Searching for an interview [Free RP]

[Takaki Saeko]

Elder Takaki had nicely fallen asleep while his son droned boringly on and on about how ninpocho wasn’t some trashy online game meant for kids and how everyone should take it seriously and write like they majored in Common at Lightning National University, only to be suddenly woken up from his delightful slumber by none other than the Fire Marshal.

“I didn’t cover the smoke detectors with foil so I could smoke indoors!” he shouted, before suddenly realizing that her question had nothing to do with enjoying hemp derivatives and everything to do with his son’s wife’s career. “Ahem... Well, you’re right. I’ve been a shinobi in this village since before the reign of Kagetsu Kiyo the first. The Raikage before her was...well, I forgot the man’s name and frankly it’s completely irrelevant. We’re in the eighties now. The ‘Me’ generation. Anyway, I never used to pay much attention the ANBU until... Until... Who was the ANBU sennin right after Akira Saito who hated electricity and polymers, son?”

“Kizoku Ari, dad,” replied Masao, crossing his arms.

“Ah right, I’m terrible with names. Kizoku ripped the electric lighting out of the entire Sileo Tempestas and replaced it with torches. This is in a place with no chimneys as far as I can tell. Then he ripped out all the phones and replaced them with tin cans connected by strings. For the computers, he replaced them with a single abacus, grudgingly I might add. I remember him rolling around town in his wooden bathtub on wheels powered by a hand-crank, squeezing his wooden duck and screaming at us all that the Cylons were coming and that if we didn’t want to die, to forsake all electronics and especially plastics. Oh, how he hated all things plastic!

“He was a talented woodcarver. I recall he made a wooden facsimile machine. It really worked, too. It took an entire tree, reduced it to wood chips, then to paper, and then printed faxes with remarkable fidelity using psychic miniature chakra-enhanced woodpeckers that he himself trained to punch tiny holes in the paper. That’s why there’s no forest anymore. Not just because the council forgot to request one, but because it was all used for paper for that machine...

“But I digress. Yes, poor Kizoku – he didn’t last long. He was eventually caught trying to scale the Torre Celeste to tear down the Raikage’s Satellite TV dish because he claimed that it wasn’t allowed in this universe. Raving and ranting gibberish about the Cylons and the Administrators and someone named Ryoma who apparently flies around on a dragon. Now he spends his days in the Takao Institute selling his creations on the international market to the highest bidder. I really think he’s happier doing that, than he ever was an ANBU Sennin.

“After Ari was relieved of his position, the Raikage and one of the prior sennin, Akira Saito, asked that Rin come back on the job. She was the only one who could undo all the damage that Kizoku Ari had done to the organization in his madness. So that should tell you, Fire Marshal, how much she is trusted in this village and especially by the Raikage. After all, she’s the only woman who’s really chewed him out in the past. Men like a woman who gives them a bit of well-deserved abuse, you know?”

Senior Takaki now pulled out a pipe and started to smoke it.

 

[Oishi Shichimenchou]

"WAIT!" I said as I extended my finger toward the father.

"You didn't answer my question! You went into a digression about electricity, plastics, and the former Sennins! You didn't actually answer whether the current if you thought the current ANBU Sennin is competent! That is like you asking about my love life, only for me to go off topic by discussing my time at the Lightning National University!"

I actually went to the Miyazaki University in Port Ayunee. It is a small liberal arts school. I myself majored in anthropology with a focus on the early Red Bean civilization. It was admittedly a useless degree and I could do nothing of use with it. I tried applying to several firms but each turned me down for having no real world experience and no transferable skills. Eventually I did what most younglings did and entered the military to pay off my student loans.

It was not all bad though. My time in university was fun. I joined a sorority and every spring break spent it partying in the coastal cities of Fire Country. I am told by some of my friends that on one night I became drunk and declared myself the Warlord of Melon Country and accidentally invaded Russia. I can't recall any of this, but I do occasionally get requests from the Kaiser of Water Country to cede the Duchy of Poland to him or face the consequences of full military force. What I do recall is flashing on camera several times. Luckily all the video tapes of those idiotic actions were erased when the country's film reels were burned to appease the anti-technology cult that took over that one fall.

... I may or may not have been part of said anti-technology cult, and I may have started the whole thing in order to destroy those video tapes. But I am starting to really digress here.

"Answer the question!" I said as I returned the topic back to its original purpose, "Is the current Sennin competent? Does she have a good eye for men to marry? Or do you think we have had a better ANBU Sennin in the past?"

 

[Takaki Saeko]

“But college was totally awesome!” protested Otou-san Takaki, waving a little pennant of Mizu State University around. “You know, Fire Marshal, for the longest time my mother would always say that if I drank a single drop of rum, that I’d most definitely die or worse, get turned into a pirate. She was a classic tiger mom, you know, so she was actually pretty serious when she said that. So I must admit that I was a bit scared when this rather attractive girl shoved a rum and cola in my face on the first day of freshman year. But not wanting her to think I was totally lame, I drank it all right away! And I’ve enjoyed being a pirate ever since. Oh, whoops, that was another digression…” he said, guiltily putting the little bit of university paraphernalia aside.

“Dad, you’re a shinobi. Shinobi don’t attend higher education. No one in Kumogakure has actually gone to college,” said Masao, rolling his eyes.

“Shows what you know, plebian,” sniffed Pere Takaki. “Anyway, yes, to answer your question, the reason I told you the story about poor Ari was because unfortunately he’s sort of emblematic of the usual type of nabob we have occupying the Senninships in Cloud. Those who have skill and diligence usually don’t possess the necessary ambition or desire to herd the writhing pack of cats that is our shinobi. Those who have ambition usually don’t have the smarts or diligence. Fuck you too, Sude Sairasu!” he said, flipping the bird to no one in particular. “Anyway, Rin has the skill, diligence, and masochistic desire to herd cats that is required of a good sennin, so yes, she’s more than competent. As far as if there’ve been better ones in the past, well, probably, but they’re dead.”

“Are you looking for a man to marry, Fire Marshal?” asked Masao, ears perking up. “Look, between you and me...uh, let me tell you straight. Cloud men...how should I put this. The odds are good, but the goods are odd."

 

[Oishi Shichimenchou]

I nibbled on my lower lip. Mizu State University? Was that in Water Country? If only there was some sort of map.

I nodded at the old man. "Gotcha. She is competent, but there might have been better in the past. They're all dead though."

I shot a quick glare towards the son when he said that no one in Cloud had actually been to college. What had he been smoking? Of course everyone in Cloud went to college. Where else did everyone form bad memories, hook up with jerks, or experiment with legos? He must have either gone to a community college in Port Cirrus or forgot his memories after having his head crashed in by those toilets.

"Well I thank you two-" Three counting the illegal maid, "for your assistance today. I think this will be sufficient for my records. Now could one of you two kindly point out where you put your fire extinguisher? I need to verify its in working condition. Fire Marshall duties 'n all. I can be on my way afterward."

 

[Takaki Saeko]

“Fire Extinguisher?! Uh...” said Masao, gigantic anime-styled sweat drops starting to fall from his brow as he cursed the day that fire safety had ever become a “thing” and led to the formation of Fire Companies in Lightning Country and thus spawned nosy Fire Marshals like the blue-haired on in front of him demanding to see the extinguisher he had just emptied for amusement in the backyard because he’d wanted to see the cool plumes of white smoke and marvel at the funny residue it left everywhere. Added to his troubles was that it was not simply a matter of going to the hardware store to refill it, seeing as in this post-apocalyptic universe without a plot team why would they have no guns and automobiles but instead have the infrastructure and facilities to compress large volumes of carbon dioxide gas into small metal canisters? One word: Liberals. In the meantime, magic, er, chakra, however, was responsible for everything, however, and he would have to go to find a chakra user who specialized in refilling fire extinguishers.

He remembered that he’d recently been given a notice – that the village’s only chakra user qualified to refill the things had recently been captured by the forces of the Hitokage, who also seemed to be having problems fighting fires in his domain. One might think that fires in Hell would not be a problem, but it apparently was. He would have to descend to the pits of Tartarus, brave the demon hordes, and cause untold amounts of ruckus and supernatural butthurt to rescue this poor chakra-user who could refill extinguishers and bring her back to the village so he could get those Fire Marshal out of his house. Would it be a total Pyrrhic victory? Of course it would. But some things needed to get done no matter what.

The council had recently been talking about relocating the local Hellmouth to a spot closer to the village. Why in the world the council would want to make the village’s vulnerable rectum easily accessible to the same demonic forces that had scourged it twenty five years ago was a mystery, but that was how council worked. Well, this would serve his purposes nicely.

"Enter Enter Mission" from the Girls und Panzer OST​

“You know what? I’ll get that fire extinguisher, no problem. Time to kick some demon ass again. If I don’t come back, launch the tactical nuclear warhead at my last known location,” he said, rolling his sleeves up and summoning his ANBU combat gear and mask. As he stomped out of the house toting his ST-15 over his shoulder, Pappy Takaki shifted in his seat.

“Oh? It seems I’ve been sitting on our other extinguisher this entire time,” he said, pulling the spare red canister out from under the couch cushion and showing it to Bakunin. As promised, it was fully charged and inspected, and even had a pawprint from the Yeti on its paperwork. “Well, young lady, it’s certainly been lovely to reminisce about undergrad. If only they’d stop sending me constant letters and phone calls hounding me for money. I mean, it’s not like sending them a hundred yen or something every other year will get my kids in or anything. I’d have to donate an 8-bit computer science building or something truly stupid!”

 

[Oishi Shichimenchou]

I looked over the extinguisher and it was marked by the Yeti as being in operational order. I nodded at the old man and returned it to him.

"Thank you Sir," I said, "for complying with my inspection today. Now if you excuse me I have paperwork at the office to fill out."

I started to make my way toward the exit of the house when I turned back to add, "What I do to avoid those pesky Alumni Associations is offer to do an ad for the college and telling kids how I managed to become a drug addicted hobo who lives underneath St. Raijin's bridge. It may work for you too."

With that I twisted the door knob and saw myself out.

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