A sizable boulder lay behind me, my back pressed against it for support as I sat; it's cold touch ever so present. However, I felt warm- the spiritually calming crackle of a camp-fire swayed too and fro afore me. Something about the whole experience was welcoming; like the hearth of a home- all when staring at a fire. The smell drew out the nerves and lay them to a calming sleep, the light was homely and reminded me that even in darkness one could could find peace... And the sound reminded me that I was still alive and well, all things considered.
I couldn't help but smile, a genuine smile- Unlike so many fakes before. I allowed the moment to take me in, with my eyes lulling closed for some time to merely bask in my brief lapse of peace I've gained tonight. In the passing minutes, I realized that time was slipping; and that I should focus on my menial task, that I felt almost an eerie sense of obligation towards. With the re-emergence of my vision, I peered up and scanned the stars for some inspiration. Up until I looked towards my lap, where lie a small book; tattered in travel and worn in use. I found a poetic irony to my situation, jotting down my journey through the lands; as if someone, anyone would find the means or time to read it. The irony? Well, no one I know is close enough to ever be given the book, or have the drive to try and secure it to read... It was a folly of work that I indulged in.
Tapping the pen against my chin, "Now... How to start I wonder? -- Ah.. Right." And thus I began, the echoes of an ink pen scratch against a fresh page.
| Musings of the Fool -Chronicles of the Dragon |
|---|
[thead]
[/thead]
“Writing is utter solitude, the descent into the cold abyss of oneself.”
Dear Mother...
~
Lately, I've been thinking a great deal on my decisions up till now. I... Think I don't regret my steps, not yet at least. I did what I did because I felt it would work out for everyone, my siblings and myself simply did not fit the equation for your life, or Dad's. In my time spent taking care of them, and focusing on trying to stay alive. I came to realize a great deal of faults in the world, it's systems and the people that inhabit it; as sad as it is to say...
You helped a great deal in this idealism. -- So thanks.
To elaborate, I suppose. You see, in the lands we were so humbly blessed to stain with our lives; Kaminari no Kuni. There is a silent, reprehensible nature to it's existence. When you are just another face in the crowd you and your siblings can simply rot away and wither without so much as a second glance... However, given the inheritance of the fuel of a monster, chakra. You become something of a commodity. One doesn't necessarily have to be good at anything either; if you are found you are converted into a tool. Through means of methodologically contorting perspectives, breaking down the psyche and constructing a new way to see the world, and your newfound "Power" any shmuck becomes that of a ... Well, that's up to them- But historically they tend to become monsters of blood. It's funny, because it sounds an awful lot like Dad; doesn't it?
It's not all bad though... Dad wasn't necessarily bad. Just -- Lost, I think. Never hurt us or anything... Not that you'd know; he just wasn't always there. Y'know? Maybe you do... For all we know that's why you and he divided.I suppose I've been rambling a bit to myself, huh. That is the point of these I guess-- In the end, though. I think what I wanted to say, is thanks... Not for nothing, but certainly not anything good... I grew a sense of strength through your broken nature. And made me broken; but at least I can stand and face those I need to-- I don't think you can yet, can you?
Dear Father...
~
Yeah, you too.
To be honest... I don't really know what to say to you in entirety. We've both had our messed up disagreements when I was a child-- And realistically they all seem so small now; yet each exchange I think back to, just digs a wound to the core... It's twisted.
A lot of times, we were sitting in the same room and everyone there was so far away. In part, it's one of those reasons I departed the way I did... I broke our ties, Mom's ties-- And .. I wonder how the other two are doing... To this day, I question if they're alive-- If they were ever caught with Chakra or not. I suspect they wield it too, after-all. You are the proprietor of what courses in our veins, aren't you?
Nevertheless, you might not even know why I left. But I did to skip the CPSS, they would find me one way or another, so why bother-- Really? It's not like I had anything to hold onto, you were lost in yourself, Raimira and Kiga they were slowly discovering themselves if I recall correctly. My part in the family was disintegrated forgotten. . . So I joined the Shinobi-- I became like you Dad. In title, but not in purpose. Without the name of our family anchoring me to you, or anyone but myself.
And perhaps one day, from wherever you are; you will see the fruit of my suffering. But first, I need to finish seeing how deep this wounded heart goes... These wilds, the pain, the suffering and challenges I face-- They will help refine who I am.
For better or worse.<i></i>
Dear Suika...
~
I dare say, I might surprise myself with these next few entries... You see, well- You don't.
But somewhere in this soul, whether it be mine or Bahamut's; there's a sliver of caring, a hearth that one gains when they see something fortuitous. Your pain was apparent and you were lost in the nuance of life, but I could swear before I left, I saw a tunnel opening for you. And I sincerely hope you get to walk down it. Into the darkness or the light-- That is up to you to guide.
I've seen into your psyche, it's not going to go away. And they will always be a part of your heart, and no matter what you do to conceal it, somewhere something will linger... A darkness, a stain that will forever contort decisions and desires that could divide story from tragedy... You see, you have the heart of a human- and a curse of a killer... You were brought into this world under a play you did not know, and the script you couldn't empathize.
I do not regret the things I did to you, for they were ultimately for you... It's all I know how to do for now, I became what I did because I know the weakness of a heart, the strains of a broken mind; and what it takes to build resolve through one's vulnerability... It's sinister, but the armor I yearned to give you will feel uncomfortable; it will cut you, it will hurt you and it will make you stronger. But it will rot and corrupt your mind if you are not careful. So tread in caution, and bar your fangs to those who deserve it, and carry out your role while holding ever-tightly to your individuality. I sincerely hope that in your pain you can forge a weapon to help fix what causes you and so many to suffer through... Just know, I am cheering for your story; and I pray to whatever god it doesn't become a tragedy.
If I were ever to have a daughter, I hope she has the same drive as you. The spunk, and the attitude to hold themselves high in opposition to adversity.<i></i>
Dear Siu...
~
Surprised, you see... You're a wound I cannot heal. Much like the world and reality that you exist in, it twists and breaks you. It too, leaves scars to those around you. A wake of confusion when I first met you and many of my recent students...
To think, all this started because of some folly that teachers were falling through, and things were tight for staff. Really. Had any other teacher been present that day, and the willingness to take on those that were degenerates, failing or needed encouragement; I would have never met you, Suika, Eishi and many others.
But this is not about them, this is me attempting to reveal to my book; and myself the feelings that I've burrowed into tired eyes and apathetic notions. I carried myself like a man to hate, to suffer to avoid and become anything other than. You see, you were all so young; I never thought I'd let it get to me so soon, I've never been able to fully orchestrate my intent to students I think- I get a sense that I may've to your generation however...
Something burned sparks in each of your eyes, and your innocence had been revealed to that of truth. I cannot say for certain that it was my actions that aided this; but I like to hope that I had something to do with it--
Just maybe.
To expand on you... You became something of a project. It should sicken me to say that, but somewhere in my heart. I think it's regrettably fitting, like my Father to me; I wanted to be to you. Should that be sweet? Sentimental? I am not certain; the only difference was I would be there for you... But I felt you needed direction, something that so many youth find a loss in. And my direction wasn't to be a path in life, but the way to the tool-shed. A strength of your personality, your emotions and mind in order to actuate what you felt was right. This way, you weren't left to feel constrained by the bonds of being a Shinobi... Because of your past, the CPSS took everything from you, I sensed great grief there; and I showed you that. I sincerely hope you grow to hate me for what I did, this way you can grow to do something about the wounds that time has left in you... And eventually, in others.
Perhaps it is a bit coy of me to say. But I hope in time, you can control the threads of fate. Heh-- Maybe one day you'll find a way to fix those so damaged by their pasts, like me.
~
For now... Good-night, I am tired. And there are things with me that I'd feel better not hearing for sometime... The terrors of my guilt in the land of dreams bare only scratches to what I shoulder during the day.<i></i>
Dear Mother...
~
Lately, I've been thinking a great deal on my decisions up till now. I... Think I don't regret my steps, not yet at least. I did what I did because I felt it would work out for everyone, my siblings and myself simply did not fit the equation for your life, or Dad's. In my time spent taking care of them, and focusing on trying to stay alive. I came to realize a great deal of faults in the world, it's systems and the people that inhabit it; as sad as it is to say...
You helped a great deal in this idealism. -- So thanks.
To elaborate, I suppose. You see, in the lands we were so humbly blessed to stain with our lives; Kaminari no Kuni. There is a silent, reprehensible nature to it's existence. When you are just another face in the crowd you and your siblings can simply rot away and wither without so much as a second glance... However, given the inheritance of the fuel of a monster, chakra. You become something of a commodity. One doesn't necessarily have to be good at anything either; if you are found you are converted into a tool. Through means of methodologically contorting perspectives, breaking down the psyche and constructing a new way to see the world, and your newfound "Power" any shmuck becomes that of a ... Well, that's up to them- But historically they tend to become monsters of blood. It's funny, because it sounds an awful lot like Dad; doesn't it?
It's not all bad though... Dad wasn't necessarily bad. Just -- Lost, I think. Never hurt us or anything... Not that you'd know; he just wasn't always there. Y'know? Maybe you do... For all we know that's why you and he divided.I suppose I've been rambling a bit to myself, huh. That is the point of these I guess-- In the end, though. I think what I wanted to say, is thanks... Not for nothing, but certainly not anything good... I grew a sense of strength through your broken nature. And made me broken; but at least I can stand and face those I need to-- I don't think you can yet, can you?
Dear Father...
~
Yeah, you too.
To be honest... I don't really know what to say to you in entirety. We've both had our messed up disagreements when I was a child-- And realistically they all seem so small now; yet each exchange I think back to, just digs a wound to the core... It's twisted.
A lot of times, we were sitting in the same room and everyone there was so far away. In part, it's one of those reasons I departed the way I did... I broke our ties, Mom's ties-- And .. I wonder how the other two are doing... To this day, I question if they're alive-- If they were ever caught with Chakra or not. I suspect they wield it too, after-all. You are the proprietor of what courses in our veins, aren't you?
Nevertheless, you might not even know why I left. But I did to skip the CPSS, they would find me one way or another, so why bother-- Really? It's not like I had anything to hold onto, you were lost in yourself, Raimira and Kiga they were slowly discovering themselves if I recall correctly. My part in the family was disintegrated forgotten. . . So I joined the Shinobi-- I became like you Dad. In title, but not in purpose. Without the name of our family anchoring me to you, or anyone but myself.
And perhaps one day, from wherever you are; you will see the fruit of my suffering. But first, I need to finish seeing how deep this wounded heart goes... These wilds, the pain, the suffering and challenges I face-- They will help refine who I am.
For better or worse.<i></i>
Dear Suika...
~
I dare say, I might surprise myself with these next few entries... You see, well- You don't.
But somewhere in this soul, whether it be mine or Bahamut's; there's a sliver of caring, a hearth that one gains when they see something fortuitous. Your pain was apparent and you were lost in the nuance of life, but I could swear before I left, I saw a tunnel opening for you. And I sincerely hope you get to walk down it. Into the darkness or the light-- That is up to you to guide.
I've seen into your psyche, it's not going to go away. And they will always be a part of your heart, and no matter what you do to conceal it, somewhere something will linger... A darkness, a stain that will forever contort decisions and desires that could divide story from tragedy... You see, you have the heart of a human- and a curse of a killer... You were brought into this world under a play you did not know, and the script you couldn't empathize.
I do not regret the things I did to you, for they were ultimately for you... It's all I know how to do for now, I became what I did because I know the weakness of a heart, the strains of a broken mind; and what it takes to build resolve through one's vulnerability... It's sinister, but the armor I yearned to give you will feel uncomfortable; it will cut you, it will hurt you and it will make you stronger. But it will rot and corrupt your mind if you are not careful. So tread in caution, and bar your fangs to those who deserve it, and carry out your role while holding ever-tightly to your individuality. I sincerely hope that in your pain you can forge a weapon to help fix what causes you and so many to suffer through... Just know, I am cheering for your story; and I pray to whatever god it doesn't become a tragedy.
If I were ever to have a daughter, I hope she has the same drive as you. The spunk, and the attitude to hold themselves high in opposition to adversity.<i></i>
Dear Siu...
~
Surprised, you see... You're a wound I cannot heal. Much like the world and reality that you exist in, it twists and breaks you. It too, leaves scars to those around you. A wake of confusion when I first met you and many of my recent students...
To think, all this started because of some folly that teachers were falling through, and things were tight for staff. Really. Had any other teacher been present that day, and the willingness to take on those that were degenerates, failing or needed encouragement; I would have never met you, Suika, Eishi and many others.
But this is not about them, this is me attempting to reveal to my book; and myself the feelings that I've burrowed into tired eyes and apathetic notions. I carried myself like a man to hate, to suffer to avoid and become anything other than. You see, you were all so young; I never thought I'd let it get to me so soon, I've never been able to fully orchestrate my intent to students I think- I get a sense that I may've to your generation however...
Something burned sparks in each of your eyes, and your innocence had been revealed to that of truth. I cannot say for certain that it was my actions that aided this; but I like to hope that I had something to do with it--
Just maybe.
To expand on you... You became something of a project. It should sicken me to say that, but somewhere in my heart. I think it's regrettably fitting, like my Father to me; I wanted to be to you. Should that be sweet? Sentimental? I am not certain; the only difference was I would be there for you... But I felt you needed direction, something that so many youth find a loss in. And my direction wasn't to be a path in life, but the way to the tool-shed. A strength of your personality, your emotions and mind in order to actuate what you felt was right. This way, you weren't left to feel constrained by the bonds of being a Shinobi... Because of your past, the CPSS took everything from you, I sensed great grief there; and I showed you that. I sincerely hope you grow to hate me for what I did, this way you can grow to do something about the wounds that time has left in you... And eventually, in others.
Perhaps it is a bit coy of me to say. But I hope in time, you can control the threads of fate. Heh-- Maybe one day you'll find a way to fix those so damaged by their pasts, like me.
~
For now... Good-night, I am tired. And there are things with me that I'd feel better not hearing for sometime... The terrors of my guilt in the land of dreams bare only scratches to what I shoulder during the day.<i></i>
[MFT - 1,834]
