Searching for an interview [Free RP]

[Oishi Shichimenchou]

I stood up and dusted myself as I neared the house marked with a sign saying, "MD/DDS/PhD/CPA/MSW/Esq."

I am the Countess Bakunin and the fact are these:

I am currently writing a book on Lightning Country. There are plenty of books about this wonderland to be sure, but as of now there is no single authoritative source for it. There are history books, but none with useful maps. There exists several good maps, but their footnotes don't include the various etymologies of the placenames that litter it. There are many dictionaries, but few include a recipe section detailing how to make good gumbo. As such it is my goal to create a master encyclopedia about the sum of our Peninsula's knowledge.

Currently I am working on collecting interviews from the Sennin of the Village Hidden in the Cloud. I have had some success in finding most of the Sennin, but the ANBU head proved to be a hard one to find. I suppose that is why he (or was it a she?) was the ANBU Sennin. He would hardly be a good leader of our elite units if he could easily be found. My journey had taken me across the village and its suburbs and had finally lead me to this place.

It was only three blocks away from my own home so I felt incredibly silly, but hey at least I got a work out!

After making sure I was presentable I knocked twice on the building and said, "Hello? Is there is a certified public accountant here? I need to fill out my income tax form and need help."

 

[Takaki Saeko]

The Takaki clan complex was about as solidly middle-class as any shinobi clan’s complex could ever aspire to be, right down to the overflowing gutters that needed to be cleared of leaves (months ago), the mildewy stains on the outer stucco walls (that was going to be addressed next Tuesday, we swear), and the pink flamingos on the haphazardly-mown Zen rock garden inside. Asking why a rock garden needed to be mown was to invite heresy of the worst degree, and you, dear reader, have been given your final warning.

It must be clarified that although their most (in)famous current clan-member was one Vice Commander of the Kumo ANBU Corps, known for his alcoholism and 200% motherfucking loyalty, that there were in fact others in the family besides Masao. In fact, his father and mother were still very much alive, he had brothers and sisters, aunts and uncles, and even those stereotypically-middle-class “surrogate family members” who hung around and mooched off the refrigerator and played video games all day. In essence, he had never been one of those orphans crawling in my skin creating wounds that will not heal, which was probably why he was actually still functional and working and not, say, on his seventeenth rebirth cycle. The clan was not one that liked to loudly advertise itself to the village through extensive posts on the local bulletin board, mainly because it was embarrassing. However, the elderly clan patriarch, Masao’s father, still ran a little bit of miscellaneous business out of the house, mainly on the strength of his academic and professional certifications obtained through the finest correspondence courses that Lightning Online For-Profit University (Go LOFPU Hydralisks!) could offer.

The Countess’ knock and question were answered with almost preternatural speed by a youngish, silver-haired girl wearing a maid’s outfit that seemed to defy the laws of Euclidian geometry and basic fashion sense.

“Oh-HAYO!” whooped the maid with 200% motherfucking genki. “Welcome Welcome desu! Takaki-samaaaa! We’ve got a customer!” she hollered over her shoulder. “Come in from the cold, ojou-sama, I’ll make some tea and fetch the old guy!” Taking Bakunin’s hand without asking her permission, the maid now half-dragged the likely bewildered countess in from the cold outer gate and into one of the anterooms that was dressed up like an office. A utilitarian desk with duct-taped leather office chair faced some bland-looking couches, while the back wall was festooned with all manner of framed printouts of diplomas, certifications, commendations, and framed letters from famous individuals from the village’s past with names like Shinbatsu or Takao mostly saying something along the lines of “thank you for providing the sandwiches/liquor/ammunition for our cadaver course/academy student social/children’s day celebration” (in that exact order).

It was not too long before a somewhat gaunt-looking but wild-eyed older man now emerged from the depths of the house, accompanied by the silver-haired maid bearing a platter of teacups.

“Hello there, young woman! My little abomination here tells me that you’re looking for help with your 1040, is that correct? Did you bring your prior statement from last year? Are you single? No, don’t look at me that way, I have a wife. The Raikage gets to take less from you if you’re married filing jointly or if you own your own home or land... Now, where did I put those calipers? Oh, another thing, how are your teeth? Do you need any fillings or extractions today? Don’t let chronic dental pain ruin your smile! I also provide Botox as well as weight-management, addiction help, and professional coaching. If you’re stuck at chuunin rank and don’t know how to get that extra Oomph to impress that Sennin who’s always asking you for your delinquent TPS reports, I’m your man... Also, I can write for Percocet...”

 

[Oishi Shichimenchou]

I took several steps back as I was greeted by a pipsqueak. It was a- maid? Yes, I was greeted by the maid. I use the word 'greeted' very loosely. I had little time to think before I had my hand yanked towards the building. The pipsqueak said something about fetching me some sea and making me an old guy. Before I could turn down the offer for tea I found myself in an office.

My eyes opened up wide when I saw that one of the papers on the wall was signed by Raikage Shinbatsu. In it he thanked X person for having brought ammunition for the children's day celebration. Was I in the home of a mad man or a war criminal? Seeing as the outside stated that there was an accountant I was inclined to believe it was a war criminal.

As I waited for the tea to be fetched I instinctively prepared myself for battle. My preparations proved to be too few too late as the tea came out. It was a modest looking tea. It took no time in asking me all sort of things such as my marital status or how my teeth were. The maid had also appeared with a platter of oldmancups, but that is a matter for later.

"ON GUARD YOU HOOLIGAN!" I shouted as I lunged forward toward the tea with my right index finger outstretched, "Did you think you could run your operations for long without someone catching onto you? I AM THE FIRE MARSHAL AND I KNOW OF ALL THE FIRE PREVENTION MEASURES THAT YOU HAVE BROKEN OVER THE PAST FIVE YEARS!"

I quickly added, "Also, what type of oldman is in the cup? Is it green oldman or earl grey perhaps?"

 

[Takaki Saeko]

“Ai Ya!!!” shrieked the maid as thirty-seventh hereditary countess Bakunin revealed her true, Eldritch horror-of-a-form as none other than that feared shutter-downer of fraternity houses and speakeasies nationwide, the Fire Marshal. “Takaki-samaaaaaa! Be careful desu, her powerlevel is over nine thousand!” she announced, hurriedly placing herself between the hated Fire Marshal and her master (how this particular work arrangement came to be was a mystery only solvable by extensive study of the Mabinogion and thus outside of the scope of this text), and now drawing a wickedly glowing, enchanted-with-the-power-of-Zalgo-who-hides-behind-stuff nine-iron (or was that actually a putter?) and pointing the business end at the countess’s face. “Baka hentai! Shut us down, will you?! You’ve challenged none other than the Chaos The Crawls Up To You With A Smile!”

“It’s actually Pu-erh tea, young woman. If you’re a fan of aromatics like Earl Grey you’ll come to love this one quite well!” said the elder Takaki jubilantly, either not noticing Bakunin’s earlier challenge and the maid’s escalation of the whole situation into tactical nuke incoming status with appropriate freakouts. At this point, conveniently enough for the plot, another door to the room opened, and in stepped a new arrival. Without going through a laborious and amateurish description of what he was wearing in an attempt to make the reader think he was more fabulous than he actually was, it will suffice to sat that this was Masao himself and that he was dressed like usual, which is to say, like a salaryman.

“Jesus Saito on a Stick, Dad, why is she, er it, still here?! It’s illegal to bring Chaos Deities across the border, much less employ them. I mean, do you even pay her appropriately or are you just exploiting her because she’s illegal and does jobs no Lightning Country redneck would be caught dead doing?” Masao asked in exasperation, lighting up a cigarette.

“Hush, boy. You really want the Feds to shut down the kitchen again?! Who will make the tortillas, your mother?! She can't cook and I'm afraid to ask your wife. What will we eat then, hmm?!” retorted the elder Takaki.

 

[Oishi Shichimenchou]

Immediately after my threat the maid girl put herself between me and the man. She took no time in returning my threat with one of her own.

"The Chaos that crawls up?" I mocked back at the girl, "I hope you used a regulation ladder or that is ANOTHER fire code regulation you are breaking right there missie!"

The man on the other hand took a calmer approach to my threat. In fact I am unclear if he heard it. He told me only that I was mistaken and that the tea was Pu-erh tea. I tried to refocus the fact that I had just given a threat, but before I could do so a second man entered the room. From his appearance I was left to assume he was an apprentice accountant. Inferring from his words he was the son of the first man, so it seemed I was right to assume him an apprentice accountant.

I raised my right eyebrow as the discussion turned to illegal aliens, tortillas, and dinner.

"Actually," I said as I kept my index fingered pointed toward the first man (let's call him Papa and his son, Son), "I am part illegal on my maternal grandmother's side. I could make tamales. I can also make half decent pupusas. Milk and pan dulce are always a good meal if everything else fails. AFTER we deal with the matter for why I am here."

I gave a pause.

"I am here looking for the ANBU Sennin by the way. If you can't do that much for me I will have to use my Fire Marshal powers to shut down the party in this house and deport the maid here back to Bean Country."

 

[Takaki Saeko]

“Baka baka ecchi, we don’t need no steenkin’ ladders!” protested the maid, shaking her weapon furiously and no doubt contributing to the pollution of This Universe with yet more Chaos effluvium that unchecked, would surely accumulate and create the strongest and coolest academy student EVER.

“Look, Maria, Guadalupe, Nyarlothep, whatever your name is, why don’t you put that unspeakable bar thing away before someone gets killed, or worse, starts to question the status quo?” asked Masao with a sigh, grabbing the maid’s weapon by the shaft and lowering it. His arm briefly bulged grostesquely and started to smoke as his own chakra repulsed the influence of the Madness the Abyss itself only due to the fact that he was “capped out”, whatever the hell that actually meant.

“Hmmph,” she sniffed in response. “One day I’ll crush your skull, Masao-nii-sama!”

“My wife’s already claimed that.”

Drums and cymbals clashed from nowhere, and an unearthly laugh track started up and faded away before anyone could notice.

“Young woman, I am happy to prepare your tax forms for you whenever you wish, and I’ll also update your all vaccinations if you can make some tamales!” said Papa Takaki energetically, salivating all the while.

“I am here looking for the ANBU Sennin by the way. If you can't do that much for me I will have to use my Fire Marshal powers to shut down the party in this house and deport the maid here back to Bean Country,” now offered Bakunin.

“Can you actually open up a hellmouth, Fire Marshal? If so, I’d appreciate your help getting her back to Tijuana,” said Masao, shrugging. “Well, anyway, the ANBU Sennin is my wife, Santaru Rin. She’s not here right now but I can call her over headset. I’m sure she’s probably crushing skulls and rolling canisters of nerve gas into nursery schools right now, but hey, we’ll see if she’s got a moment to spare.” He turned on his headset. “Anata, are you there? The Fire Marshal wants to talk to you back at the house. I thought we’d gotten rid of the torches in the Sileo, but maybe there were a few that went unnoticed or something...” He turned back to Bakunin. “Wait a sec, do we even have a fire department in Kumo? For all the students and genin setting themselves and everyone around them on fire every week I sure don’t see any trucks or bucket brigades ever responding.”

 

[Oishi Shichimenchou]

"Of course we have a fire department!" I said, "It is just that we are severely underfunded. We only have three employees right now. Myself, the receptionist, and the Yeti that goes to the shinobi academy to teach children how to panic when they see a forest fire."

I put my hands on my head with my two index fingers outstretched in order to give the image of horns.

"You know the Yeti right? Seven feet tall. Always snacking on dice. He's the Hokage's step-brother. No?"

The nerve of the son to doubt my credentials as a fire marshal! Would he next doubt whether my hair was really blue? Although I suppose he was right in being skeptical on the matter as I really was lying.

Now that I think about it, is there a fire department? I mean, you always see those plaques warning that the maximum occupancy of a room is so-so, and that any violations would be dealt with by the fire marshal. So certainly a fire marshal existed, and it followed that there was a fire department that this marshal belonged to. Where was the real marshal though?

I lowered my index fingers and placed my hands to my side, "Look you two -"

Those two being the Papa and Son.

"Where is the maid from? What I mean to say, is she from Bean country or from Banana country? I need to know what type of tamales she has been making for you all since she came in here."

 

[Santaru Rin]

Somewhere far away, perhaps in a sea of burning forests, Rin heard a mosquito whine in her ears. At first squatting at it, mistaking the noise for perhaps some sort of bloodsucker that had evolved to withstand fire, she swatted around her head. When that didn't work, she realized that she was wearing her headset cockeyed, and that noise was actually her husband trying to get her attention.

"What?" she asked, straightening the radio. "Fire marshal? You can tell the fire marshal to go fuck himself."

On the other end, kilometers away, Masao cleared his throat. "Anata, you know, the fire marshal could shut us down..." he replied warningly.

"How? He doesn't even know where the Sileo is!" she hissed.

"By writing on a piece of paper!"

"You know what fire marshals are weak to? FIRE!" Into the silence from the other end, she added in a pitchy falsetto, "Oh gawd! I'm burning! I spilled mint sauce on my twat!" Then she turned the connection to autistic mode.

 

[Takaki Saeko]

“I think she’s from Durian country – you know, that spiny fruit that smells horrible and you think ‘why, only an absolute idiot would ever stick this in his mouth!’ But then you actually taste a bit out of morbid curiosity and BAM! You’re hooked and you can’t stop eating it?!” suggested Daddy Takaki, clearly fascinated at the thought of such a contradictory fruit.

“Well, there you have it, Fire Marshal. My wife has been assailed by condiments, and I don’t think she’ll be wanting to talk much. Too bad, because we’re both hungry for tamales right now. Look, Consuela, Shub-Niggurath, whatever… why don’t you make some for us and our guest here? And make an extra batch for the Yeti. That guy works hard, as you can see from all the genin turning themselves into human torches all the time,” said Masao, his mind also now turning to food. The silvery-haired writhing mass of tentacles and gaping hellmouths genki girl now turned, blew a raspberry at the Countess, and hopped daintily down the hall toward the kitchen. “Why did you want to see my wife, anyway? I mean, we got rid of all the damned torches in the Sileo. It’s not our fault that Kizoku Ari replaced all the electric lightning with oil-soaked flaming rags and smoked everyone out. If you want to go fine someone, go fine him! Also, we all know the standard "stop, run around like a maniac, and try to catch others on fire" drill too. See, the Yeti taught us at the academy...”

 

[Oishi Shichimenchou]

"Durian Country?"

I rubbed my chin. Where in the name of Raiden was that? It must have been on the Red Bean Peninsula to the west as that was where most of the agricultural countries were located. I can't say I have ever heard of it though. Maybe it is a newly founded regime? It does seem as if there are new countries rising and falling all the time recently. I remember in my youth when Twinkie Country existed. It was a rich and prosperous kingdom, but after the death of its last Daimyo it fell into a civil war. The world became less tasty after that.

I stole a look towards the Papa. He wasn't just messing with me was he?

I nodded at the Son as he explained that his wife had been intercepted by condiments. I had forgotten that we were still in war against the Ketchup Empire. The whole thing was terrible. After the death of our last Shogun, blessed he be in the heavens, our neighbors became bolder and a few had invaded us. The Ketchup Empire which ruled over the thirty two condiment tribes had been the most successful. I heard that at one point Port Cirrus has been covered in frosting and was about to fall before a last minute turn of the tide. Hopefully the ANBU Sennin was not in too much trouble.

"Yes, I offer my sympathies. I lost an uncle to the condiments army. There is a support group downtown if your wife doesn't make it."

Without saying anything further on that I turned my attention towards the issue of the Yeti and why I was looking for the ANBU Sennin in the first place.

"Ah yes, you see the Fire Department is trying to write a biography about the ANBU Sennin. We're hoping we can use the proceeds of the book to fund the Yeti's operation. Between you, me, your father, and the maid,"

I quickly glanced around the room to make sure there was no one else,

"The Yeti needs to have nasal surgery."

 

[Takaki Saeko]

“Thank you, but I think she’ll be just fine. There’s a reason she’s the ANBU Sennin after all. Not just any woman can be splattered with the most special-est of sauces and the most curried of currywursts and survive to tell the story,” responded Masao, briefly flashing back to that time when he had been pinned down by a company of soy sauce packets during the Battle of Hamburger Hill. As one of the most delicious battles in Lightning Country history, it was also one of the most lethal, with 90% of soldiers involved dead of heart attacks and obesity-related complications.

“Nasal surgery? No wonder I always thought he was whistling all the time. It must be very hard for him to breathe right, especially at night. My wife says I snore way too much. I of course think that is a load of poppycock.”

“What I do is elbow my wife in the ribs when she snores!” interjected Daddy Takaki. “To which she usually frogs me in the chest,” he said, rubbing his bruised pectorals and looking sullen.

“Well, in any case, we’re willing to help you, Fire Marshal," said Masao with gusto. "I just can’t ignore that poor Yeti’s plight. I mean, without him, I’d probably do something retarded like ‘stop, drop, and roll’ if my clothes caught on fire, instead of trying my best to ignite everyone else around me as well as the building I was in. As her husband, I know the Sennin quite well, and we do share a lot of history together. I met her when I was a genin and she a student. We even work together still. When I’m not trying to defraud the government with false disability claims, I’m supposedly the Vice Commander of the ANBU. Some idiot gave me the job, that’s all I know.”

 

[Oishi Shichimenchou]

"You elbow your wife?" I said in a high pitched voice. The Father startled me with this revelation of his. Just what sort of kinky sex was he having with the Mama that involved snoring and elbowing? On second thought I didn't really want to know the answer to that. I instead returned my attention back to the Son.

He too startled me with his words. He claimed to have been given the post of Vice Commander over the ANBU and called the one who gave him the job an idiot. His wife was the ANBU Sennin, so it followed that she must have given him the post, or at minimum pushed the Raikage to give him the post. Was he calling his wife an idiot? Just what sort of women hating family have I stumbled myself upon? I felt a sudden compulsion to forget the book and instead rescue the illegal alien maid from this horrid place.

Alas, I could not act on that. My editor had put a deadline on me and I needed to finish that book within the end of the month.

"I am glad you are willing to help. Can I begin by asking you when your wife first started the shinobi academy? Do you know who the Raikage when she started? Did she have any boyfriends or girlfriends before you two went at it? What did you two do when you went on your first date? How did she ask you out? What is her favorite type of flowers?"

I nodded at the father with my head, "Did you father there give your hand in marriage to her easily? Or did the Sennin have to win him over by cooking really good pupusas?"

 

[Takaki Saeko]

“Of course! How else do you stop someone from snoring in your ear all night?!” protested Daddy Takaki, now sipping on the Pu-Erh tea that was rapidly cooling in the oldman cups.

“You have a lot of questions, Fire Marshal,” said Masao, “Are you sure you’re not from la migra? Anyway, my wife isn’t a very traditional person and hasn’t had a very traditional path through the shinobi ranks.

“She started the academy at the minimum age, eight years old. Her father’s name is Satou Ken’ichi, a shinobi who retired from the service at the rank of High Genin to open a bakery with her mother, Yamada Sachiko, who is deceased. The Satou family is an offshoot of the Santaru clan, so she inherited the right alleles to start manifesting chakra potential early on. She doesn’t talk about it much, but there was, and still is, a significant degree of tension between her and her other family members, so I’m sure she wanted to get out of the house as soon as she could. This was at the start of the Dawnbringer’s reign, in answer to your second question.

“I met her right after I’d graduated the academy and started my job with the Investigative Department of the Main Branch. Like usual, I was hung over and she was at the local shrine to Raiden, and we started talking with each other. I had pink hair at the time, and I think she kind of liked that, so afterwards, we kept on running into each other. During our first mission together, which was sort of a first date in a really horrible sense, we both engaged a group of bandits who were harassing a research settlement deep within the forest, and ended up killing some of their number. It was the first time she had taken a human life, and well, I was there for it. Having already been the triggerman in some pretty violent customs and interdiction raids in Port Cirrus, I was used to it, but she wasn’t. I expected her to cry, but instead, well, she accepted it quickly. She either was able to hide her distress or perhaps found that murder came easy to her. I still don’t know to this day.

“One thing I’ll clarify is that although I’ve known her for a very long time, we did not actually become a couple until many years after we’d met. We only married sixteen years ago, and we’re both, uh, middle-aged now. Here, lemme show you a wedding photo. I still have it buried somewhere here…” said Masao, briefly rummaging through a closet before he found what he was looking for.

Spoiler

“We were both in relationships with others before we became a couple. She had some romantic interests in kunoichi we were mutual friends with, as did I. So in the end, it got messy, and she dropped a toilet on my head one time after she caught me with Kimura Rei. That made me want to commit – I wasn’t getting any younger and my skull had been fractured, so what was I to do? I still don’t know what her favorite type of flower is. I don’t usually get her those.”

 

[Oishi Shichimenchou]

"Well you could just tell them so!" I said toward the father. When my late husband, blessed he be in Raiden's planet, had snored I told him about his snoring problems, but never actually hurt him.

I would have attacked the father and told him to appreciate that his spouse was still alive, but before I could do so the son had began answering my questions. The Sennin had started at an early age, was of the Santaru clan, wore an eye patch, and so forth and so forth. I nodded as I heard the son speak. The wedding photo he showed was adorable, although I wasn't sure why they were dressed up like that. What sort of church did they belong to that made people dress up in such funny looking clothes?

I made a small frown when he said that he didn't know her favorite flower. The men in this family sounded awful. Poking their wives, not giving them flowers. It was a miracle that they managed to find to love despite this. Wait-

"Who is Kimura Rei? Do you two have any children together? Has your wife ever had any encounters with ghosts, aliens, or traveling salesmen from the village hidden in the Sand?"

 

[Takaki Saeko]

“Kimura Rei? Ah yes. She’s a retired Jounin who was in the same academy class as my wife was. They graduated about a year later than I. We all started to get close to each other in those early days, and I’d spend a lot of time with those two. Back then she was rather plain-looking but generally sweet, without much to distinguish her. However, she disappeared soon after she made genin, and only came back after Rin and I had completed our ANBU selection trials. I learned later that the reason for her disappearance was because she had been abducted and ‘trained’ in secret by that mad Sennin Nara Ryuujin,” said Masao with obvious distaste. Ryuujin was one of those characters who was best handled with a very long stick and nuclear-safe gloves. "When she came back, she was changed. She was, how shall I put this; hungry. Although Rin and I had entered a relationship, Rei and I became lovers as well. Interestingly, she also became lovers with Rin. It’s complicated but the bottom lines is that I don’t think I have children with her.

"As I said, though, this continued for a time until it all came to a head and Rin confronted me over this and dropped a toilet on me. Eventually, Rei was assigned to some wetwork in the Democratic Kagoshiman Republic, which at the time was a goddamned quagmire of a sandbox in which our country wasted lots of money to shoot foreigners for the sake of our freedumbs. There, she fell in love with the leader of the rebels, one Date Daisuke. With her help, Date’s faction rose to power, negotiated independence from Lightning, and she’s now his wife and head of security. Interestingly, my daughter with Rin is her adjutant. Funny how these things work out.

"For your second question, she’s always having encounters with all sorts of supernatural crazy. Hell, for a long time, I could have sworn that the ghosts of her dead clansmen were tormenting her dreams. Also, her name is Santaru Rin. But she does not command lightning like a Santaru does. She used to, though. Now she manipulates shadows and reads minds. You don’t merely change your innate chakra workings like that without some serious negotiation with the Void, or at least not without the aid of a Serbo-Croatian hacker. As far as aliens, I’ll have you know, Fire Marshal, that our official government policy is that if you go to try to put out a flaming UFO crash, I have to shoot you, and then shoot myself, and then shoot the men in black. So I’d just ignore that 911 call and save all of us a lot of trouble, okay? Finally, as far as brown people from Sand, those terrorists tried to kill my dad.”

“That’s my boy, Dubya!” said Daddy Takaki, mumbling. “I should’ve listened to Schwarzkopf…”

“Actually, they didn’t do anything to my dad. He just hates Sunajin because he's prejudiced against all races,” whispered Masao to Bakunin conspiratorially. “Anyway, Rin’s had dealings with shinobi from Konoha in the past, but none from the Kazekage’s village.”

 

[Oishi Shichimenchou]

"Wait why would the Sennin drop a toilet on you?" I said, "I mean if she was also Rei's lover, then weren't you both doing the same thing? If you were hit by a toilet for that reason, then should she not too have been hit by one? Unless... you threw a toilet on you wife? My goodness!"

These two (the father and son, not the maid) really were wife beaters! I needed to contact the police! No wait, there was no police. Nor a military police. The closest we had to a law enforcement agency was the ANBU, and this man was 2nd in command. Going to the first in command, the Sennin, would be no good either. It was clear this man beat her if she ever dared go to the ANBU Sennin for help.

I quickly glanced around the room to find the nearest exist in case that I found myself being threatened with a toilet to my head.

That was when the son whispered to me about his father's prejudice against Suna-jin. On this one area I agreed with the father. Those dirty halfbreeds from the south were inferior to the greatness of us Kumo-jin. We were prettier, smarter, and cooler. What did they have in return for their ugliness, dumbiness, and hotness? Sandworms? Psh. Our rabbits could take on their sandworms anyday anytime.

"Yes yes I see. You didn't have children with Rei. What about your wife though? You said she was lovers with Rei. Did the two of them ever have a child? Or are the only children she has from you? How many children do you have? Any foster children? Do they look like you or her? Do you have any baby photos?"

 

[Takaki Saeko]

“Whoa there, Fire Marshal!” protested Masao, holding his hands up at the allegations of hilarious domestic violence now thrown forth by the blue-haired woman. “I didn’t toss a toilet onto my wife. I just dutch-ovened her! You know, that technique where you create a really stinky cloud of gas and then use a dome-shaped force field to confine your target in with the gas?” he said, chuckling to himself. Actually, dutch-ovening someone had been Rin’s idea all along. It was just that he had actually used it on her before she could use it on him. Occasionally at home in bed, however, she would get him back for his intellectual property theft by letting out a silent-but-deadly and suddenly hurling the covers over his head and holding him under while his eyes watered and his nostrils burned. That was what real 3DPD relationships were like, ya damned otaku!

“You know, our society can send shinobi to the Moon but it still frowns on two people of the same sex raising a child together. Well, actually, it can’t send shinobi to the moon because of, you know, The Man*. So I guess we’re just really primitive after all. Ah well, can’t be helped. In any case, Rin and I have two children and no foster children. The boy, Enjeru, is 16 and the girl, Saeko, is 15. Neither of them look anything like either of us,” he shrugged. “Enjeru is a mednin, and kind of a wuss. Saeko is strong-willed like her mother and is Kimura Rei’s assistant right now. It’s complicated. I think they stole all their baby pictures one day to prevent us from showing other people.”

*

Spoiler

That is literally the first google result you get when you type in the name. No idea if this is him xD

 

[Oishi Shichimenchou]

I rubbed my chin at the suggestion that we could send men to the moon. It was not that I could not believe the thought of men going to the moon. It was simply that I was unaware we had only one moon. Which one of them would we seek to land if space travel ever became feasible? Why exactly would we wish to go to any of them? They didn't seem all too particularly fun. You never had a friend come back from vacation and tell you how he loved the resort in the moon, did you?

I did not wish to think too hard on what exactly a dutch oven was. The son's description made it sound like a form of chemical warfare. Hadn't those been outlawed following the events of the last Great Shinobi War? I decided not to pursue the issue any further. If this 'dutch ovening' was a chemical weapon then I had a legal obligation to report it to the international authorities. I had no intent to write out that paperwork. I had other things to do!

Anyway, "Does your wife at this time have any plans for the ANBU branch? Do you know what she wishes to do with it in the near future? And what exactly is the story regarding your maid? Is she your wive's cousin or something of that sort?"


(OOC That's Ryoma.)

 

[Takaki Saeko]

“Well, let me tell you about the maid first. The bottom line is, she’s basically a centuries-old eldritch horror that takes many forms and has enticed, enslaved, and drained-dry more men and women than the League of Legends,” he said, referring of course to the famous slaving ring operating out of Water Country. “Regardless, I don’t play any MMORPGs,” he said with an air of superiority, referring of course to the acronym used for demonic contracts that had some unpronounceable name in Baal-speak, “so I’m pretty safe, personally. Father on the other hand…” he said, shaking his head.

“I have to resolve the Guild Wars!” burst out the elder Takaki, remembering something urgent.

“That was many years ago, dad,” said Masao gently.

“There’s a sequel!” he retorted.

“Can’t you play something that doesn’t have a subscription cost?” said Masao, now just blatantly breaking the fourth wall – you know, that one wall of the room that he always forgot was actually just a rice-paper screen and not actual wood or stone and leaned into all the time.

“They all suck!”

“Now where were we? Oh yes, the ANBU. Well, I can’t tell you ALL the details since we’re supposed to be top secret. I mean, the masks aren’t just there to make us all look like fetishists or to hide our neckbeards, right? In any case, the basic plan is that she wants to refine its mission from a vaguely-defined ‘we kill shinobi at the gates sometimes and serve as cannon fodder for important story arcs’ to a more focused emphasis on fighting enemies that would overwhelm shinobi from other branches. That requires redoing some of its structure and hierarchy and focusing on individual trainees more. This ensures that we don’t get stuck with a bunch of twelve-year-olds who can't put a sentence together and think the best way to resolve their own butthurt is to go stick a chainsaw in the Raikage’s rectum because it makes them look… ‘cool’. Seriously, you’d be surprised how many Cloud shinobi think that killing everyone around them will make them more respected. Then again, as the Fire Marshal, I’m sure you probably have a good idea of this.”

He sighed, weary of the playerbase and their pervasive illiteracy. Then again, he was probably simply being arrogant and forgetting how awful public education in Lightning Country really was.

 

[Oishi Shichimenchou]

"MMORPG..." I mouthed silently. What in the blazes were they talking about?

OH! Right. They must be referring to Morganatic Marriages Of Responsible Persons Games. I imagine they must be games arranged for those who enter into morganatic marriages. This league of legions and guild wars must have been two of these games. They sounded horribly boring to be truthful. I much preferred a simple game of rock paper scissors or twister. I was amazingly flexible with my neck so I always did well in twister.

I was a bit troubled by the response to my question. While I certainly welcomed a shift in our ANBU forces from raising a generation of rectum obsessed neckbeards, I was less sure if I was unsure if redoing the hierarchy was necessarily a good idea. Wouldn't that mean adding new rank titles? Everyone knew that could not be done! The gods themselves prohibited the use of anything else than Jounin, Chuunin, and Genin. At best you could get away with a vague 'ANBU Captain'.

I turned my next question towards the father, "What are your thoughts about the current ANBU Sennin? I ask since you've obviously been around past administration. Is the current one competent compared to them?"