But the combination of stress from the village to perform better and the traumatizing appearance of a angry orange man made Setsu cling to the one person who had the means of dealing with both of those situations. He was so desperate to find a pillar of support Setsu explained away Saeko’s maniacal grins as an unfortunate facial tic. He nodded fervently at her tender explanation for her expression and shook it fiercely at her question about his possible vegetarian diet. The boy had never tried chicken tenders, as meat of any kind was scarce outside of the more populated areas of Lightning, so he had to take Takaki-sama at her word. As far as diet was concerned, Setsu’s had been primarily vegetables. Meat only came on rare occasions, due to its high price tag.

Setsu wasn't sure why this mattered, until Saeko mentioned that Yukimura Enishi was a vegetarian. The young student had heard of Enishi the Devil-King, who hadn’t. He had commanded an army of vile demons and sacrificed the souls of the his enemies to power his eldritch rituals. Maou Enishi and his cutthroat band of religious heretics and missing shinobi, the Kingslayers, sought to plunge the land into chaos as an offering to the dark powers. But they were stopped by the heroic actions of the Shogun and the Lightning military. At least that was what the newspaper headlines had said on the matter, strangely enough there was never any mention of Kumogakure or shinobi involvement outside of “limited tactical support.” But more importantly, Setsu resolved to try and eat more meat so he wouldn't become an evil demon-worshipping heretic.

But the acrid scent of smoke drove any further thoughts of press manipulation from Setsu's mind. Coughing, the boy took Saeko’s hand and let his savior lead him out of the tower. He didn’t question the greasy, soiled elevator. Smoke was filling the room and it made sense to get out quickly. When she deftly avoided the fire department, it must be because the woman simply didn’t want to get in their way, definitely not an attempt to avoid having the blame for the conflagration pinned on her. And as they headed away from the safe brightly lit areas, deeper into the seedier side of Kumo, Setsu never once asked where they were going, putting his complete trust in Saeko. They finally arrived at a house that matched the description of one that Setsu had only heard of in ghost stories told around harvestime. The Acting Raikage gave Setsu a quizzical stare, to which Setsu responded with a nervous smile that was full of trust and and innocence.

Takaki-sama then told the young student who they had come all the way out here to meet. However, Setsu at this point had decided that the Acting Raikage was just one of those people who spoke coarsely but was actually really nice. She had shouted and lectured at him but was now earnestly trying to help him improve. Obviously, even if she said this person was ‘actually evil incarnate’ and ‘likes to gamble for people’s souls’ it was probably hyperbole away. But even this shortcut seemed to have its perils, for Saeko even sweetly told him he could turn back if he didn’t feel up to it. I have to be brave, I can’t waste this chance. The Acting Raikage herself did this for me. “Takaki-sama, I’ll do it!” Setsu said only slightly shivering in fear.

[MFT]
[WC: 606]

 

[Takaki Saeko]

Ohhh, this kid is a junior heartbreaker and he doesn't even know it. I almost feel bad for introducing him to...well, we'll get into that.

"Mm. I'd ask you to say that again but then I'm not sure I'd resist the urge to just take you home with me!" I say, pinching his cheeks. There's no sweeter sound in any language than that of one's name with a "-sama" honorific attached to it, after all. But business is business, and I have to fulfill my obligations. We can't tarry here at the threshold to destruction--I mean, greatness--any longer.

Before I can reach out to open the gate, it swings open of its own accord, as if propelled by an invisible hand. The diabolical force, however, has apparently never heard of WD-40, so the whole thing creaks like a motherfucker. I take Setsu's hand again and usher him onto the mansion grounds. Weirdly enough, even though it's daytime, the closer we get to the front door, the darker and colder it gets around us. Pale light emanates from the frosted glass windows, along with shadows from flitting amorphous shapes cavorting within. Muffled, pulsating sounds thump from within, along with peals of dissonant laughter that thrum through the air. My foot brushes against a red Solo cup propped up on the wooden porch, and warm, stale beer sloshes against my shoes.

"Oh, for fuck's sake," I curse. and kick the cup aside completely. The front door bursts open, and two heavily-made-up men with glowing red eyes and small horns on their foreheads stumble out together and nearly plow into us with their bumbling. I notice they're wearing matching hoodies with three ancient Kumo characters emblazoned on them: Sigma Alpha Epsilon.

"It's totally lame in there," one of them slurs at me. "Come with us to the chapter house! The afterparty's there! It'll be real hot, I promise!"

"Whoa, whoa, dude!" the other one interjects. "You blind? She's got a kid, dude! She's just looking for daddy number two, dude! Don't be a cuck!"

I roll my eyes at the pair and push past them, dragging Setsu with me. Ugh. It's obvious what's happening here, and these never end well. As I step inside I'm greeted with the characteristic stench of an eldritch frat party: beer, vomit, brimstone, and weed. The door greeter, a ragged, stuffed figure with his head enveloped in a burlap sack, stops me and Setsu before we can progress. "Need your ID," it says with a clawed hand out.

"Acting Raikage of Cloud," I say, tapping my tiara. "Where's Ca'im? I need to talk to him."

"Oh," the corn man says. "Uh, he's busy upstairs. Said no one could go up there. I'll let you in, but like, I gotta mark your kid so no one serves him drinks. Admin's cracking down, you know." With that, he takes out a marker and inscribes an "X" on the back of Setsu's right hand.

The inside of the mansion's actually pretty cramped for how large it appears on the outside. Chaotically bad furniture placement and low-set ceiling fixtures give the place a claustrophobic bent, and the hundreds of dancing, twerking, and generally drunk-off-their-ass figures jam-packed inside don't help things at all. Plus, the hell dimension's take on trancecore fundamentally disagrees with my musical sensibilities. Did I tell you I hated frat parties? I bend down and nearly shout in Setsu's ear just to be heard.

"I'm gonna get the guy I told you about! You just stay right here and don't get in trouble!"

With that, I pat Setsu on the head and push my way through the crowd to get to the back, where I know the stairs are. A handful of otherworldly horrors try to grind on me from behind. I move on, knowing it's really a moot point to try and tell them to buzz off. After making my way through, now I stink of beer, vomit, sweat, and weed--and I haven't even had any fun yet! Regardless, there's a mission to do here. I make for the stairs.

"Whoa! Invitation only," says one of the glowy-eyed horned men nearby as he steps in front of me. He's wearing a hoodie with different characters on it: Phi Kappa Psi. "Can I get you a drink instead?" he asks.

"No, you damned pledge. I want to speak to Ca'im," I say with an eyeroll.

"Look, he's busy," the pledge-demon says, looking consternated. "Uh, are you a Tridelt? You look like a Tridelt."

I'm getting nowhere with him. "Hey," I say, and whisper in his ear. "Why don't you do this for me. Pass Ca'im a message and tell him that 'Saeko has a special present for you.' In exchange, I'll act like I like you for a little while, and it'll get you major cred with your pledge class."

The pledge-demon takes a moment to consider this, then nods enthusiastically. He runs upstairs, spends a few minutes there, then rushes back down. "I gave him the message. He says to wait for a few minutes, then bring you and the kid up. Did you bring a kid here?"

"I sure did. Help me find him and then we can make out for a bit in front of the succubus you have a crush on."

"Aw shucks, that's really nice of you!" the demon says, puffing his chest out.

"Don't mention it," I say. "Just help me find the kid, alright? He's really easy to spot. Average features, looks kinda poor, big eyes filled with innocent dreams, that kinda crap."

"Can we like, hold hands while we look?"

"Uh, sure," I say. Boys are always the same, no matter what species they may be.

 

[Suzuki Setsu]

Setsu was about to explain to Takaki-sama the reality that in truth he didn’t have a home. The dormitories were only a temporary abode until one passed the exams and then fledgling shinobi were to manage their own housing requirements. But before he could do so, the gates to the dilapidated edifice creaked open. Setsu was led inside by his benefactor and his senses were assaulted by a myriad of stimuli he had never experienced before. Two individuals who seemed to be wearing costumes exited the building. At least they had to be costumes, for no normal person would have horns and glowing eyes. One of them called out to Saeko, saying something about a chapter house and how the afterparty would be over there. So this is a party, must be a costume party. Setsu was kind of excited now, he had never been to a party before let alone a costume party. He glanced at Saeko’s crown, she had an outfit of sorts, but Setsu did not. I hope that doesn’t mean I’ll get thrown out.

The young student didn’t catch the rest of the two exiting partygoer’s conversation, as Saeko huffed irritably and dragged Setsu inside the building. This was probably for the best as it saved the Acting Raikage from having to explain the ignoble act of cuckolding to the boy. Upon entering, Setsu’s nose was assaulted by a cacophony of scents. Alcohol was mixed in there, Setsu had seen the town adults drink it quite frequently back home, but it never smelled so pungent. The other smells were a mystery to him, and he wasn’t sure he wanted to find out the answers to it. The pair were stopped by a man dressed like a scarecrow, who briefly conversed with Saeko. He couldn’t quite catch the name of the person she was taking him to see, some noise seemed to blot it out, giving the boy a slight headache as well. The next thing he knew, the man in the sack had bent down and grabbed Setsu’s right hand, quickly marking an “X” on it. Setsu flinched as his hand burned where the marker had touched it. Was that normal? Am I allergic? But the boy wasn’t given any time to consider this as Saeko once again whisked him forward.

The claustrophobic air and the hypnotic rhythms of the unfamiliar music weighed on Setsu’s mind just as much as the strange odors that permeated the building did. Setsu was having trouble thinking clearly. However, he had to push through this odd foggy feeling that was slowly settling in. This was probably part of that special shortcut Takaki-sama mentioned. The Acting Raikage patted him on the head and left, saying she’d be back with that guy she mentioned. Setsu was confused, What guy? Oh right, we’re here to meet someone. Setsu was having trouble remembering things. Maybe if he could just get some fresh air he’d been able to think clearly, but Takaki-sama had said not to move and to stay out of trouble.

***​

Had it been a few moments, or a few hours? Setsu couldn’t remember. Someone said that they would be right back for him, he couldn’t remember who though. The partiers kept glancing at him with strange almost hungry looks. A few of them tried to approach bearing a pair of those red cups, but immediately dropped them upon glancing at his right hand. An ‘X’ had been drawn on there, and his itched something awful. He glanced at it, not remembering when it had been drawn there. As he tried to recall why he was here, a pair of voices drifted closer, one male and the other female.

“Here he is, a fine specimen. You can literally taste the innocence oozing out, chip chip churoo.” The male’s voice was friendly and even-toned. Not a shred of animosity could be found there.

“I say Tanuki-dono, you always provide the best merchandise.” The woman’s voice was refined and clear. A certain cold quality to the sound made Setsu shiver involuntarily. He turned to look at the pair, a small man with round twitching ears and a lively, bushy tail stood next to a young woman clad in a green kimono, she looked normal aside from the icy-white hair and unnaturally cold blue eyes. The kimono had two odd characters emblazoned on it, one that resembled a capital ‘K’ and a triangle. Both were looking at him.

“What can I say? As an alumnus and member of Phi Psi, I make it a point to give back to the community that helped make me who I am today. Now let’s talk bells, I usually wouldn’t sell an opportunity like this for anything less than one million four. I mean look at the kid. Pre-memory fuddled, anti-alcohol charm, chakra sensitive, and yet unravaged by the horrors of the shinobi lifestyle. An opportunity to raise your own human this good hasn’t come around since my great-great-great grandfather Tanuki Ginko, may he rest in peace, sold that Hikaru Genji chap the information about that Murasaki girl.”

“A-a million four,” the woman stammered, a crack showing in her icy facade, “That’s a bit steep, even for my pockets.”

“I’m just letting you know how much it’s worth, my dear. Our families have had dealings in the past, and I always reward customer loyalty. I’m no demon,” the pair laughed as the man continued, “I’m prepared to offer you this rare opportunity for a mere six hundred thousand, I wouldn’t offer this to just anyone you know. From a former exchange student to a current one, we need to stick together, chip chip churoo.”

While the snowy girl waffled over whether or not to complete whatever transaction was going down, Setsu walked over to the pair. It was really faint but he did remember a woman bringing him here, and something about meeting a guy. There was a woman there, with a guy, so perhaps they were the ones? Setsu tugged the sleeve of the girl and asked, “Are you the one I’m waiting for? I’ve stayed out of trouble, honest.”

The woman’s icy demeanor seemed to melt as her cheeks flushed a tiny bit, “Sold. I’ll forward the amount to your account.” She turned to Setsu, kneeling and extending her hand, “Yes! I’m totally the person you’re waiting for, now just come with me and--”

“Where’s your tin tiara?”

It was right at that moment when the pledge-demon would point Setsu out to Saeko, eager to get the business over with and prove his masculinity by swapping saliva with the Acting Raikage.

 

[Takaki Saeko]

It was probably irresponsible of me to just abandon my little charge right in the middle of a forbidden underworld booze-fest, but I feel like if I became more responsible, I’d probably lose something irreplaceable about myself. If someone voluntarily parts with an essential part of their personality and thus becomes something different, then is that not the same as committing suicide? But then again, when if you were killing yourself every time you learned something or had a new experience? What if, every second of every day, a different part of you died and you couldn’t do anything about it?

Fortunately for me, the pledge has sharper senses than I do (being an incubus and all) so he’s able to pick out Setsu’s smell or essence or whatever they use to detect humans faster than I can. For once, everything’s coming up Milhouse Saeko.

“Hey!” I say to the kid, and grasp his hand with mine. “Enjoying yourself yet? You’d better not have gotten anyone pregnant. Anyway, let’s go meet--” As I tug him along, though, I meet resistance. It’s not coming from Setsu, though, but from someone grabbing his other hand. To my surprise and annoyance, it’s a female demon--a snow siren or yuki-onna type--who looks just as peeved as I probably do.

“Excuse me, ma’am,” she says in her best pissy and outraged tone. “But you seem to have mistaken my child for yours.”

I scrunch my brow at her. “Uh, no, miss. I’m the one who brought him here in the first place so we’ll just be on our way.”

She pulls Setsu’s arm a little harder in response. “Well, I just bought him, so you can back right off, or I’m calling the authorities.”

I tug on my side of Setsu’s arm now. “Look at this crown, girlfriend. I am the authorities here. Now, he’s not for sale, and has never been for sale, so I don’t know what you’re talking about, but you’re clearly drunk.”

“Is that supposed to scare me, you lowly ape? I just spent six hundred thousand on him, more money than you can count on your simian fingers and toes, so--”

Bitch meter rising, rising… “Well, I’m really sorry if some shitty tanuki conned you out of daddy’s money, but he’s coming with me, and that’s final!”

The pledge, who’s clearly getting worried (because he’s never witnessed a catfight before), tries to intervene and step between us. In return, he’s instantly flash-frozen into a rather large and comedic block of ice by the snow siren. Setsu, in the meantime, looks like he’s about to dislocate both shoulders. My hand goes to my sidearm, but not before I feel the ice forming around my legs and locking me in place. She just had to go there I curse.

“My, my my,” someone says with a condescending chuckle as he descends from the stairway. As he passes, the pledges guarding the way up part and kowtow to him, as do quite a few attendees present. Of course, given who he is, they’d best do so if they wish to keep their demonic heads. Ca’im, the president of the Phi Psi legion of Hell, is pretty much what you think of when the words "magnificent bastard” comes to mind. “You girls are making it difficult for my guests to enjoy themselves at this little gathering. Can you both be sweethearts and take it outside?”

“Ca’im!” I growl at him. “About time you showed up! Look, this kid is what I wanted to bring to you, but this floozy thinks she’s just bought him out from under your nose!”

“That’s not true!” the yuki-onna snaps. “Lord Ca’im, he was justly and legally sold to me by Tanuki-dono, who don’t forget helped your father out!”

Ca’im throws back his head and lets out a throaty, almost friendly laugh. “All this fuss and trouble over...a kid?” He strides up to Setsu locks gazes with the kid, as if boring into Bumpkin Boy’s soul and feeling its depths out. After what seems like an eternity, Ca’im looks back at me and shrugs. “Okay, so he’s actually quite the specimen. A true contender to bring about the end times, if given a little guidance. But the thing is...I’m losing to ol’ Luci at Super Smash Brothers upstairs and I really want to get back to my game before he knocks me into Sodom. Even now, he’s probably unpausing the game and getting a few good smacks in while I’m down here dealing with this crap. So let’s settle this quickly.”

“Yes, let’s,” I say, annoyed. “The bottom line is that I’m Acting Raikage of Cloud, and the kid’s a student, so he’s already village property anyway, and can’t be sold by someone not acting as an agent of the village.”

Ca’im, however, walks up to me and kicks his boots against the ice globs fastening me to the ground. “And are you in any position to be throwing the might of Kumogakure around? I mean, unless I’ve gone blind and deaf, I don’t see any of your fellow shinobi anywhere around here.”

“If you try anything…”

“Why don’t we let the kid decide what he wants?” He extends a hand, and an onyx-colored saber materializes in his grip. With a lot of unnecessary flourish, he swings the blade in wide arcs around him, clearly relishing the sound it makes as it cuts the air. “Of course, actions always speak louder than words. If Setsu here can land a single hit on me before the sand in a standard hourglass reaches the bottom, then I’ll let him go back to Kumogakure with you. If he can’t, then I’ll end you both.”

“Ca’im! You piece of--” My words are cut off, however, by a demoncloth gag wrapped around my mouth from behind. I want to tell Setsu to run, but we're surrounded. All this crap because of some raccoon-faced asshole.

Speaking of furry little shitbags, I see one sidle up to Setsu and pull a weapon-rack from his ballsack of holding.

“No one can really hope to beat Ca’im-sama in a swordfight,” the creature says, “but everyone always forgets that there are other weapons besides swords. Try something off the rack and see if you like it!”

 

[Suzuki Setsu]

Raucous cheers erupted from the room as the sound of clashing steel rang throughout it. Setsu had first grabbed an ornate looking axe from the smiling tanuki-man and took a defensive stance, holding the weapon right below the head. The basics of combat had been drilled into the boy for four straight months now. One thing he had learned was not to strike rashly, guard until you found an opening then strike. “Oh come now, entertain me boy!” Ca’im roared as he charged into Setsu’s guard. With a deft flick of the stygian blade, the demon prince tugged the axe from the boy’s grasp. “Doesn’t Kumogakure teach their tools about the weapon triangle?”

“Try this, a holy spear once used by a lord in a war against the darkness, though he would only pick fights he could win, maybe you’ll get lucky?” the smiling tanuki said as he handed Setsu the weapon. The spear was a bit too bulky for Setsu, but he did his best to jab at the laughing figure before him. Ca’im easily dodged the amateurish attacks, bringing his saber along Setsu’s arms and legs. They were only light grazes, but they were enough to shake Setsu's control of himself. The boy had his fair share of injuries during training, but he knew that the staff at Kumogakure didn't want to kill him. Training stopped when injuries occurred, and treatment was promptly given. Here Setsu knew he would not be given such care. Ca’im would slowly wear him down, then kill him and the tiara-wearing girl once the hourglass emptied.

Fear filled the boy, and in a desperate frenzy he rushed the dark presence before him. Ca’im parried the spearhead up with his sword, grabbing the haft with his free hand and once again deprived Setsu of a weapon. Cackling with mad glee, the demon launched the spear at the young student. “Catch!” Setsu jumped to the side, narrowly escaping becoming a Setsu-kabob only to lose his footing and fall to the ground. The crowd roared enthusiastically, this is what the festivities had been missing, a good blood sport. The pattern repeated itself over and over again. Setsu would get a weapon from the tanuki, he would be toyed with by Ca'im and then disarmed with another gash to his name. Setsu's fear deepened to abject terror. No matter what weapon he chose, there was no way a mere student could hope to defeat a lord of darkness in his prime. “Hahaha, this is it! How I've longed to taste this again. Desperation, fear, hopelessness, despair! Finished already?” Setsu wanted to say yes, he was done, and just accept his fate. But something kept driving him to stand up, grab another weapon and try again.

Picking himself up off the floor for what felt like the hundredth time, Setsu limped over to the tanuki, holding out his hand for another weapon. “Sorry, dear customer. I’m out of stock,” he said with the same smiling face as he had from the start. A ringing sound emitted from within the sack of holding, “Ooops, need to take this call, dear customer. I wish you luck!” With that the tanuki pulled a bulky brick-like object out of the bag and started chatting away amicably on it. “Well, boy? Have you given up, yet. I admit I’m surprised the raccoon-dog actually ran out of wares. I suppose that’s a testament to your perseverance, but if we truly are done here,” the demon glanced at the hourglass, “I have a game to get back to.” Setsu looked at the antique timepiece, about ten minutes of sand remained. Thoughts raced through the boy’s mind, possible ways to counterattack, begging for his life, or pretending this was all a bad dream. His mind quieted as Ca’im approached, sword poised to give the final blow, and Setsu realized what it was that had been driving him all along. It boiled down to desire. He wanted to live, and he wanted it badly. “I don’t want to die!” the boy yelled.

At that moment something clicked in Setsu, his anger and frustration at his ineptitude, worry for the woman who had tried to help him by bringing him here, desire to survive all mixed into one jumbled mess of emotion and emanated from him in a wave. Ca’im didn’t notice the weak pulse of energy since he was suffused in adrenaline and dark power, but Saeko as a trained shinobi would feel a tug at her mind, something that told her she wanted to protect and help the boy. It wouldn’t take long for her to realize that she had pegged Setsu correctly, he probably had some innate ability to manipulate emotions, which could make the boy a literal heartbreaker in the future if he wasn’t careful. However, the young snow siren was more susceptible to the tugs at her heartstrings. She already had been interested in the boy, and didn’t want him to be killed. Her fear of Ca’im had previously kept her from acting but, Setsu’s small emotional shove pushed her over the precipice. As the demon lord swung his sword downwards his forward momentum was stopped by a pillar of ice. “You dare?” the angry Ca’im growled at the yuki-onna, who looked just as surprised as everyone else in the room as she started to mutter an apology. Before she could even muster a reply, a dark blast shattered half of the snow siren’s body. The crowd of eldritch horrors and dark spirits cheered even louder, not caring if it was one of their own or Setsu that bit the dust.

The demoncloth gag went slack all of a sudden as the pledge restraining Saeko crumbled to the ground. A smooth salesman’s voice greeted her ears, “I’ll put this one on your tab, chip chip churoo. Got a call from upstairs, someone really wants to take Lord Ca’im down a peg or five. Plus he's been edge-camping.” A heavy revolver was placed in the Acting Raikage’s hand. “Made of mythril, orichalcum lined-barrel, the obsidian handle’s purely decoration. Ammo’s Raiden-blessed coldsteel with Tenouzan holy scripture engraved on it. Three shots are paid for, use any more and I’ll send you the bill.”

{MFT}
{WC: 1042}

 

[Takaki Saeko]

“You little ballbag! You’re probably the reason all of this shit happened in the first place!” I growl as I spin around to confront what sounds suspiciously like a Tanuki. Of course the little bastards excel at avoiding responsibility, so by the time I get my bearings he’s long-gone. I regard the piece he’s given me. It looks like something straight out of that WalletHammer 40K game that nerds play because they can’t get a date. But on the plus side it has a really convenient saints calendar engraved right onto the receiver. Did you know that today was the feast day of the Blessed Constantius of Fabriano?

Religious time management issues aside, Setsu and I are still in a bind. I’m not sure exactly how he managed to get the snow demon to defend him--much less take an eldritch blast for him--but I think it might have something to do with that feeling I had when he screamed at Ca’im. Normally, the sight and sound of a person begging and pleading for their life like a little bitch inspires naught but contempt, but when Setsu did it, I don’t know--I felt like all I wanted to do was protect and cherish him. As if I’d become some weird combination of his girlfriend and mother and wanted nothing more than to preserve his smile. I’m not sure if the snow demon felt the same way, but I suppose we’ll never know. Hell, Ca’im might even have a shameful half-chub right about now, which is why he hasn’t immediately taken Setsu’s head.

Whatever the effect, though, it’s probably temporary, and as Acting Raikage I need to make sure that the kids are alright and that their right to bear arms is protected. I have three shots with which to do this. Normally I’d need a lot more, but that damned raccoon doesn’t know I’ve been playing a lot of survival horror lately. With the snow demon’s death, the ice that locked me in place has disappeared, and I’m free to move. I push my way into the crowd.

Meanwhile, Ca’im rests his blade against Setsu’s neck, but doesn’t move it, even though a single twitch could end the kid’s life. “Impressive,” he purrs, but for some reason avoids looking Setsu in the eyes. “Truly impressive. Your trait is rare among your kind. No one chooses it for their build because everyone would rather see themselves wielding a huge sword than mastering something as lame as emotional IQ, but...they’re not thinking outside the box. They don’t see what you’re truly capable of. With a mere glance, you’ll be able to completely enslave anyone you desire. They’ll sleep with you, fight for you, murder for you. Purges, crusades, genocides--all in your name if you so desire. Your potential is wasted as a mere shinobi. Why take orders from some illegitimate shogun when you could be the one conquering the world?” He removes his sword and bows to Setsu. “Let me teach you what true power is. Leave your life as an enslaved shinobi behind, and embrace your true destiny. And if you doubt that I can guide you such, I’ll have you know this: inē ye’ādami wenidi liji nenyi ina lemegideli yemejemerīyawi sewi nenyi.*”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” I say as I emerge from the crowd and level my gun at Ca’im. “Hands off the shota, buddy! He’s coming back with me!”

Ca’im shoots me a glare. “And what’re you gonna do about it?”

I lower my pistol and squeeze the trigger. Blue flames erupt from the muzzle as a .998-caliber round exits the barrel and smashes right into Ca’im’s shinbone. Blessed coldsteel wrapped with scriptures will instantly vaporize any lesser demon it contacts. Ca’im, however, is not a lesser demon, so it merely causes pain. A lot of pain, though.

Hi collapses onto his rear end and grabs at his injured leg, rocking back and forth in obvious agony.

“Arrrghhhh! Iiiiiitthhh! Arrgghhhh!”

“Arrrghhhh! Iiiiiitthhh! Arrgghhhh!”

“Arrrghhhh! Iiiiiitthhh! Arrgghhhh!”

I grab Setsu’s hand and tug on it. “Come on, kid, it’s time we left here. Although it wasn’t the original plan I had in mind, I think things have gotten a bit strange.”

Ca’im gives us a hateful glare. “You’re banned from here, Saeko! Banned for life! Arrrghhhh!”

“Oh, come on, dude, it doesn’t hurt that bad,” I say, rolling my eyes.

“It really does! Damn it, I didn't even really want to have this party! I just wanted to play video games in peace! Get the hell out! I’m calling the cops!”

“Whoa, no need for that. I’ll just go, then. Call you later,” I say, and lead Setsu by the hand back out the front entrance and through the gates.

As we cross the threshold back to Kumo, the eerie darkness that surrounded us melts away into the dipping sun of the late afternoon. In a few more minutes, twilight will be upon us and the residents of Kumo will go about their business none the wiser to what transpired inside that creepy-looking, run-down mansion on the hill. We’re back in our own plane, and something tells me I shouldn’t go back to that other place anytime soon. At least until Ca’im forgets that I pegged him in the knee.

I crouch in front of Setsu and gently cup his face with my hands. He’s got a few scratches and abrasions, but nothing terrible, and more importantly, nothing that wouldn’t be out of place on a busy academy student. Physically, he’s fine, but mentally, there’s definitely changes on the horizon. Looking directly at him kind of makes me feel strange, too, so I avoid doing that.

“Um, do me a favor, okay? And that is, never ever tell anyone about what you witnessed here today, or where I took you! In return, I’ll make sure that your instructors at the academy treat you right from now on. I know the assistant headmistress, so you don’t have to worry.” I smooth my wrinkled crown out and sigh. “Just so you know, I probably won’t be Acting Raikage for much longer. I hear the contest in Tea is winding down, so the real raikage and sennin will be back soon. You might not ever see me again, depending on how things go. But...I want to give you something to remember me by. You ever hear of a dakimakura? It’s like a large pillow you can hug in bed. People are using them for body switch techniques instead of the usual tree stump or whatever these days, mainly because you can put your image on it. Some of them are kinda...risque, though, so enjoy those only in your own room, please. Alright! I’ve gotta head back. I trust you know the way.”

With that, I bend over and kiss him on the forehead. Before he knows it, I’m off somewhere else, and he’s left with said huggy pillow. Tama’s the one who gave me inspiration for it. Just like hers, one side of mine has me in my standard Main branch uniform (with a cat ear headband, of course). The other side has...well, I’ll let him enjoy that in private.




*Amharic: “I am the son of Adam and the first man to kill.”

 

[Suzuki Setsu]

He wasn't dead. But that could change any moment. Shards of ice that were once a living breathing entity were crushed into fine powder under Ca’im’s boots as the demon lord approached. Setsu couldn't move as the cold blade was gently placed against his neck. The demon crooned, something about him having a rare talent. Setsu would have disagreed, but his throat was too dry to talk, and he felt like the wrong word would send his head flying. So instead he listened as Ca’im described the potential of his ability. Enslave?! His eyes flicked over to where the remains of the yuki-onna lay, her facial features forever frozen in an expression of surprise. I made her do that? Setsu turned his attention back to Ca’im, the sudden realization that her death was his fault flooding him with guilt. I just didn't want to die. I didn't mean for her to-, Setsu was interrupted by Ca’im extending him an offer. And with Saeko nowhere to be seen, it seemed to be one that he couldn't refuse. Join him, and fulfill his true purpose. As proof he could make good on his promise to make Setsu powerful, he began speaking in a strange tongue. Setsu would never be able to repeat them, but their meaning was engraved into his soul. Setsu and Ca’im were the same. They both were murderers, and Setsu's destiny was inexorably tied to his.

The boy was about to agree, as he saw no other choice before him that led to his survival, when a voice cut through the room. It was Saeko, with an ornate pistol leveled at the demon lord. A blast of flame and a deafening bang later the proud being was crumpled on the ground, whimpering as he clutched his leg. Setsu’s was as surprised as the rest of the crowd of supernatural entities in attendance. As Ca’im pronounced Saeko’s lifetime ban from the establishment, excited murmurs began to ripple through the crowd, “That means she’s free game right? The kid too? Oh boy!” Sensing the situation was rapidly becoming more dangerous, Saeko grabbed Setsu’s hand and made for the exit, before anyone could make up their minds whether to start attacking the pair. As they made their egress, Setsu felt his head clearing up and the oppressive atmosphere lessen, the sky was back to blue and the bustle of the village could be heard in the distance.

Saeko wasn’t looking at him directly, Did I do something wrong? This wasn’t the case, as Saeko promised to help keep the more malicious Academy instructors in check in exchange for not telling anyone about what happened here. Setsu nodded vigorously, he wanted to forget the fact that he had killed someone in the demon frat house as well. The Acting Raikage also mentioned that she would not have the position for much longer as the actual leaders were returning soon, but she wanted to give him a memento of sorts. A large pillow, one side had the woman in her combat attire, and the other confused Setsu greatly. It made him feel weird, and he felt he was looking at something he shouldn’t be. But at the same time having an image of his saviour to hug at night didn’t seem like a bad idea. A sudden kiss on his forehead brought his attention away from the dakimakura, but Saeko had disappeared. Face flushed and holding the body pillow close, Setsu made his way back to the dorms.

***​

Setsu collapsed onto his bed later that night, hugging the dakimakura tightly. He could still hear Ca’im’s laughter and the words he spoke. The nightmares weren’t going to stop anytime soon and one of the things the demon lord had said stuck in his mind. Getting someone to sleep with me would be nice, I don’t think I’d feel so scared if I wasn’t alone, he thought to himself as he cuddled Saeko’s body pillow. The uniformed side of course.